Today in celebrity gossip: Vogue staffers are fretting about Sarah Jessica Parker's increased presence around the office, Lindsay Lohan's $75K fur coat went missing, and Helen Mirren twerked in public.

It seems all that harassment by Kanye West may be causing diabolical fashion sprite Anna Wintour to think more seriously about retirement. According to Radar, unnamed sources within the Vogue offices are freaking out (is there a level of freakout above the sustained levels of terror Wintour maintains usually?) that not only is Wintour grooming an outsider to take over her role as Editor, but that person is no less than Sarah Jessica Parker! As a source explains, "Anna thinks Sarah, a fashion icon on Sex and the City, truly has what it takes to step into her shoes and take on a role at Vogue one day." Not only do Wintour and Parker regularly meet for private lunches, allegedly Wintour has asked Parker to consult on "a stunning array of Vogue’s big moves over the last several months." A stunning array. Now, if you're like me, then 45% of your knowledge of Vogue stems from the documentary The September Issue, and perhaps the other 55% from The Devil Wears Prada. But apparently the person widely expected to take Wintour's job (at the unspecified time she actually does retire) is Robbie Myers, "the star editor of Elle." So yeah, no duh, guys. Wintour is NOT about to let her mortal enemy take over her job. Maybe installing Parker is her last act of subterfuge intended to shut the entire place down? It's enough to wonder aloud about while typing into a MacBook on your designer duvet! [Radar]

And now the newest installment of everybody's favorite serialized adventure The Ginger Rascal Chronicles... Lindsay Lohan and the Mystery of the Stolen Half-a-Coat! According to TMZ, the actress, currently on the sober-yet-going-to-nightclubs part of her cycle of recovery/failure claims that she wore a $75,000 fur coat to New York night club 10ak but half of it went missing! That's right, only half of her coat went missing. But the twists don't end there: 10ak is the same night club where Lohan was once accused of walking out with somebody else's $12,000 mink coat six years earlier! The owner ended up suing Lohan for that incident, which is not surprising considering how clogged our justice system has become with cases of people suing each other over mink coats. But like any good mystery novel, this one has an array of suspects and Lohan has narrowed it down to one person whose unaccounted-for whereabouts following his nightclub visit seems most suspicious: Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Sidney Rice! (Rice is in town for the Super Bowl, but won't be playing in it, because he is injured. So: Party with Lohan at 10ak!) Did a professional football player steal half of Lindsay Lohan's $75K fur coat? Only the ghost of Agatha Christie knows for sure.  [TMZ, Page Six]

Dame Helen Mirren rose to fame for turning in decades' worth of inspired, understated performances in myriad films until she entered the second phase of her career: simply existing as a semi-ironic sex symbol and good-sport punchline. That phase reached a new milestone this week when the 68-year-old arrived in Cambridge to receive Harvard University's 2014 Hasty Pudding Award from the cross-dressing troupe of bozos of the same name. (Wigs and elephant costumes, how audacious!) See, every year the troupe lures one famous man and one famous woman to the school and forces them to endure an ironic, allegedly comical parade along with all manner of indignity and this year was Helen Mirren's turn. And yes, during her acceptance speech she twerked. Helen Mirren twerked. The English language has many limitations, but especially when attempting to describe the sight of Helen Mirren twerking. So please, just watch the below video from a local news broadcast and experience it for yourself! [People]

This is getting serious: Once again Anne Hathaway has casually mentioned in an interview that nobody seems to like her. After first admitting to a Sundance reporter that she'd taken a leave of absence from her career because "people needed a break from me," she recently mentioned the issue again to MTV. She apparently almost didn't make her newest film Song One because of all her post-Oscar hate: "I don't want to bring up a sore subject or anything — I think my publicist is probably like 'No, no no' — but I had just taken a little bit of a beating from the Internet." It's not clear whether she also followed this statement with a desperate, pathos-riddled, laugh complete with wheezing inhale and trembling chin, but the fact that she's still talking about it betrays just how deeply Hathaway was affected by society's haterade. We did this. We can fix it, but it will take time for Hathaway to trust us again after the veritable Carrie re-enactment we've subjected her to. Fingers crossed that time will heal this wound as well. [Us Weekly]

I'm not sure why I'm listing this story fourth as it is clearly the day's most important news item, but here it is anyway: WHY KELLAN LUTZ IS SO BUFF?? Ladies and gentleman, here is your reason: Because being in the Twilight films was boring! As the erstwhile Hercules, non-Miley Cyrus dating, golden beef golem explained to Men's Health, "I was bored. They put us in these mall apartment complexes — the fans and paparazzi were outside the whole time. So I bunkered down in the gym; it was my escape." Take that boring Twilight experience and multiply that across four movies and that is A LOT of reps and sets and squats and grunts, everybody. Just imagine it! Also, in case you were definitely wondering about whether Kellan Lutz is a good swimmer or not, please keep this in quote in mind: "I had a full-body scan, and it turns out I have dense bones." DENSE BONES. Kellan Lutz has dense bones and he will sink to the bottom of your above-ground swimming pool. So please refrain from ridicule or general scorn the next time Kellan Lutz shows up on your welcome mat with goggles and water wings. Kellan Lutz has dense bones. [ONTD]

Speaking of working out, noted female bodybuilder Lena Dunham recently tweeted about her exercise habits! But Parenthood's Mae Whitman's simple response was the true chuckle-getter: