Today in celebrity gossip: Shia LaBeouf got in a drunken "bar brawl" in London, Justin Bieber's team want him to go to rehab, and Nick Cannon is simply livid with Chelsea Handler.

Shia LaBeouf, celebrated performance artist on Opposite Day, has taken a brief sabbatical from redefining "creativity" to get blasted and head butt strangers in London pubs! According to TMZ, a "nuclear argument" detonated between LaBeouf and some guy who had apparently disrespected LaBeouf's girlfriend's mother. You may have to watch the cell phone video linked in the article to truly appreciate how non-nuclar it all was, but it did include the sight of LaBeouf drunkenly shouting "What are you saying about my girl's mom? Are you f**king kidding me bro?" Even better, a second video filmed shortly after the altercation shows a clearly intoxicated LaBeouf having a chill discussion in which he pled his case to assorted bystanders: "I am super normal, more normal than most." That video is obviously the best and most original work LaBeouf has ever done:

So, please. The next time you're tempted to criticize a home-schooled former child actor for misunderstanding intellectual property and perhaps trolling the world via skywriting under the auspices of deconstructing celebrity and art, just remember that Shia LaBeouf is super normal, more normal than most. Thank you. [TMZ]

Seemingly permanent tabloid fixture Justin Bieber has had a rough few months, entirely all his doing. From public urination to bodyguard melees to felonious egg tosses to roommate arrests, the micro-hunk's life has grown as unsavory as a Burger King ball pit. Now his inner circle are apparently pressuring him into entering rehab! As Radar's source puts it, "The people who care about Justin and whom are closest to him wish he would consider getting help." Bieber's a noted marijuana enthusiast, but there hasn't been much evidence of serious substance abuse and the source declines to elaborate further about what exactly differentiates Bieber's behavior from any other questionably educated, too-rich teenage male pop star surrounded by yes men. Not to get dark, but Bieber has been threatening to retire for months now and these supposed "concerned" parties would stand to lose A LOT of income if he stops generating paychecks. Could his handlers be proactively painting him as legally incompetent so that they can steal his agency like fellow horror story Britney Spears? I ask because I don't know! It always makes me feel weird and uncomfortable to defend Justin Bieber, but in this case I think he should be careful about the people around him? Thus concludes today's Empathy For Justin Bieber Moment. [Radar, TMZ]

Were you aware that Mariah Carey's child groom Nick Cannon has beef with Chelsea "Lately" Handler? They have beef! Apparently Carey's been a frequent target of Handler's particular brand of raspy put-downs and there was also the time that Handler said "I just heard Nick Cannon is starting a comedy tour. Who's going to do the comedy?" Well, this week Nick Cannon took to Twitter to let Handler know he does NOT appreciate her most recent unkind words:

HAHA! The classic "I wasn't even paying attention yet I am somehow still mad" conundrum followed by a genuinely funny dig at her E! chat show. Anyway, according to Daily Mail this newest spat arose after Handler said that Cannon has been "acting like a white boy" and also, of Mariah Carey she said, "How do you claim to be a spiritual person if you’ve been photographed on a treadmill in high heels?" Guys, I'm not going to lie, almost nothing beats a comedian flame war. Who even cares about Chelsea Handler or Nick Cannon as individuals? But put them together in a slap-fight? Instantly relevant and important to our lives. Keep it up guys! [Daily Mail]

Well, this is not great news, particularly if you're a fan of Netflix's tremendous Orange is the New Black or even if you're just a fan of people staying out of car accidents and medically induced comas. It appears that castmember Michelle Hurst (who plays the lead character's extremely compelling cellmate Miss Claudette) sustained serious injuries in a car accident and has just awoken from a 16-day coma. Doctors at the UNC Chapel Hill Hospital kept her under for so long in order to perform reparative surgeries "close to her spine." TMZ isn't clear on the specifics of the initial accident, but one thing is clear: Hurst is alive and awake and that is very, very good news. [TMZ]

As if the previous story didn't bum you out sufficiently, get ready to experience a sudden urge to lay down in the driveway: Miley Cyrus and Kellan Lutz's "quick fling" has ended! For weeks tabloids have been all atwitter about a possible hookup situation going on between the beautiful, busty star and also Miley Cyrus and despite initial protestations from Lutz about it, it appears that whatever undefined non-relationship they had is now definitely over. Sorry, everybody. We had believed their love was a seedling bound to grow into a grand oak of romance but that seedling has been driven over by the tractor of circumstances. Or as a source told E! News, the fling "just kind of burned out." So today, as you drift from place to place numb to the particulars of your life and routine, please try to find at least one opportunity to snap out of the haze and touch, hold, love someone. Just because the sun has set on Cyrus and Lutz's love doesn't mean it will yours. Let's keep this torch lit, everybody. [E! Online]

Yesterday would have been late R&B singer Aaliyah's 35th birthday. Here is a picture Destiny's Child's Kelly Rowland posted to Instagram in commemoration. It is a wonderful picture! See you at the crossroads, Baby Girl.