Today in celebrity gossip: Ronan Farrow tweeted strong words about his father Woody Allen's Golden Globe tribute, Zac Efron WILL sleep with you on a first date, and Shia LaBeouf will definitely retire from public life ASAP.

Last night a celebrity-studded tornado known as the Golden Globe Awards ripped through the Beverly Hilton ballroom leaving behind an elephant graveyard of ruined reputations and broken careers and it was all VERY wonderful. Among the evening's myriad bizarre, slightly upsetting highlights, a possibly drunk Diane Keaton both presented and accepted a lifetime achievement award for Woody Allen for his many hundreds of thousands of films. But one person who did NOT enjoy this particular tribute was Allen's estranged, dreamy son Ronan Farrow:

Um, WOW. Now, this column is not Law & Order: SVU: Cold Case, but the judge is already banging a gavel because ORDER IN THE COURT. Here we were having a nice stroll down memory lane thinking about all the terrific movies Allen has made over the years and then Ronan Farrow had to go and splash a blender full of icy, pureed TRUTH right in our faces! The topic of Allen's alleged molestation of Farrow's sister had been previously brought up in Vanity Fair's very excellent Mia Farrow profile, so that particular allegation was nothing new. But there's no denying this issue forces all of us right-smack-dab in the middle of our discomfort zones. It's like, yes, Allen is a legit genius. But it's also like, yes, Allen is probably a sexual predator. What is our role as his fans, and also as fans of the punishment of sexual predators? It's very difficult to be both things in this situation! The truth is, most people simply can't enjoy art if they know the artist is a bad person. That is why a disturbing majority of people weirdly excuse artists for their crimes. For decades now otherwise rational and kind people have done some intense mental gymnastics to excuse Roman Polanski's transgressions and more recently Chris Brown's fans have been overly eager to forget what he did to Rihanna. But nope, sorry, both men should have gone to jail, as should have Allen (if the allegations were proven true.) So are we partly responsible for these men's crimes if we enjoy the art they've made? Is it our responsibility to avoid any art or activity that could stand to make a bad person richer? Is such a thing even possible considering how many evil people and leaders and artists and politicans we all indirectly enrich every day? These are questions for smart people to answer! But anyway, yeah: The Golden Globes were three straight hours of awkwardness and Ronan Farrow successfully stole the show with a single Tweet. Truly impressive!

Taking a somewhat more restrained approach, Ronan's mother Mia Farrow (who had been live-tweeting the entire broadcast) simply signed off when Allen's tribute came on:

Woody Allen may have been awarded a Golden Globe, but the Farrow family look like the bigger winners here. What a wonderful topic of conversation this was and is! Congratulations, Hollywood Foreign Press. [Page Six]

Meanwhile Zac Efron WILL sleep with you on a first date and that is a PROMISE. Okay, to be fair, he said merely wouldn't "object" to a woman giving it up on the first date. According to a fun interview with Glamour magazine, Efron answered a question about whether he'd respect a woman for sleeping with a guy on the first date by saying simply, "Sex is a beautiful thing." So you see, it's all about respect. If you go on a first date with Zac Efron and suddenly decide to sit on it and spin around, Efron will respect you. He will respect you all over the place. He will respect you until the sun comes up and then he'll make you breakfast and respect you again in the shower. He will respect you in the limousine hot tub and he'll respect you in the Presidential Suite at the Sandals Resort. Zac Efron wants to respect you up and down and sideways and forever, girl. Respect. [Us Weekly]

Increasingly loathsome publicity troll Shia LaBeouf has temporarily taken a break from plagiarism so that he can try on a new mantel: Martyr! After a second, even more annoying round of asinine skywriting LaBeouf recently took to Twitter with the following proclamation: "In light of the recent attacks against my artistic integrity, I am retiring from all public life." When? He doesn't say. Nor did he elaborate on what "public life" entails. He then tweeted some more about whatever else was on his mind, perhaps operating under the belief that Tweeting to a hundred thousand people is a private act. So what's worse, LaBoeuf implying that he had any artistic integrity to begin with, or getting our hopes that he might actually retire? We definitely know better than to trust him at this point, so it's easy to assume this is simply his newest scheme to reposition himself as a misunderstood genius. Considering LaBeouf has already created his own hash-tag for these shenanigans (ugh, #stopcreating), it looks like this post-plagiarism publicity stunt may never end. [Page Six]

It would demand a trend piece if it weren't so normal by now: Golden Globe-winning actress Robin Wright is marrying a much younger man! Or, in simpler terms, Robin Wright is marrying somebody she digs! Big news, basically. The lucky fella is Ben Foster, who you'll recall played the angel hunk named Angel in one of the X-Men movies. (It doesn't matter which one.) The main thing to know is that despite their 14-year age difference Wright and Foster are gonna have SO MUCH sex. Know how I know that? Because that's what's going down in the the May-December romance between Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey. When Us Weekly (weirdly) asked Cannon what keeps the flame alive in his marriage, he responded simply "Lots of sex." That was nobody's business, but thank you, Nick Cannon. Now we know! [Us Weekly, Us Weekly]

But Robin Wright isn't the only member of the Wright-Penn dynasty to have TERRIFIC taste in lovers. Obviously her ex-husband Sean Penn has been hanging around with Charlize Theron A LOT lately, so he is doing fine. (And I do mean doing fine.) But now it looks like even Wright and Penn's 22-year-old progeny Dylan Penn has found a white-hot cold-weather companion of her own: The Vampire Diaries' resident angel hunk Steven R. McQueen! Yes, he is the grandson of screen legend Steve McQueen. And no, he is not the Golden Globe-winning director of 12 Years a Slave:

Moral of the story: You will never find love unless you are a Penn or a Wright. Sorry! [Daily Mail]

Fun fact: Not ALL celebrities attend the Golden Globes! Some are too busy, some are Brad Pitt, and others are just not yet famous enough despite being arguably one of the best parts of Teen Wolf's early seasons. And in the case of the latter sometimes those particular celebrities spend the Golden Globes in the comfort of their own homes doing Instagram impressions of Jennifer Lawrence. Ladies and gentleman, the 100% perfect Mr. Colton Haynes:

For her part, American Horror Story: Coven's Emma Roberts indulged in one of award season's most time-honored traditions: A high fashion, stars-are-just-like-us fast food dinner!

And finally, this whole time you may have been wondering how Justin Bieber spent HIS Golden Globes Sunday? Here's how: By getting new tattoos and Instagramming his nipple, obviously.