Today in celebrity gossip: Very scandalous yet very contradictory reports about Justin Bieber abound, Ben Affleck would like you to know about his largesse, and Victoria Beckham swears off any further Spice Girls reunions.
Does reality exist? What even is truth? How can we possibly hope to live fact-based lives when the universe's very veracity slips through our fingers like melted ice cream cake at a toddler's birthday party? Point being: There are no facts anymore, only theories, and that's especially true when it comes to celebrated figure of mystery Justin Bieber. For instance, it's recently come to everybody's attention that Justin Bieber is either (1) a hateful, abusive drug addict or (2) he's not. Just depends on when and where you're getting your online celeb gossip lately. But rather than attempt to sort through which sites are telling the truth about Justin Bieber's alleged debaucheries and which are spreading falsehoods to a contemptible extent suggesting that maybe the whole gossip industry is better off being burned to the ground, let's try and see these issues from all sides!
First of all: THE DRUGS. According to Page Six and TMZ, that recent raid of Bieber's home (hastened by his egg-throwing escapade) produced a "treasure trove of drugs" including marijuana, bongs, and codeine, the latter ingredient associated with something called sizzurp, a mixture of candy, soda, and pharmaceutical-grade narcotics that "can trigger seizures, and even worse." Sounds serious, right? And just look at that photo TMZ obtained that is alleged to show Bieber's brain-frying tableau. Unfortunately, all these stories are directly contradicted by a recent E! Online report from the Los Angeles Sheriffs Department that "authorities did not see any codeine bottles, containers of drugs or weed throughout the mansion." Except, of course, for the drugs in roommate Lil Za's room which got him arrested. None of the other stuff, though. So, that seems pretty official to me? Sheriff says there were no drugs. I wonder why so many gossip sites were quick to pin false drug discoveries on a widely derided bratty pop star? They're going to be so embarrassed for having reported misinformation to all those millions of visitors. Oh. Nevermind. [Page Six, E! Online, TMZ]
Second of all: THE SEX. Well, the sexts. Another J-Biebs story making the rounds lately is that in the same aforementioned raid, authorities confiscated a cell phone belonging to Bieber that is alleged to contain "X-rated nude photos" and fraught, hateful text messages sent to Selena Gomez who pleads with Bieber to "go to rehab!" You'll have to click through to Radar to see the (censored) iMessage screenshots, but I can save you the trouble: The alleged texts are the fakest fakes ever faked. First of all, the messages are captured from Gomez' vantage of the conversation (Radar claims they were "forwarded by a cellphone registered to Gomez’s stepfather"). But also, they touch upon almost every single Justin Bieber talking point in the quickest, most efficient manner possible. A breakup, talk of retirement, talk of the raid, talk of Lil Za being framed, talk of rehab... They read like they were written by a feverish TMZ commenter rather than two human beings. But anyway, it doesn't matter that they're obviously fake, because now TMZ reports that the obvious fakes were created by an impostor, either a member of Bieber's inner circle or possibly literally anybody off the street looking to make a buck capitalizing on Bieber's recent bout of bad press. Meanwhile Gomez (through her representative) confirmed to Daily Mail the texts were "not real." So there you have it. No Bieber dick pics (YET) and no official confirmation that he has ever referred to Gomez as a "talentless p***y." (YET.) [Radar, Daily Mail]
Third of all: THIS TMZ headline... JUSTIN BIEBER PISSES HIMSELF. At press time there does not seem to be a conflicting report of this incident, so it must be 100% true. (No need to click through, the headline is definitely not misleading in the slightest.) [TMZ]
Um, don't worry, we are NOT done talking about celebrity penises today. At least this time it's a bit more fun? In other words, let's talk about Ben Affleck's dick. Yesterday, at a random awards show you don't need to know or care about (The Producer's Guild of America Awards, for the record), the producer and creator behind all of CBS's finest sitcoms, Chuck Lorre, introduced Ben Affleck by saying he'd just urinated next to him in the men's room and "Yes, I peeked. And yes, Comic Con, he can play Batman." So now we know that not only does Ben Affleck have a prodigious member, but so does Batman! That is the more exciting revelation, in my opinion. Big congrats to Robin! Anyway, Affleck, the good sport that he is when it comes to jokes about his large penis, continued the line of very flattering hilarity by invoking another titan of the industry: "I'm often confused with Matt Damon, but rarely with Michael Fassbender." This was not a very important gossip item, except that it kind of WAS? Please enjoy your Tuesday, everybody. [Page Six, E! Online]
Taylor Swift, take note: THIS is how you deal with a Tina Fey joke told at your expense. When People asked George Clooney about the epic Clooney joke Tina Fey told at the Golden Globes Awards, he issued this charmingly facetious threat: "I don't want to scare Amy or Tina – I don't want them to be afraid at all – but they've poked the bear." Then when the hosts asked if the premise of Fey's joke had any merit, Clooney more or less owned up to it: "There is no defense. It was a really good joke." Now contrast Clooney's affable 'tude to Taylor Swift's utterly humorless response to Fey's jab at her dating life the previous year. Or better yet, just forward to Swift the full video of Clooney's response below and maybe she'll see the error of her ways?
Sorry, Spice Girls stans! The erstwhile Posh Spice Victoria Beckham has officially declared that she will never again, not ever reunite with her fellow compatriots in girl power. As she told Vanity Fair Italy, "Sometimes you've got to know when it's time to leave the party." Which, okay, that makes sense. A woman can only surf atop mini-Coopers at Olympics Opening Ceremonies so many times before it starts seeming tired. Plus, you know, it would be pretty hard to prioritize ANY creative endeavor over just hanging out with David Beckham all day, so this statement does make tons of sense. Anyway, R.I.P. Spice Girls! Let's listen to one of their most underrated jams in commemoration of all they've given us. [Us Weekly]
There is admittedly almost nothing interesting about the actual news item featured below, but the E! Online photo editor deserves credit for making me laugh out loud SO HARD today:
WHO IS THAT MYSTERY BRUNETTE? [E! Online]