The new season of Survivor pits tribes of "Beauty," "Brains," and "Brawn" against each other. Now that the cast bios are up, it's time to judge them with our eyeballs. But to paraphrase Stevie Nicks, who is the Beauty, who the Brawn?

After all, this is a reality television show. No matter who they ultimately cast, be it for their looks, their smarts, or their athletic ability, they're still going to mostly resemble the same thing: Survivor contestants. Smart, dumb, weak strong, they've all still got stars in their eyes for Ozzy and Parvati and Boston Rob, and they all fancy themselves noble manipulators. Based solely off of their CBS.com cast bios, can you guess which is a Beauty, a Brain, or a Brawn?

Cliff
Age: 46
Inspiration: Muhammad Ali
Three words to describe yourself: adventurous, funny, loyal
Past 
Survivor you're most like: Boston Rob

Okay, starting off with a gimmie, just to work out your guessing muscles. Cliff, a former professional basketball player, has been placed on the BRAWN tribe. You can tell because he's inspired by boxers and and he describes himself as "adventurous." Also the part where he's a former NBA star. But ALSO also because Boston Rob is clearly emblematic of the most athletic of Survivors.

 

Garrett
Age: 27
From: Santa Monica, CA
Hobbies: Bodybuilding, alcohol, psychology, and cinema
Three words to describe yourself: competitive, ambitious, confident
Reason for being on Survivor: "Win enough money to impress girls in LA"

HAHA! Fooled you (probably)! Garrett, despite that waxed and chiseled torso, is a BRAIN. That's because he is a professional poker player. And despite what you may have heard from Joan Rivers, poker players are brillz.

 

Tasha
Age: 37
Claim to fame: Being a former St. Louis Rams cheerleader
Inspiration: Her dad
Hobbies: golfing, dancing, trap/skeet shooting
Pet Peeves: People biting down on the fork as it leaves their mouths, bad breath, and panty lines.
Three words to describe yourself: competitive, spiritual, and "jack-of-all-trades"
Past Survivor you're most like: Ozzy

Lots to consider here. The former cheerleader thing is a red flag for beauty, not to mention the strange fixation on panty lines. But the golfing and skeet shooting? Maybe she's a jock at heart. Certainly Ozzy straddled the line between athleticism and looks. And yet! Tasha is a BRAIN! She's an accountant from St. Louis.

 

Alexis
Age: 21
Occupation: 
Student at Northwestern
Inspiration: Mom
Past Survivor you're most like: Parvati
Three words to describe yourself: funny, flirty, smart

Yeah, "Parvati" is the dead giveaway here. (It's interesting that the only people who picked Parvati as inspiration were Beauties, given that Parvati became known as one of the more cunning of Survivor players.) That and the fact that no one who uses "flirty" as one of three words to describe themselves is going to be anything but a BEAUTY. Not even Northwestern-educated, self-described "smart" people can escape that trap. 

 

David
Age: 45
Inspiration: His grandfather
Three words to describe yourself: Persistent, witty, aggressive
Past Survivor you're most like: Boston Rob

David is the president of Major League Baseball's Miami Marlins. And clearly it takes BRAINS to finish with the worst record in the National League. Red herring: "aggressive," a traditional "Brawn" calling card. Regardless, you should've seen this coming, as Boston Rob is clearly emblematic of the most intelligent of Survivor alums. 

 

Lindsey 
Age: 29
Occupation: 
Hairstylist
Inspiration: Martin Luther King
Hobbies: Camping, recycled art projects, planning parties
Three words to describe yourself: random (hilarious), powerful, and tenacious

Not sure which one of these attributes pointed towards BRAWN, but Lindsey (whose last name is "Ogle," for what it's worth), is a party-planning, art-recycling, random/hilarious, uses-four-words-when-three-are-called-for, hairstyling, MLK-inspired athlete.

 

LJ
Age: 34
From: 
Boston
Occupation: 
Horse Trainer
Inspiration: Mom
Hobbies: horse racing, fishing, designing
Three words to describe yourself: competitive, creative, witty
Past Survivor you're most like: Boston Rob

Horse-training design enthusiast LJ turns out to be a BEAUTY. Looks like all that wit can't hold a candle to his equine-affiliated charms. Which makes sense, because Boston Rob is clearly emblematic of the most attractive of Survivors.

 

Spencer
Age: 
21
From: 
Chicago
Occupation: 
Economics student at the University of Chicago
Personal Claim to Fame: 
Captain of high school cross country and track team
Inspiration: "The former governor Mitt Romney has been successful in everything he’s ever attempted, be it private equity, business/law school or running the Olympics. He has accumulated enormous wealth in starting several successful business ventures and constitutes the perfect embodiment of capitalism."
Hobbies: chess, ultimate Frisbee, partying
Past Survivor you're most like: "The cleverness and strategic planning of Stephen, but the personality of Marty. Like Marty, I am a natural leader and can come off as pompous or bombastic. Also, I shared Marty’s disdain for Jane on S21."

Okay, obviously, Spencer fancies himself a BRAIN. He mentions chess nine times in his profile, including the phrase "with a chess board present, I know I have the ability to impress whoever I’m with." (Also, it's whomever, Mr. Snobby Economist Reader.) Spencer's not a difficult one to peg, tribe-wise, but I implore everyone to read his bio. It's a highlight. Here's hoping Spencer is as successful at Survivor as Mitt Romney was at everything he ever attempted.