Cindy Adams, New York Post columnist and wax-preserved Yorkie holder, has written the craziest/best thing you will read today. 

Debates over Martin Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street have raged since the movie opened on Christmas, but Adams has the final word: it's just too darn long, as are many movies today. They're also full of "F"s and whatever Cindy has decided "autoerotica" means. Here are some choice excerpts from her rambling manifesto about Marty and How We Live today. No context needed. Context, in fact, would just make things more confusing:

  • "What was to rush home for? To do what? Turn on the radio to hear the Long Ranger bitch if Tonto fell off his horse? Jump into the Edsel’s rumble seat to catch the 40th episode of 'Lassie' to learn if the nice Collie peed?"  
  • "Fast-forward. Rapid transit. Jiffy Lube. Minute rice. Instant coffee. Robots clean houses. The train’s an Acela. The swimsuit’s a Speedo." 
  • "Our whole world is faster. Cellphones. TV. iPads. Internet. TiVos. Beepers. Two-way radios. Computers. E-mails. Selfies. Instagrams. On tap 24 hours." 
  • "Also instructional. Like we found out an orgy is a social gathering where they serve Doritos, Pringles and Carr’s Water Biscuits — and you’re the dip." 

She's like Saturday Night Live's Drunk Uncle, just listing words she thinks sound modern. Read the whole thing, and bask in its magnificence.