Today in celebrity gossip: award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin may or may not be dating former Hole frontwoman Courtney Love, Anne Hathaway nearly drowned in Hawaii, and the mystery of Lindsay Lohan's stolen laptop grows ever weirder.

A man can have a thriving career, millions of dollars, several houses, an Oscar, multiple Emmys, and widespread respect from both critics and peers, but what is that all worth if he doesn't have Love? Courtney Love. (That first sentence was a very long and elaborate pun on Courtney Love's name, did you like it?) The man I'm describing is no hypothetical: He's Aaron Sorkin, the celebrated writer of The Social Network and The West Wing and also the reviled svengali behind The Newsroom. And Courtney Love is... Courtney Love. And according to Page Six, Sorkin and Love are now dating! You may be wondering what these two opposite-sides-of-the-tracks characters see in one another, particularly when considered against their myriad exes (Sorkin has dated actresses Kristin Chenoweth, Kristen Davis, and ballet dancer Jacquelyn Reyes, while Love has snared a wide variety of rock stars over the years, some of whom are still alive). But as Page Six's inside source explains, Sorkin "is intrigued by Courtney’s wit, while she says Aaron is a great influence on her. Some people might think they are an odd couple, but she likens them to Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller." Yep, that's right, somebody associated with Courtney Love is telling the press that Courtney Love is dating Aaron Sorkin and that their romance is a classic in the making, in Courtney Love's opinion. Will the Sorkin camp refute this claim? Yes, they already have: "They are not dating." So there you have it! Much like many of the universe's biggest and most complex questions, the truth behind Aaron Sorkin's and Courtney Love's relationship remains endlessly debatable and maddeningly elusive. [Page Six]

Everybody knows that Hawaii — and in particular Oahu — is a nightmarish deathscape not unlike one of Dante's nine circles of hell, but Anne Hathaway learned this lesson the hard way when she nearly drowned in its oceans this week! Daily Mail has the truly riveting paparazzi photos to prove it, but here's the gist: Apparently Hathaway ran beneath some azure waves, became enswirled in a fearsome riptide, and then opened up her foot on some coral (a.k.a., "Neptune's switchblades") before a nearby surfer heard her plaintive wails and dragged her from the ocean like so much bleached driftwood. At that point Hathaway's husband, Adam Shulman, cleaned her foot wound with HIS MOUTH and wrapped it up good as new. Finally, the Daily Mail, providing us with the emotional closure that too many entertainment articles so viciously deny us, adds that "The pair laughed and smiled after Anne's brush with death was safely dealt with." So, another Hawaiian nightmare thwarted. Who will the ancient island gods target next? Stay tuned. [Daily Mail, Radar]

Yesterday, we talked about the mysterious case of the stolen laptop containing Lindsay Lohan various nudes, but now there's a new twist to that story: Deceit is afoot! According to Radar, Lohan's original (and almost comically polite) tweet that complimented China's hospitality while also announcing that the laptop had been stolen was NOT tweeted by Lohan, but rather by the thieves themselves! Apparently they'd logged into her Twitter account (after having presumably spent several minutes closing/minimizing all those nude selfies) and made that announcement as the opening salvo in an ongoing extortion plot against the actress in which they are "demanding money in exchange for the safe return of the laptop." But that's not to say Lohan and her team haven't been proactive in this situation, as they've been trying to "wipe the computer remotely, but they have not had any luck… yet." It's anyone's guess as to whether Lohan will ever see that laptop again or the millions upon millions of nude selfies and AOL Instant Messenger transcripts with Woody Allen [screenname: saxman420] contained therein, but the admirable restraint Lohan has shown in discussing this situation on-the-record surely bodes well for how she handles herself lately, right? Maybe? You know what, nevermind. [Radar]

Speaking of stories with added twists: Justin Bieber did NOT go camping with Selena Gomez in Chris Brown's luxury RV. It just plum didn't happen! Despite TMZ's weirdly detailed story about it yesterday, the Bieber camp now tells E! Online the whole thing was made up. Just plain conjured from whole cloth or whatever: "Selena and Justin have not gone on any trips together," the source explained. "They have not left town together." (But is Selena Gomez alive and well? ANSWER US, Bieber camp!) Anyway, as with all things Justin Bieber, you take away one juicy headline and he'll provide another right away. TMZ reports that Bieber personally bombarded his neighbor's mansion with "no less than 20 eggs"! No motive was given for this barbaric act of teenagery, but seeing as the victim was VERY forthcoming about the situation to TMZ, it's not hard to imagine that Bieber had been harboring a grudge against the neighbor for maybe having an open line of communication with TMZ? Wait, was the neighbor the one who came up with the Chris Brown RV story? Could be! It's all speculation at this point, but what's not speculation is that Justin Bieber's neighbor's house is covered in raw eggs and TMZ has the photos to prove it. Stay charming, Justin Bieber. [TMZ, E! Online]

Apparently Paula Abdul went to a tanning salon and came away BURNT UP. So burnt up that she's now suing the salon for causing an "especially severe second or third degree burn on a portion of [her] left thigh." It all had something to do with some kind of product called a SlimStar wrap that "uses infra-red heat that penetrates twice as deep as other heat sources to target toxins and cellulite trapped in pockets below the surface of the skin." So, uh, yeah, Paula Abdul is walking into tanning salons and asking for some serious sci-fi type nonsense and then suing when that particular nightmare scenario ends up being a nightmare. At least the burns weren't caused by Paula Abdul getting blackout drunk on pills and chablis while in a tanning bed, because that would just be something I totally made up just now despite how believable it might sound. So at least THAT didn't happen, right? [Daily Mail, TMZ]

As we all know, the very coolest thing an ultra-famous person can do is to sneak into a karaoke room to surprise a fan that is singing his or her song. That is just stone-cold cool. Falling somewhere below that in the famous person coolness rankings would be for an ultra-famous person to go to Taco Bell and then Instagram a photo of the visit to prove he or she is just so humble like that. No, that would probably not even crack the Top 50 of cool things for an ultra-famous person to do, in my opinion. But I'm speaking hypothetically, of course, because what kind of ultra-famous person would do something like visit a Taco Bell and take not one but TWO selfies with the staff? Oh, wait, this guy did: