11:00 EST: And we are out ON TIME, people. Do Tina and Amy get a bonus for that one? Or just whomever had their itchy trigger finger on the music button?
10:56 EST: Your Best Picture Drama presenter? Johnny Depp.
Best Picture - Drama
12 Years a Slave
Predicted Winner: 12 Years a Slave
Actual Winner: 12 Years a Slave. Oh THANK CHRIST. Right there at the end, Steve McQueen's film picks up its only award of the night. Sarah Paulson reminds McQueen to thank, among others, cinematographer Sean Bobbitt.
10:48 EST: Remember how great Jessica Chastain was last year? And how we shouldn't forget about her just because she didn't release a movie this year?
Best Actor - Drama
Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years a Slave
Idris Elba, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
Tom Hanks, Captain Phillips
Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club
Robert Redford, All Is Lost
Predicted Winner: Robert Redford
Actual Winner: Matthew McConaughey. Lucky for Matthew this is not an award for most successfully grown-in beard, AM I RIGHT? I'm not sure "Go live the role you're playing" makes the most sense as a speech theme when it comes to playing a man who died of AIDS. "This film was never about dyin', it was always about livin', with that I say 'Just keep...'" Oh my.
10:44 EST: "Like a supermodel's vagina, please give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio." Leo then proceeds to finish his acceptance speech from before, just like Anne Hathaway did last year, so I trust we will all agree to hate him just as much, right? Just to be fair? Right? Good. (He also mispronounced Philomena as "Philomania" which is the pay-per-view sporting event of the winter, as far as I'm concerned.)
Best Actress - Drama
Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine
Sandra Bullock, Gravity
Judi Dench, Philomena
Emma Thompson, Saving Mr. Banks
Kate Winslet, Labor Day
Predicted Winner: Cate Blanchett
Actual Winner: Cate Blanchett. Her speech is lovely and meandering, and references vodka AND barbiturates AND Judy Garland.
10:37 EST: Drew Barrymore is dressed like a bowl of flowers, and she is presenting Best Comedy That Isn't Totally a Comedy But Calm Down About It Already.
Best Picture - Comedy
The Wolf of Wall Street
Inside Llewyn Davis
Predicted Winner: American Hustle
Actual Winner: American Hustle. Megan Ellison, superstar producer of the year, doesn't get to give the acceptance speech, but she does get to hold the Globe statue, so I can just imagine she's holding it for producing Zero Dark Thirty.
10:35 EST: Chris Hemsworth and the real-life Niki Lauda are out to present the Best Picture clip for Frozen. No, I'm kidding. They're here to present the clip for Blue Is the Warmest Color. (We're at 3.5 hours of liveblogging plus, here, don't you DARE judge me for joke recycling.)
10:30 EST: Reese Witherspoon is out to present the clip for 12 Years a Slave, which makes sense, because 12 Years a Slave is the best of the nominated films, and Reese Witherspoon is also the best.
10:26 EST: Last year's Best Actress winner Jennifer Lawrence is out to present Best Actor, as is the custom among all civilized peoples.
Best Actor - Musical or Comedy
Christian Bale, American Hustle
Bruce Dern, Nebraska
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street
Oscar Isaac, Inside Llewyn Davis
Joaquin Phoenix, Her
Predicted Winner: Bruce Dern
Actual Winner: Leonardo DiCaprio, who cribs his "who'd have thought I'd have ever won for a comedy?" bit from 2006 Joaquin Phoenix.
10:20 EST: Chris Evans, Uma Thurman, and Uma Thurman's Morticia Adams dress are out to present.
Best Television Series Comedy
The Big Bang Theory
Parks and Recreation
Predicted Winner: Girls
Actual Winner: Brooklyn Nine-Nine. The correct choice!
10:16 EST: Ben Affleck emerges to present Best Director and manages not to mention how he wasn't nominated for an Oscar last year.
Alfonso Cuarón, Gravity
Paul Greengrass, Captain Phillips
Steve McQueen, 12 Years a Slave
Alexander Payne, Nebraska
David O. Russell, American Hustle
Predicted Winner: Alfonso Cuarón
Actual Winner: Alfonso Cuarón. Seven years too late, but okay! He tells a fantastic story about Sandra Bullock misunderstanding him on set and thinking he said he was going to give her "herpes" instead of an "earpiece."
10:15 EST: Liam Neeson is out to present the Best Picture clip for Gravity, because of course he was originally supposed to play the lead role, back when the movie was about an astronaut who must save his wife and daughter after they have been abducted and taken to deep space by Bulgarian gangsters.
10:02 EST: I think we were all expecting, when it was announced that Woody Allen would be receiving the DeMille Award, that the presentation would be handled by Emma Stone. Yes, yes, she's in his next film. Still, the reel of Woody Allen movies offers a virtual roll call of actors who might have handled this presentation instead: Diane Weist, Scarlett Johansson, Meryl Streep, Barbara Hershey.
Ah well, we at least get Diane Keaton instead, who's here because Woody is not. Nor is he ever. Stop giving him awards, you people! Just as fun are the cuts to various actors and actress around the room who have worked with Allen: Naomi Watts and Drew Barrymore and Cate Blanchett and Julia Roberts. Keaton's Trouffaut-referencing speech is probably the closest we're going to get to one more Nora Ephron AFI Tribute speech, up to and including getting bleeped for seven seconds for saying "goddamned." She ends it by singing a verse from "Make New Friends" and it's delightfully weird and very Diane Keaton, and since it didn't also involve coming out as a lesbian, it probably won't result in a whole bunch of obnoxious op-eds tomorrow morning, so there's that.
10:00 EST: Emma Thompson GIFs are how you should spend your commercial breaks:
Best Actress in a Television Series Comedy
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Lena Dunham, Girls
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Predicted Winner: Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Actual Winner: Amy Poehler! Hooray! For like a billion reasons, foremost being that she is fantastic and could not deserve it more. But also, because she makes out with Bono when she wins. And also now Michael Schur can quit tweet-grousing about how she never wins! "This is so cliche, but you get really nervous!"
9:54 EST: Colin Farrell can't present a Best Picture clip for Saving Mr. Banks, because it doesn't have one, so instead he presents a clip from Inside Llewyn Davis for literally no reason.
9:52 EST: Here are Emma Watson, Chris Pine, and the Chris Pine beard that every single gay man on Twitter could not shut up about are out to present.
Best Animated Film
Despicable Me 2
Predicted winner: Frozen
Actual Winner: Frozen. The short snippet of "Let It Go" we get here isn't enough, but we'll take it.
9:50 EST: Well, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is back sitting with the mouth-breathing TV types. GIF by Esther Zuckerman.
9:34 EST: Tina and Amy are drinking, so it must be getting close to time for the Best Actress in a TV Comedy Award. But first! They introduce Melissa McCarthy (with Jimmy Fallon) as the "cursing consultant on The Wolf of Wall Street." And if that weren't enough, they do a bit where Melissa got hit on the head and thinks she's Matt Damon? And it kind of goes nowhere? Eh, Melissa McCarthy is funny enough to sell it anyway.
Best Actor in a Television Miniseries or Movie
Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra
Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra
Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dancing on the Edge
Idris Elba, Luther
Al Pacino, Phil Spector
Predicted Winner: Michael Douglas
Actual Winner: Michael Douglas. Hey, no buttfucking jokes this time, Mike, eh? He doesn't, but he manages to make sure we all know how very much he never figured he was the type to play "mincing" Liberace. You guys, Michael Douglas is a billion-year-old womanzier. Maybe this is as good as it gets.
9:41 EST: Orlando Bloom and Zoe Saldana are out, and he can't announce the Best Foreign Film award fast enough.
Best Foreign Language Film
Blue Is the Warmest Color
The Great Beauty
The Wind Rises
Predicted Winner: Blue Is the Warmest Color
Actual Winner: The Great Beauty. Guess those lesbian sex scenes were too much for those foreign journalists after all.
9:33 EST: Seth Meyers, Julie Bowen, and Julie Bowen's truly strange color-blocked gown are here to present. But first, they offer to debase themselves to the HFPA
Best Actor in a Television Series Comedy
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Michael J. Fox, The Michael J. Fox Show
Jim Parson, The Big Bang Theory
Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Predicted Winner: Michael J. Fox
Actual Winner: Andy Samberg! "Best night ever," says Seth, a proud SNL papa. Andy slaps fives with Will Forte on the way, so there's kind of a theme happening. Brooklyn Nine-Nine is such a great show, everybody, you should be watching.
9:31 EST: Laura Dern is here! And she does have the We Don't Live Here Anymore auburn hair like I'd heard! She's presenting the clip for Nebraska, which is beyond perfect, since she's an Alexander Payne alum from the Citizen Ruth days, and she's also Bruce Dern's daughter. So they know each other because of that.
9:28 EST: Emma Thompson emerges with her heels in her right hand and a martini in her left. As a former Best Screenplay winner, she's the perfect choice to present that award here. Well, that and she IS perfect, really.
Spike Jonze, Her
Bob Nelson, Nebraska
Steve Coogan and Jeff Pope, Philomena
John Ridley, 12 Years a Slave
David O. Russell and Eric Warren Singer, American Hustle
Predicted Winner: David O. Russell and Eric Warren Singer, American Hustle
Actual Winner: Spike Jonze. Wow! Legit surprise! He shouts out to Megan Ellison a couple times, plus thanks David O. Russell for helping him along the way. He always seems so genuinely happy to be able to thank all the people who helped him get a movie done. And he gets a big Emma Thompson hug at the end, so what could be better.
9:21 EST: Christoph Waltz is here to present Best Supporting Actor, almost certainly just to hear him pronounce Daniel Bruhl's name.
Best Supporting Actor in a Film
Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips
Daniel Bruhl, Rush
Bradley Cooper, American Hustle
Michael Fassbender, 12 Years a Slave
Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club
Predicted Winner: Jared Leto
Actual Winner: Jared Leto. He does NOT look at his statue and ask "Why are you like that? Like how you are?" so minus a million points. He does manage to brag about his "tiny little Brazilian bubble butt" in the movie, and then to talk about getting a full-body wax (again name-dropping Brazil). "And to the Rayons of the world, thanks for the inspiration." That sounded afterthought-y enough to earn a few dozen angry thinkpieces tomorrow.
9:20 EST: Jim Carrey is apparently still a big enough star to get asked to present things at major awards shows. Huh. I can't think of one reason why he would be presenting the American Hustle clip, considering how many actors David O. Russell has worked with, but maybe he's burned just as many bridges. I mean, it's not like Clooney's gonna do it.
9:15 EST: A potentially tacky presentation of Miss Golden Globe by her parents, Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, is saved by a Tina/Amy bit about Tina's surly adult son (Amy) being Mr. Golden Globe. Is he Idris Elba's son? Harvey Weinstein's?
Best Actress in a Television Series Drama
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black
Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black
Kerry Washington, Scandal
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Predicted Winner: Taylor Schilling
Actual Winner: Robin Wright. HERE'S that House of Cards win I was expecting. Here's hoping she thanks ex-husband Sean Penn just to be a dick. Oooh! Or can she thank Naomi Watts for Adore?
9:06 EST: And now, the Robert Downey Jr. experience. He manages to crack a joke about every single nominee, like this is the Oscars and it's time to tell a story about everyone. Julie Delpy and Greta Gerwig reactions below:
Best Actress - Comedy
Amy Adams, American Hustle
Julie Delpy, Before Midnight
Greta Gerwig, Frances Ha
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Enough Said
Meryl Streep, August: Osage County
Predicted Winner: Amy Adams
Actual Winner: Amy Adams. And a well-deserved win, too, for being the ONLY good thing about that movie. And up to this minute, she delivers the speech of the night, particularly with a nod to her manager, whom she says was the first woman totake her on when she moved out to L.A. 15 years ago.
9:05 EST: Olivia Wilde gets to present the Best Picture clip for Her. It's a lovely clip from a lovely movie.
9:00 EST: Two handsome actors and Amber Heard are out to present TV supporting actor.
Best Supporting Actor, Television
Josh Charles, The Good Wife
Rob Lowe, Behind the Candelabra
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan
Corey Stoll, House of Cards
Predicted Winner: Rob Lowe
Actual Winner: Jon Voight. His FOURTH Golden Globe, after Runaway Train, Coming Home, and Midnight Cowboy. That puts him one up on his daughter, Angelina Jolie, and don't think he doesn't know it. He picks up the "nervous" meme from Jennifer Lawrence and Elisabeth Moss. And he gets played out by the band just as he's making an oblique reference to Angie/his family.
8:53 EST: TIME FOR BEST SONG, "LET IT GO" OR BUST.
Best Original Song
"Altas," The Hunger Games
"Let it Go," Frozen
"Ordinary Love," Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
"Please Mr. Kennedy," Inside Llewyn Davis
"Sweeter than Fiction," One Chance
Predicted Winner: "Let It Go," Frozen
Actual Winner: "Ordinary Love," the U2 song for a Nelson Mandela movie that was promised to Bono when he saved the life of a trickster god on his last trip to Cape Town. In related news:
8:50 EST: Kate Beckinsale, Sean Combs, and Usher are out to present Best Score.
Best Original Score
Alex Ebert, All is Lost
Alex Heffes, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
Steven Price, Gravity
John Williams, The Book Thief
Hans Zimmer, 12 Years a Slave
Predicted Winner: Steven Price
Actual Winner: Alex Ebert, for the other movie that is a duet between one actor and their music. Ebert is a crazy bushy-haired hipster, and there some joke between him and Diddy about partying on a boat that is maybe a joke or maybe for real. After those Ciroc ads, anything is possible.
8:48 EST: Steve Coogan and the real-life Philomena Lee are out to present the Best Picture clip for Inside Llewyn Davis. Just kidding! They're out to present the Best Picture clip for Rush.
8:41 EST: Eckhart and Patton again.
Best Television Series Drama
The Good Wife
House of Cards
Masters of Sex
Predicted Winner: House of Cards
Actual Winner: Breaking Bad. Okay, maybe the HFPA really did marathon Breaking Bad over the Christmas break. I am no longer kidding. JOKES ARE OVER, EVERYBODY. Serious live-blogging from here on out.
8:38 EST: Aaron Eckhart and Paula Patton and Paula Patton's giant shoulder ruffle are out to present.
Best Actor in a Television Series Drama
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
Michael Sheen, Masters of Sex
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
James Spader, The Blacklist
Predicted Winner: Kevin Spacey
Actual Winner: Bryan Cranston. As the whoop from the audience indicated, this was a VERY popular win in the room. Certainly popular enough for the HFPA to override their preference for all things new. Maybe since they hardly ever nominated this show before, the HFPA just marathonned Breaking Bad over the Christmas break?
8:35 EST: A teleprompter issue (apparently real?) leads to a piece of notebook paper serving as the banter for Jonah Hill and Margot Robbie as they introduce the Wolf of Wall Street Best Picture clip. No fucks in this one.
8:34 EST: Amy Poehler with a V.I. Warshawski joke (DRINK TWENTY DRINKS) en route to the speech from the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Nothing quite so wonderful as last year's Bradley Cooper sexual harrassment, but it's short and sweet.
8:30 EST: While we're on a commercial, here's Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Reese Witherspoon being glamorous Film Actresses, from the monologue, courtesy of our own Esther Zuckerman:
8:28 EST: Matt Damon, star of the better Bourne films, comes out to introduce a clip from Paul Greengrass's Captain Phillips, a Best Picture nominee tonight. It's not a scene but kind of a mini-trailer, as has become the custom at awards shows lately, much to my chagrin. Still, it includes a bit from that incredibly powerful ending, so there's that.
Best Actress in a Television Miniseries of Movie
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven
Helena Bonham Carter, Burton and Taylor
Rebecca Ferguson, The White Queen
Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake
Helen Mirren, Phil Spector
Predicted Winner: Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake
Actual Winner: Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake. Even though I realized right at the end there that I was rooting hard for Helena Bonham Carter. Everybody gets to see Elisabeth's fab dress now, though. She thanks everybody in her category, though Jessica Lange looks decidedly bored.
8:22 EST: Naomi Watts and Mark Ruffalo emerge to lecture us about recognizing miniseries while we still have them.
Best Television Miniseries or Movie
American Horror Story: Coven
Behind the Candelabra
Dancing on the Edge
Top of the Lake
The White Queen
Predicted Winner: Behind the Candelabra
Actual Winner: Behind the Candelabra. Steven Soderbergh is apparently not here, or else he'd clearly be taking the stage now, yes? The tinkly Liberace piano is nearly finished by the time the producers take the stage. Soderbergh gets thanked, and nobody makes any jokes about Michael Douglas/Matt Damon anal sex, so we're already one up on the Emmys.
8:15 EST: Mila Kunis and an absolutely UNFAIR-looking Channing Tatum are out to present next.
Best Supporting Actress, Television
Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing on the Edge
Janet McTeer, The White Queen
Hayden Panettiere, Nashville
Monica Potter, Parenthood
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Predicted Winner: Janet McTeer
Actual Winner: Jacqueline Bisset. Well, we had the right rationale (fancy Brit lady in TV movie) but wrong actress. Poor Ms. Bisset gets the evening's first "seated so far at the back that she can barely make it to the stage" moment. She then gets the evening's first "Anna Paquin too speechless to say anything" moment. Finally, she gets the evening's first "played off with the music" moment, and the first "is she drunk, or ...?" moment, AND the first "bleeped for saying 'shit'" moment. Golden Globes Bingo!
8:10 EST: First award! Bit of an awkward transition. Guess they needed Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock for reaction shots.
Best Supporting Actress in a Film
Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle
Lupita Nyong'o, 12 Years a Slave
June Squibb, Nebraska
Julia Roberts, August: Osage County
Predicted Winner: Jennifer Lawrence
Actual Winner: Jennifer Lawrence. Blows past Emma Thompson AND Amy Adams, if you're looking for backlash fodder. But you know what? The girl shouts out I Heart Huckabees and Three Kings and Flirting with Disaster, so don't even come for her. "Don't ever do this again!" she closes.
8:06 EST: Nominating that "George Clooney would rather float away into space than spend one more minute with a woman his own age" joke as the Kathryn Bigelow/James Cameron crowd-slayer of the year.
8:05 EST: Tina and Amy's alternate title for American Hustle: "Explosion at the Wig Factory." Accurate!
8:05 EST: Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts sitting next to each other at the August: Osage County table, like they have something to prove NOT THAT THEY DO.
8:00 EST: SPIT OUT THAT GUM, WE'RE STARTING.
7:55 EST: Best dressed, as we finish up the red carpet? Elisabeth Moss. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Cate Blanchett, who is dressed in an elaborate spider web. Worst dressed? Matt Lauer's sunglasses.
7:45 EST: Jennifer Lawrence just live-TV-bombed Taylor Swift, as the prophets foretold.
7:15 EST: Matt Lauer anchoring the NBC pre-show coverage with his sunglasses on. He's really embracing his new status as the villain of morning television, huh? It's like a WWF-style heel turn. Don't be surprised if he slaps the posterboard signs out of children's hands next.
7:05 EST: Breaking my own personal record for responding to someone's fashion tweets with a link to Reese Witherspoon's 2007 Globes dress. This Golden Globe fashion has yet to be topped, but head on over to Allie Jones's fashion roundup to see how everyone else is looking (Lupita Nyong'o, my goodness!)
6:55 EST: Getting ready to leave the E! coverage and put aside Giuliana Rancic and Ryan Seacrest for another year. A little bit of a wrap-up: the celebrity least able to mask their disgust for Ryan Seacrest was Amy Adams. The most overly enthusiastic greeting of Ryan was Jonah Hill. Strangest Ryan Seacrest banter: Margot Robbie reminding Ryan that they met at a gym in Argentina on Thanksgiving. Best celebrity interaction that happened while the anchors were blabbering was Will Forte and Elisabeth Moss. Best dressed hosts and best friends? Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Bye forever, E!
6:40 EST: Giuliana Rancic just goaded Elisabeth Moss into flipping off the mani-cam and then proceeded to freak out about it, and they then argued for about three minutes about who wanted who to do it, and this is legitimately the most exciting thing that will happen on the red carpet until Robert Redford goes floating down the flooded red carpet on his life raft, so I hope you were watching.
Gif via @ditzkoff
6:25 EST: Okay, UNCLE. The football game went to halftime and I switched the channel to the E! pre-show, and I guess I live here now. Naomi Watts and Liev Schrieber are here, and after a 2013 output that consisted of Diana, Adore, and Movie 43, I defy you to name one actress braver for showing up tonight.
Meantime, at least Sarah Hyland (Modern Family) and Kelly Osbourne have name-dropped their close personal friendships with Taylor Swift, making the country queen an early front-runner for the night's hottest accessory.
6:00 EST: The red carpet at the Beverly Hilton is flooded, due to a sprinkler-system activation. Water everywhere. Somewhere, Bruce Vilanch furiously jots down "wet carpet" ad-libs for a Whoopi Goldberg who isn't there.
5:00 EST: Okay, it's early yet, and we won't begin the official liveblog until 7:00pm, but here's where you'll want to be once the festivities begin for real. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting. Diane Keaton will be on hand to accept the Cecil B. DeMille Award on behalf of Woody Allen. Ben Affleck has once again been snubbed. It's all happening!
In case you're curious and/or if you've still not filled out your pool ballots, we offered our predictions for who will in in the film categories and also in the TV categories. And while we're in the mood to predict things, I might as well get the following out there, just in case NBC follows suit, and I look like a genius.
I wonder what song NBC will parody when identifying arriving celebrities at the Globes this year. "Blurred Lines," probably, right?— joereid (@joereid) January 2, 2014
"There's Emma Thompson [hey hey hey] and Oscar Isaac [hey hey hey] what rhymes with Nyong'o?"— joereid (@joereid) January 2, 2014
See you at 7!