Today in celebrity gossip: Selena Gomez cancels her world tour, William and Kate's text messages are adorable, and Kanye West has been unmasked as the mastermind behind the Kardashians' insane Christmas card.

Selena Gomez, the tiny 21-year-old best known for chastely hugging Justin Bieber in front of cameras as well as starring in Spring Breakers, The Wizards of Waverly Place, and selling millions upon millions of scream-sung .mp3s, has abruptly canceled her upcoming world tour with little explanation. "After many years of putting my work first, I need to spend some time on myself in order to be the best person I can be." She apparently came to this decision only days after a disastrous performance at the 2013 Jingle Ball, during which her equipment malfunctioned, she cursed, and then left the stage after dejectedly telling the crowd "I promise, a lot cooler people are gonna come out tonight." It's usually pretty easy to parse celebrity-speak when it comes to big, strange decisions that result in loss of income. "Exhaustion" usually means drugs. "Creative differences" means somebody more powerful believed that celebrity was an asshole. "Recurring Medical condition" often means the tour didn't pre-sell enough tickets. You know? It's just usually easy to translate what's really going on. But in this case? It seems like maybe Selena Gomez has simply reached the breaking point when it comes to the type of bullsh*t that child stars are expected to undertake (an unnecessary pop music career always seems particularly egregious). Selena Gomez is legitimately talented--particularly in comedy--so why should she bother singing some old Swedish man's pop confections when she could be doing more acclaimed acting work and forging a more lasting, adult career for herself? These are just questions, because who even knows what's going on in Selena Gomez's mind? I don't! But this measured, honest, and thoughtful decision to quit her world tour is a rare instance when it seems like a celebrity might be more reasonable than they're generally given credit for. Go find yourself, Selena Gomez. Put away the fake and return to us real. Thus concludes Unsolicited Pop Star Therapy Minute. [Us Weekly]

Upfront: It's completely disgusting that anybody's private texts or emails could be hacked and then leaked to the public. That's obvious. It's against the law, but it's also just morally reprehensible in general. What kind of monster would do that to anybody? That being said... Because of disgraced British tabloid News of the World's infamous hacking scandal from a few years back and its still-ongoing court proceedings, we now know that Prince William calls Kate Middleton "Babykins." I mean, come on. That's adorable. It had been in question which members of the royal family had had their phones hacked, but now we know that Middleton's had, and apparently also Prince Harry's, from which a message was retrieved of Prince William leaving Harry a teasing voicemail impersonating his then-girlfriend: "You are the best looking ginger I have ever seen! It's lovely out here in Africa and hopefully I'll see you very soon you big hairy fat ginger." Haha oh man. So yes, News of the World was a garbage publication and deserves to rot in infamy. However, it's nice to know that the younger royals are adorable and hilarious. You know? [Us Weekly]

If you didn't get enough of Robin Wright's May-December romance in the film Adore, maybe you'll be titillated to know that, IRL, Robin Wright is now very hot and heavy with much younger actor Ben Foster? Sure, at 33 he's not exactly a teenager, but that's still a 14 year age difference. The always 100% trustworthy Life & Style (note: Life & Style is not 100% trustworthy) reports that the two are so serious that they're already engaged and planning a wedding. Which, you know what? That is awesome. If true, good for both of them. More esteemed actresses of a certain age should marry young bucks. Sorry to sound VERY political, but why should old men have all the May-December fun? Get it, ladies. [Life & Style]

Please don't call Sarah Jessica Parker's manual grasping appendages "witch hands." That is rude and quite frankly makes her car sick when she reads such things in tabloid articles about herself. Just because she was in Hocus Pocus does not give anybody the right to say that she has witch hands. Nor does the fact that her hands appear particularly veiny whenever she hands poisoned apples to fair-skinned damsels. It's ageist, to be honest. And just because Sarah Jessica Parker's hands occasionally resemble the face-hugger from Alien does not make it okay to suggest that she'd have plastic surgery to change them. That is low. Everybody's hands come in different shapes and sizes, and just because certain hands seem particularly suited to snatching the still-beating hearts out of virgins does NOT mean they should be called "witch hands." Sarah Jessica Parker thanks you in advance. [Us Weekly]

Remember that unholy nightmare known as the 2013 Kardashian Family Holiday card? Of course you do. Ever since the fateful day that grim visual cacophony hit the internet, it's been seared into your memory and you've been haunted by its portent. Both a threat and a promise, that image seeped into your consciousness like a dank, black fog and laid claim to your waking thoughts. Well, though it should have been obvious in retrospect, a new and important fact has come to light: That upsetting tableau was engineered by KANYE WEST. So while there is still no denying that the card remains a sacred communication only the Illuminati can translate, this revelation at the very least confirms Kanye West speaks that particular tongue. Also, um, fun facts? That photo cost $250,000, its price tag was covered by the Keeping Up with the Kardashians production budget, and it was photographed by David LaChapelle only after both Annie Liebovitz and Mario Testino declined the job. Or, as Radar's source put it, Testino “laughed it off as a total nightmare assignment. But that happens to be David LaChapelle’s specialty, so he wound up with the gig." Congratulations to everybody involved, but especially psychotherapists! Happy holidays, psychotherapists! [Radar Online]

Quick question: Is Mariah Carey on some kind of Awful Nation World Tour? Only days after helicoptering over mass-slaughters and systemic corruption to perform for a Nigerian banking company, Mariah Carey allegedly performed a private gig for Josè Eduardo dos Santos, the unelected, despotic ruler of Angola who has presided over myriad human rights abuses during his 33 years in power. Oh, Mariah Carey. And all this after she publicly apologized for a 2008 private performance before Moammar Khadafy’s family. But to be fair, learning lessons and/or exercising personal integrity is no easy task when a $1M paycheck is dangled in front of you. Who among us wouldn't agree to perform "Dreamlover" or "Fantasy" in front of an African dictator for $1M? Personally, I'd do it for $35 and a nacho platter, but I am garbage. What is Mariah Carey's excuse? [Page Six]

Sorry ladies, he's taken. Taken by sinful, primal, bestial urges the likes of which might keep an elderly Duck Dynasty castmember awake at night. That's right, this week champion figure skater Brian Boitano made a shocking announcement: That he'd not yet made an announcement that he was gay. Nobody could believe it; how was it possible this gay man had not yet formally announced that he was gay? Consider that oversight rectified. Brian Boitano has now officially announced that he is gay. So, yeah. That particular loose end is now tied up. [Us Magazine]

Not to be outdone by a couple of elderly knights in bowler hats paying a visit to Kris Kringle, today Alyssa Milano retweeted an image of herself at a 1980s Glendale Galleria meet and greet where the then-teen star met with and greeted a fetal Eva Mendes. And it is adorable, obviously. Advantage: Milano.