Today in celebrity gossip: Martha Stewart throws major shade at Gwyneth Paltrow, Ryan Gosling is possibly back on the market, and Miley Cyrus is possibly dating Kellan Lutz. (Possibilities are endless!)

Gwyneth Paltrow may have an Oscar, a stacked bank account, several homes, a lead singer of Coldplay, two children with super chill names, and still-vivid memories of waking up beside Brad Pitt, but one thing she will NEVER have is Martha Stewart's respect. Running contra to the notion that all wealthy east coast WASPs are besties, Martha Stewart began throwing shade on GOOP's creator and self-appointed lifestyle guru last October when she started dishing out backhanded compliments right and left: "I haven't eaten at Gwyneth's house. She's a charming, pretty person who has a feeling for lifestyle. If she's authentic, all the better." Haha, oh man. It's okay if you misread that statement as a compliment but it was definitely not a compliment. First off, the word "pretty" is only ever used derogatorily anymore. But also the phrase "If she's authentic" is hilarious in that it outright states Martha Stewart does not find Gwyneth Paltrow authentic at all. Which is bold coming from Martha Stewart! Anyway, soon after that incident, Martha Stewart, of course, denied that she had any beef with Paltrow, but then this week she answered a TMZ cameraman's query of who was the better lifestyle coach with a harrumph: "Lifestyle coach? Oh, for heaven's sake, you have to have lived to be a coach." It's not clear what Stewart meant by "live" (Prison time? The near collapse of one's omnimedia corporation?), but it IS clear that Martha Stewart definitely does not like Gwyneth Paltrow. It's a good goop thing. [Daily Mail, TMZ]

Embattled tough guy, bruised hero, man of few words (but many scars), taciturn brute, buff wallflower: Ryan Gosling's resume is a diverse spectrum of characters, but now he's playing something new: A man who is "taking a break" from Eva Mendes! That's right, after about two years of "moving too fast," Gosling and Mendes have decided to "reevaluate their romance." What does this mean for you, the ordinary citizen who would like to swoop in there and date Ryan Gosling? (Or Eva Mendes?) (Or both?) It means nothing because they will probably be back together by New Year's, or, barring that, will date literally anybody else. Oh, well. Didn't we almost have it all? [Radar]

Miley Cyrus has had quite a year. She waggled her tongue, she wobbled her pelvic region, she stretched leotards beyond the human capacity of understanding, she trolled both conservative AND liberal pundits, and now she may have capped it all off by snagging the human version of Kobe beef to sleep beside. If rumors can be trusted (and rumors can always be trusted), Miley Cyrus is very possibly dating Kellan Lutz, the busty star of countless teen thrillers as well as the upcoming Renny Harlin film (and future Best Picture winner) The Legend of Hercules. These rumors, by the way, stem from the fact that the two of them recently rode on the same private jet and disembarked separately, which, admittedly, is the modern day celebrity version of wearing someone's fraternity pin. These two are definitely going steady, right? Well, even if they aren't, hopefully they bonded on that flight well enough that she gave him a twerking lesson or two. Is twerking still a thing? Can it still be a thing in this specific circumstance, please? Anyway, congratulations, everybody. [E! Online]

Let us now observe a moment of silence for the cast and crew of La Guardia High School's production of Grease. They're not dead per se, but let's be real, they may as well be. Because nothing that they will ever do or accomplish for the rest of their lives will matter as much as the fact that they just performed Grease alongside Madonna's daughter Lourdes Leon (as Rizzo!) with Madonna in attendance. Like a mysterious but ultimately beneficent witch, Madonna lurked in shadows wearing her sunglasses the entire time and then whisked the entire cast off to the Hudson Hotel where she threw an "apres-ski themed" cast party. If you ever encountered someone who had performed Grease in front of Madonna and had afterward pounded pink lemonades with her, would you ever, ever care about anything else that person had experienced in their whole lives? Definitely not. It's like, "Congrats on that Nobel prize or whatever, but wait, did Madonna mouth the words to 'Summer Nights'?" But that's okay, everybody should have at least one good anecdote before they go quietly into the night. These kids now definitely have one. [Page Six]

It's not clear why Orlando Bloom's been going around accusing Evangeline Lilly of being a sauced-up booze vacuum, but Lilly would like to set the record straight. This week, the star of The Hobbit: At Least Two More Hours of This (and surefire Oscar nominee) dropped by Chelsea Lately and picked apart Bloom's (playful) accusations of hard partying with the intensity of a Southern prosecutor. Like, first of all, she didn't remember him in attendance at the very party at which she'd supposedly gotten trashed. He'd also misidentified her boyfriend. And she definitely, definitely did not throw up. So that settles that! Evangeline Lilly does not appreciate Orlando Bloom's vicious lies. Why are you lying about Evangeline Lilly's drinking problem, Orlando Bloom? We may never know the answer to this question. [Us Weekly]

Finally, please enjoy this delightful image that Sir Patrick Stewart tweeted yesterday of Sir Ian McKellen and himself straddling Santa's lap in matching bowler hats:

If THAT doesn't warm the cockles of your icy heart, then maybe just lie down in your grave already because COME ON.