Today in celebrity gossip: Justin Bieber "jokes" that he's ready to retire, Kim Kardashian denies waxing her baby's eyebrows, and Katy Perry and John Mayer have begun doing publicity for their love.

Yesterday's worldwide cacophony of plaintive wails and sad, sloppy sighs was likely caused by one of two things: Justin Bieber telling a radio host that he intended to retire soon OR perhaps it was just the realization that he was probably joking. Because that's how our entire population is divided now: Beliebers vs. Behaters (?). During a verrry stoned-sounding interview with Los Angeles radio station Power 106, Bieber was asked what his future held, and he croaked out some kind of "joke" about how his upcoming album will be his last. But then, of course, his people quashed that notion almost immediately after the interview was over, assuring us that retirement's not an option because "the kid's got ambition." Which is an interesting thing to say about a teenager who'd only minutes earlier exited a van alongside a cloud of pot smoke. But to play devil's advocate for a second (specifically Justin Bieber's advocate), what if his "joke" about intending to retire was a cry for help? Yes, it seems like much of his behavior is garbage these days, but is there a chance that this former child slave performer is altogether tired of this machine? Was that why his people were so quick to crush that suggestion? Because there's truth to it and they'd lose millions of dollars if Justin Bieber decided to lead a normal, healthy life all of a sudden? These are simply questions, friends. Thus concludes the 45 seconds per week max that we should spend attempting to figure out Justin Bieber. [TMZ, TMZ]

To the lucky few of you who successfully avoided all Kardashian-related news yesterday: Something mildly amusing happened! Basically, Kim Kardashian 'grammed a photo of North, the much revered, much feared progeny of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. And guess what? That child is adorable. And because she has not yet begun to rant about couture or bourgeois slavery, North is already the most tolerable member of that family. But within minutes of that particular image hitting the web, bored weirdos with internet connections everywhere began to accuse Kim Kardashian of waxing her baby's eyebrows to match her own. Which is a notion as disgusting as it is believable. Sorry, but it is. Believable that is. It's untrue, though, at least according to a Kardashian spokesperson. And yeah, come to think of it, waxing just seems so impractical when it comes to babies. Makeup, photoshopping, and hiring a professional photographer? Those seem far more in the Kardashian wheelhouse. Anyway, to sum up, if there is one thing that you take away from this day, it's that Kim Kardashian did not wax her baby's eyebrows. Very few things in life are certain. Why not grab this fact and hug it with both arms? [Page Six]

At what point does it become clear that celebrities LOVE to have their hearts broken? Taylor Swift seems to have made a career of it, just barreling into bad celebrity relationships with intensity of a woman on a mission. Katy Perry too has really started to rack up some ill-fated relationships, but unlike Swift she seems a little too awkward and damaged for it to seem pre-meditated. Case in point: Rebounding from ex-husband Russell Brand to serial celeb-seducer (and Taylor Swift ex!) John Mayer? Sure. Why not? The heart wants what it wants. In this case Katy Perry's heart wants a washed-up folk hunk, and it wants to record a duet with him and it also wants to appear on Good Morning America with him where he accidentally says the F-word and she spends the interview with a plastered-on smile and dead eyes. Maybe deep down ALL of our hearts want this as well? Love is a mystery. Anyway, but yeah, Katy Perry and John Mayer are now officially at the stage of their relationship where they want everybody to know about it, but they are not yet at the stage of their relationship where John Mayer can say the F-word on Good Morning America and Katy Perry won't look awkward in general. Because haha, she looked very awkward here. But what is love if not awkward? Enjoy it, you two. [E! Online]

Recently, the pride of Ireland Colin Farrell appeared on Ellen where he recounted the time he met Elizabeth Taylor at the hospital and they proceeded to have a two-year platonic phone romance until she up and died on him. Upon first hearing this story, roughly 100% percent of the nation's citizens got confusion-boners and absolutely nobody has been able to function since. That's because instead of describing what was probably a harmless, occasional correspondence between two actors of different generations, Colin Farrell had to use phrases like "romantic relationship" and "I wanted to be [husband] number eight" with regard to a literally dying 79-year-old. I'm not saying Farrell's salacious anecdote tarnishes Elizabeth Taylor's reputation or anything—she probably would have loved all these insinuations—but it DOES tarnish everybody's Colin Farrell's daydreams and for that, he must be stopped. No more of this, Colin Farrell. [Page Six]

Speaking of people who must be stopped, another Kardashian story! In this case, Kylie Jenner, 16-year-old daughter of Kris and Bruce Jenner, has now gone on record that she and noted Twitter philosopher Jaden Smith are just friends, though under the right circumstances she would like to go to prom with him. There are probably more sentences, words, letters, and phrases that appear in the linked article, but there is also literally everything else in the world and frankly right now all of it is more interesting. [Us Magazine]

Page Six posted a tidbit about Will Ferrell spending a pleasant evening at a restaurant where he ate ice cream sundaes and entertained diners with spirited renditions of Swedish anthems in Swedish (Ferrell is married to a Swede). A classic non-story like only Page Six can deliver, but the truly amusing passage arrives at the end in which we discover in two sentences just how sad and limited a Page Six writer's life can be: "When we asked Ferrell’s humorless rep, Matt Labov, how he knows Swedish tunes, he snarked in an e-mail, 'It’s widely documented in a lot of his press that his wide [sic] in [sic] Swedish. Would have found on Wikipedia in about 4 seconds.'" Haha okay, so just to get this straight, somebody sent a "tip" to Page Six that Will Ferrell was eating dessert and singing in Swedish, and a Page Six writer followed up on that tip by doing zero research, contacting Will Ferrell's publicist directly, and it was such a non-item that not even a publicist tasked with blanketing the earth with Anchorman 2 mentions could bring himself to behave cordially toward this person? And then the Page Six writer tried to exact revenge on that publicist by going "[sic]"-crazy and generally throwing shade? Okay, cool, just checking. Happy holidays, everybody. [Page Six]

To end on a more positive note: One Direction. Yes, those lads really just know how to put smiles on our faces, don't they? Whether we are fans, creepy celeb-gossip rounder-uppers, or sick children: We can all agree on the restorative healing powers of elaborately coiffed British boys in tight pants. Anyway, not to sound bitter or jealous, but yesterday, the sick children got waaaaaay more than their fare share of One Direction when four of the members (sans an ailing Zayn) surprised an especially sick group of kids with an impromptu meet-and-greet outside a charity screening of their documentary propaganda piece This Is Us. As if the sick kids weren't already lucky enough to experience an on-the-spot performance of "What Makes You Beautiful," they were also showered with One Direction fineries like perfumes, t-shirts, and concert tickets, plus, you know they got to SEE and possibly even TOUCH One Direction with their eyes and hands. Ugh, so, SO unfair. Why do sick kids get all the fun? Sick kids get everything! I am so tired of sick kids. Get out of here, sick kids! You are hogging One Direction, I hate you! [E! Online]