Today in celebrity gossip: Joan Rivers is the only person in America who doesn't love Jennifer Lawrence, Keri Russell may be secretly dating her on-screen husband, and Justin Bieber really IS retiring.

Nothing in life is certain. One minute everybody on earth — including even those in comas and most ghosts — adores Jennifer Lawrence. And then along comes Joan Rivers in her fur coat and her ornamental Venetian mask to ruin the party and destroy Jennifer Lawrence's 100% likability streak. Apparently Lawrence's recent outspokenness against things like Rivers' public access TV show Fashion Police and in particular how they contribute to a culture of judgmentalism, enraged Joan Rivers. Essentially calling Lawrence a hypocrite, Rivers rebutted "I love that she’s telling everyone how wrong it is to worry about retouching and body image, and meanwhile, she has been touched up more than a choir boy at the Vatican." If this debate were settled by zingers alone, then game, set, match: Joan Rivers. Obviously. But in this case Rivers was kind of moving the goal posts, right? Lawrence's point about the very function of things like Fashion Police still stands. That show takes an image of an actress — an image curated by professional stylists and makeup artists — and distills it down to simply calling someone homely. Sure, Lawrence hires professionals and benefits from retouching, but it seems that her point has more to do with the criticism of women who don't meet a frequently impossible standard of beauty, with or without help. I think? I don't know. Look, Joan Rivers is a legit legend and Jennifer Lawrence is wonderful. Why must they fight? We're all on the same planet hurtling through outer space at the same exact rate, ladies. Let's enjoy it! [Page Six]

Two co-workers have fallen in love! No, not Nancy Jo and Esteban from Accounting. Whatever Nancy Jo and Esteban have going on is NOT love and they should frankly be ashamed of themselves. No, the lovelorn co-workers of whom I speak in this instance are Keri Russell and (possibly!) Matthew Rhys, two of the title characters of The Americans, FX's hit drama about everybody in the United States, but in particular two Russian spies in the early 1980s. According to "multiple sources," upon Russell's separation from her IRL husband mere weeks ago, she immediately took up with her TV husband. Allegedly. Because who knows? We're merely discussing the personal details of real people with real lives and families, and these two in particular aren't really tabloid fixtures usually, but still. Keri Russell and Matthew Rhys may have shared one too many moments of lustful intensity on camera and couldn't help but "take their work home" where they went "deep" and "under cover" and other "spy-themed sexual innuendos." Which is their right! Happy Christmas, you two. Just make sure to notify HR. [Page Six]

Remember a few days ago when Justin Bieber flat-out stated that he intended to retire soon and then his team jumped into the fray and tried to convince us that Justin Bieber was only kidding? Well, it increasingly seems like Justin Bieber was not kidding. In a truly unexpected Christmas Eve announcement (when, perhaps, Bieber's team was all at home with their families and thus could not restrain the impulses of a sullen teen), Bieber tweeted "My beloved beliebers I'm officially retiring." Who even knows what kind of sirens that tweet set off around the Bieber Compound, but a day later he sorrrrta (but not really) backtracked, tweeting "I'm never leaving you, being a belieber is a lifestyle" and "IM HERE FOREVER." So there you have it! A supposedly spirit-lifting non-denial! Honestly, it already felt like this kid, as evidenced by his myriad media faux pas all year, has been increasingly disinterested in having a music career. As often happens when you are deemed world's stage-worthy as a toddler and forced into the unrelenting entertainment machine during your formative years. So now it seems like he's actually getting past his handlers and making big moves on his own? We may not have much reason to compliment Bieber lately, but if he, like Selena Gomez (who recently canceled her Australian tour), realizes that being a part of the exhausting pop machine is not what he wants at the moment, then good for him. Go off and be a human being, Justin Bieber. Or at least just go. [Page Six]

Has Dakota Fanning been distancing herself from little sister Elle Fanning recently? The answer is yes, she literally distanced herself in that she moved to New York while Elle remained in L.A. But Radar has noticed that these cities are clear across the continent from one another and decided that the two sisters are somehow not getting along anymore. According to a source, "Dakota is completely unimpressed with the red carpet culture in Hollywood, while Elle totally worships it." If you don't speak Hollywood, that means "irreconcilable differences between sisters who now hate each other." Because, you see, even though 19-year-old Dakota is a full four years older than the 15-year-old Elle AND they each have thriving careers, sisters simply cannot live in different cities. It is not done. I mean, personally, I have never felt more despised than when my older siblings left home for college, so I relate to Elle's anguish in this situation. Anyway, this article was five paragraphs of meaningless non-story until it took a CHILLING turn: Perhaps explaining what exactly Dakota was trying to get away from, Elle has recently fallen under the guidance of none other than Angelina Jolie! "They became firm friends on the set of Maleficent, and Angie’s decided to take Elle under her wing." If that doesn't chill you to your bones then perhaps your bones have been stolen... by Angelina Jolie! [Radar]

Christmas is by far the most popular holiday centered around a benevolent ruler bestowing a child upon a humble working-class woman, so it makes sense that Arnold Schwarzenegger would use the occasion to celebrate his unplanned miracle birth. This year the not-quite-16-year-old Joseph Baena (the son of the former housekeeper who is no longer on Maria Shriver's Christmas card list) received a fancy new Jeep Wrangler from his former governor biological father! Which is honestly awesome! Who among us wouldn't want to be Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child? You get Jeeps! In related news (well, half-related), Patrick Schwarzenegger tweeted a picture of an acupuncture needle "in my freaking forehead." [TMZ]

Finally, on Christmas morning Kendall Jenner 'grammed a photo of herself and half-sister Khloe Kardashian just chillin' on the countertop wearing matching onesies and covering their faces. Adorable, in a suicide cult-type way!