Today in celebrity gossip: Britney Spears's Las Vegas debut featured an uninvited star in Miley Cyrus, Robin Roberts officially came out, and Stevie Nicks presided over a sacred ceremony.
Not since the finale of Stephen King's The Stand has Las Vegas seemed so sinister and mystical as this past weekend when Britney Spears' Las Vegas residency Britney: Piece of Me finally debuted. Floating pyramids, rings of fire, winged harnesses, several dozen half-heartedly lip-synced songs: All re-established Spears' reign as the current queen of over-the-top entertainment both intentional AND unintentional. But what should have been a major victory for stage parents who successfully remove legal agency from their grown children and sign them up for punishing performance schedules ended up being nothing less than an art heist! That's because none other than Miley Cyrus showed up in the front row on opening night and upstaged EVERYBODY by jumping up from her V.I.P. table and making out with one of Spears' backup dancers! Then, as a sluggish and disengaged Spears continued to awkwardly gyrate amid pyrotechnics, Cyrus had the audacity to mouth the lyrics and dance to Spears's hits with more joy and purpose than Spears could ever dream of (as seen in a fan's Instagram video below):
Honestly, it was all a bit unfair. Spears has been little more than a friendly ghost ever since her public meltdown and subsequent medicatings, bufferings, and proppings-up by her team over 7 years ago, while Miley Cyrus has spent most of the year doing a multi-layered performance art piece about sex-in-airquotes and demonstrating a grade-A masterclass trolling of all pop culture. Or, as the New York Times put it in their slightly depressing review of Piece of Me, "If Ms. Spears is one of the last Stepford pop stars, Ms. Cyrus is a new model—unpredictable, self-determining, actually fun." Ouch. But yes, quite. [Page Six]
Miley Cyrus' front-row spotlight jacking wasn't the only newsworthy angle to Britney Spears' Vegas show. Page Six adds insult to injury by rudely pointing out that Spears' painted-on abs looked sloppy during rehearsal. And TMZ caught Katy Perry standing in the audience looking bored. (Or maybe something about the literal smoke and mirrors had simply made Perry momentarily introspective?) Finally, Us Weekly suggested that perhaps Spears's Vegas debut was little more than an opening act for the actual main event, an after party hosted by Miley Cyrus at a nearby nightclub where she reveled with Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, Emile Hirsch, Adam Lambert, and the pillar of golden riverstones called Kellan Lutz whom Cyrus is rumored to be climbing around on these days. It's not stated in any of these articles what Spears herself did after her show, but it's safe to say it involved banishment to an overly upholstered hotel room, staring sadly into a vanity, and asking herself, "Why do these tears come at night?" [Page Six, TMZ, Us Weekly]
For the record, Britney Spears handled her upstaging with the kind of quiet dignity any once-dynamic, now-fully puppeteered money generator might. With a supportive tweet!
Despite their best efforts, Miley Cyrus and Kellan Lutz don't get to have ALL the sex. There are certain other grown adults (and married ones even!) who get to share in Mother Nature's most precious gift as well, and right now I am specifically referring to Beyonce and Jay Z! As Radar reports, the day after Christmas, two of the most talented people in Illuminati history ventured out from their condo (I'm guessing?) and into the NY sex shop Babeland for a $6,000 sex toy shopping spree! Don't worry, though, Radar's source was quick to point out they didn't buy anything "tacky," but instead procured only top of the line instruments of sensuality, including "gold-plated" items. So there you go: If you want to tingle like a superstar, get some cold metal near your bathing suit region pronto. [Radar]
Following in the footsteps of Olympic figure skater Brian Boitano's recent shocking announcement that he hadn't yet admitted he was gay, Good Morning America's Robin Roberts formally announced that she too is gay. "She hadn't already mentioned that she was gay?" you ask yourself, barely mustering the interest. No, no she hadn't, but now she has. Or, more accurately, Robin Roberts publicly acknowledged that she has a "longtime girlfriend" on Facebook. But seriously, 2013 has been a truly banner year for incredible people coming out in no-big-deal ways and Robin Roberts has just slipped in under the wire. Congratulations, Robin Roberts and also 2013 in general! [Page Six]
Let it be known that though Stevie Nicks might prefer to spend her twilight years doing low-key things like walking in shadow and tracing secret sigils and appearing as herself on American Horror Story, she WILL, every few moons, emerge into daylight and honor the Lord and the Lady by presiding over the most sacred of ceremonies. Specifically she will preside over the marriage of singer Vanessa Carlton to the lead singer of Deer Tick. That's right: Recently, on just a day, just an ordinary day, the former frontwoman of Fleetwood Mac and current grand high witch of Ojai used her inestimable powers for good and helped unite two souls in wedded bliss forevermore. And here she is doing the requisite paperwork! [Vulture]