It's almost Christmas, which means fashion magazines are pumping out holiday gift guides with wild abandon. They are important reads, because companies spent a lot of money sending expensive items to magazines for free, and magazine editors spent a lot of time choosing these items for you to buy (sometimes getting kickbacks!). We've helpfully sifted through the guides to point out the stuff you should absolutely not give to another person.
One (1) truffle, $104. Vogue recommends. The Struthers fresh black water truffle is "the ultimate foodie indulgence. Buy one and shave over mac and cheese." Or feed your children for a week!
The Forgetful Gentleman by Nathan Tan, $14. Glamour recommends. You're supposed to give this to your boyfriend, if he's a "not-so-manly man." The book will show him how to be manlier, so he can "rock a suit like a boss" and "order a proper drink." It may be a great book (we haven't read it). But if you're tempted to give your significant other a manual to become a different person, save yourself the cash and just break up.
A child's "Black Swan" outfit from Bonpoint, $820 total. Marie Claire recommends. First, $820 for any outfit meant to be worn by a child is irresponsible. Children often wet their pants. Second, why should a kid be dressing up as the Black Swan? It's an evil character in Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake and a highly disturbed one in the recent Natalie Portman film. This is not a good idea.
A brass pencil sharpener that looks like Satan from Jonathan Adler, $95. GQ recommends. Aside from the fact that you should never shell out a hundo for an easily-obtained school supply, reasonable people may not want you bringing SATAN into the holidays.
"100 Questions" toolkit from The School of Life, about $32. Vanity Fair recommends. Another passive aggressive gift, this toolkit aims to improve the giftee's conversational skills. It's a box of 100 cards with "great questions" on them. One of them is "What are the best features of middle age?"
A "cat DJ scratching deck," $29.99. Real Simple recommends. This contraption will let your cat "scratch until his heart’s content." But be honest, you wouldn't be buying it for the cat, you'd be buying it for the Cat Vines.
A bamboo keyboard from West Elm, $69. GQ recommends. While this may be the accessory "that'll bring an organic vibe to any desk," we don't think anyone will thank you for it.
Wooden snowshoes from Kaufmann Mercantile, $275. Vanity Fair recommends. Do you need a gift for a fancy mountain man? Or Sarah Palin, perhaps? Otherwise there is no godly reason to buy designer snowshoes.
Time to get shopping! Just for, you know, other things.