Lars Von Trier's sex film finally has a trailer, and of course it's a red-band. But what's so scandalous about said trailer? We've gone and tallied everything up.

One (1) naked lady sitting atop a clothed man's lap.

Three (3) instances of a naked lady in bed.

Two (2) further instances of reportedly unsimulated sex acts.

One (1) nanosecond-long closeup of female genitalia that you probably missed anyway, so don't worry about it.

One (1) instance of fellatio, right there on the screen, for all to see, without any obstructions or anything. Just fellatio, up close and personal. What a world.

One (1) instance of actress Stacy Martin spitting ... you know. Spitting. What "spitting" means in the parlance of our times.

One (1) instance of actor Jamie Bell whipping the nude bottom of (it appears) Charlotte Gainsbourg.

One (1) shoulder shimmy from Shia LaBeouf, who is fully clothed, but ... shoulder shimmying. Not for the children.

One (1) instance of Academy Award-nominated actress Uma Thurman using the phrase "the whoring bed."

One (1) shallow-focus shot of what appears to be a leg with what appears to be sweat (we think) dripping down it.