President Obama has had a pretty rough few days on the foreign policy front. His buddy Angela Merkel, the Chancellor of Germany, had to ring him up to bluntly tell him to stop spying on her. "Awkward," Jon Stewart said. His impression of that incredibly uncomfortable phone call: "'Hey, how are ya, Angela?' 'What do you mean? You know how I am.'"
Secretary of State John Kerry didn't have a much better time. He arrived in France just as a controversy over U.S. policies boiled over there as well. "Oh, what'd we do, France, to cause a controversy?" Stewart asked. "What, did we drink out of the bidet again? What happened, did we call sparkling wine champagne again? We know the difference, we just don't give a shit. Did we make a mockery of your most cherished athletic event by having an American win it seven times in a row through a sophisticated blood doping scheme?" We did do that last one, but France is more upset about the NSA spying on French citizens.
Over forty countries have complained about the National Security Agency's spying program after discovering the agency spied on their internal communications, but maybe they need to get over it. As Stewart put it, America's government isn't doing anything it doesn't doing to its own people. Also, "Nations be spying, yo."
But our strongest defense might be a people in glass houses argument. "All nations act in their own self interest. Don't act like your shit don't stink. It does, and we know, because we have a super secret program that goes through your shit." Stewart said. "France, you don't like our hubris now? You sure didn't mind it when you were handing off the Vietnam War to us. 'Hey, can you guys hold this war for us for just a little bit? We've just got something to do over in Algeria.' And Pakistan, we know that some of those drone strikes were at your request. And by the way, when were you going to tell us that Bin Laden was crashing on your couch? And you, Germany:
"Do I really have to justify myself to a country that invaded Poland because they thought Poland was lookin' at them funny?" Given that it's now 2013, we—along with Angela Merkel— are inclined to say yes. But Stewart asked the nations of the world to not think of us as a paranoid and overly aggressive super power. "Think of us as what anyone's looking for in a good partner," he said. "A good listener."