It has been about five months since the introduction of the cronut which means it's about time that the evil empire that is Starbucks to try and cash in by introducing a focus group-tested hybrid treat of its own. Enter the duffin™,
the destroyer of worlds part donut, part muffin.
"The coffee chain launched the duffin in 730 U.K. stores last Thursday, along with other new baked goods, sandwiches, soups, and salads," Bloomberg reports. It is not clear if any of the other products are also food hybrids.
"The Duffin follows a recent fusion trend of combining two bakery items into one hybrid," Ian Cranna, vice president of marketing and category for Starbucks UK, told Bloomberg. Brits for one reason or another seem to be enjoying partaking in this corporation's fusion "trend."
And that is a travesty. The duffin violates the long-standing fundamentals of breakfast. People are often split between pancakes (unhealthy) and bacon and eggs (unhealthy), or donuts (unhealthy) and croissants (unhealthy). They know they want an unhealthy breakfast, they just don't know which.
But no one is ever split between a donut (unhealthy) or a muffin (healthy). Muffins are supposed to be healthy (see: banana oat or bran) and donuts are not. If you are eating a double chocolate cheesecake muffin, you are just fooling yourself, denying yourself the cupcake you truly want.
Perhaps the most infuriating part of the duffin saga is that the duffin isn't even half donut. The reason they call it a donut is because of its jelly filling. "Is it donut-shaped? No. Deep fried? Not a chance. Seriously, it’s just a jelly-filled muffin," Foodbeast writes. This, folks, is nothing more than a juffin or a bluffin. We would give it more points and respect if it went full hybrid and gave us a donut shape, donut dough, or involved any type of deep-frying or glazing.
Like any food from a giant company (see: McDonald's wings), if the duffin does well enough overseas, then chances are we will see this pastry on American shelves and being ordered alongside frappuccinos (another portmanteau) in no time. And it joins a list of portmanteaus we really didn't ask for, including infamous entries like Beefaroni, gogurt, Appletinis and stoups.
And we're still left with this burning question: when is someone going to give us this pizzaco we truly deserve?