Oof. Yesterday the news somehow leaked that Zac Efron, elfin-faced High School Musical star turned movie star hunk, spent some time in rehab about five months ago. At first various outlets were saying that it was for alcohol abuse, but now it seems that it was actually for cocaine, which he was using pretty heavily while shooting the Seth Rogen comedy Neighbors (originally called Townies). There's also talk of Molly/MDMA and a trashed Las Vegas hotel room. During the Neighbors film shoot, "It was common knowledge he was struggling with cocaine," according to some TMZ source. So, that's sad. But good that he went to rehab and seems to be doing better now. What is he, 25? He should be OK. That's pretty young to seek treatment, so hopefully he was being more proactive than reacting to some rock-bottom moment. Who knows, though. This should probably be all we say about the matter, right? Unless he offers up some information himself, I guess. Anyway, that's the deal with that. Sad story with a tentatively good ending. [TMZ]

OK, let's move on to the actually serious stuff. Did the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge not actually meet the way they have always said they did? Meaning, William and Kate always say that they met at St. Andrews, became pals, then roommates, then loversss. (Not just-the-two-of-them roommates, they lived in a house with a bunch of mates.) But now a new book called Kate: The Future Queen posits that the two actually met several years before, through friends. Hm, OK. But then! Then the story goes that Kate was supposed to go to Edinburgh, not St. Andrews, but at the last minute took a gap year and reapplied to St. Andrews in the hopes of going the next year, which she did. This was after it was announced that Prince William would be a student there. So... Is it possible. Is. It. Possible. That Catherine Middleton, humble heiress to a party supply fortune, deliberately changed the path of her life so it would cross Prince William's? Might that be the case? Has this been engineered all along? Was this always the Middleton plot? And if so, to what end? What is the Middleton family's endgame here? And what will become of this author, who has exposed this shocking truth? "Mother, did you see? Did you see??" Kate hisses into the phone, hiding in an old stone stairwell in the palace. "What do we do?" "Calm down, girl," her mother barks. "You're to be queen one day and you should start acting like it. Call Helmsley. He was in Scotland Yard. He knows how to find people. How to be discreet. He'll... settle the matter and you can return to focusing on what's important. We've the child now. We need only two more things. You must get the scepter and the book by the last moon of this year or all is lost. Do you hear me? All this family has worked for for centuries will have been for nothing, nothing! So get yourself together and take care of this. Honestly, Catherine. I thought you had the stuff for this. It could have been Pippa, you know. We could have chosen Pippa. But we didn't. We chose you. Don't prove us fools." Kate sniffles, nods her head. "Yes, mother. You're right, mother. I'll do as told. I'll call Helmsley and everything will be OK. Thank you, mother. Thank you ever so much." She hangs up the phone, collects herself, and walks back up the stairs, the heavy wood door creaking behind her as he strides, regal again, back into the palace. [Us Weekly]

Another nefarious plot. Russell Simmons and his girlfriend Hana Nitsche recently refused to pay a $5,000 ransom for their dog. They refused not because they are cheapskates but because the family that "rescued" the dog sounded super shady. Like they used a voice-disguiser and wanted a drop location for the money and a separate one to pick up the dog, and they wanted Nitsche to come alone and they said no police. So that is pretty suspicious! But don't worry, Nitsche instead showed up to the house with a private bodyguard service and they stormed in and took the damn dog back. Victory! The family still claims that they were just trying to do the right thing, but c'mon. Just give the dog back and if they give you a reward, all the better. You've done a good thing and gotten some money. But either way, you return the dog. If you want to be good people. That's all. [Page Six]

Oh look. Rashida Jones has a new boyfriend. And he's the most Rashida Jonesy boyfriend imaginable. He's a hunk with nerd glasses who writes comedy. Yup. She is dating Saturday Night Live writer Colin Jost, a fellow Harvard alum, though he graduated in '04 and she graduated in '97. But that's OK. Look at them together. That is what Colin Jost was born to do, to date Rashida Jones. That's all. That was the whole point of Colin Jost. And now he's done. [Us Weekly]

Ha! Jennifer Aniston has a "crust-punk" half-brother! This is what the Daily Mail is very eager to report to you! Jennifer Aniston, tanned beach goddess for the ages, tart lemon-scented American sweetheart, has a 24-year-old half-brother who has crazy hair and gauged ears and has been photographed cavorting, shirtless and tattooed, around Burning Man. The Daily Mail tried to talk to Crust-Punk (his name is AJ) at Burning Man, but all he said was, "It’s been happening since middle school (people asking about Jennifer). It’s been a pain in my ass for years. No comment." When asked if he'd ever talk about it, he said "Never." So, they had to turn to a so-called friend, who said things like "I don't know the whole situation or what the state of the relationship with his family, but I think probably his dad helps him out with money, I just have a feeling." Great friend! Really good friend. Anyway, we should probably leave this guy alone, right? What's he done to deserve tabloid attention beyond being born? Let's let him crust around the desert in peace, his "Down to Cuddle" tattoo just above his privates attracting just the right kind of women, his hair flapping in the wind, goggles on and ready for the day. That's all he wants. [Daily Mail]