Sorry fellas. (And gals, I suppose. It is the '90s.) Scarlett Johansson has plans to take another husband. The bee-stung beauty is engaged to a Frenchman named Romain Dauriac. Dauriac is the former editor of a French art magazine and is now a "creative agency manager," so basically he is a dashing, artsy French man and Scarlett Johansson has decided to marry him because that is what you do when you meet a dashing, artsy Frenchman who is somehow straight. You just marry him. Even if you're on vacation with your husband in Paris and you run out for coffee and croissants in the morning and he hits on you and you have an intense little back-and-forth but come on you're married to Bruce and he's waiting in the hotel room. Even then, you marry the Frenchman. You just gotta. You gotta do it. A great detail from this relationship is that the two are believed to have met "through French tattoo artist Fuzi." Perfect. "How'd you two meet?" "Through French tattoo artist Fuzi." "OK cool, I gotta go." Perfect, you two. Just perfect. I like this couple. I like this upcoming marriage. It's good. Though, someone should go check on Ryan Reynolds. He's had a rough year. [Page Six]

People get married, people have babies. Gwen Stefani is pregnant again! Yes, at 43 years old the singer/fashion designer/Gavin Rossdale marrier is going to have her third child, some lad or lass to join siblings Kingston and Zuma. Yikes. How do you top that? Maybe you don't even try. "Kingston, Zuma. Meet your new brother, Gus." "Zuma! Kingston! Come say hi to baby Sue." "These are my children, Kingston, Zuma, and Arnold." Just go real basic. Throw everyone off. Because if you try to escalate from Kingston and Zuma, where do you go? "Meet my kids, Kingston, Zuma, and Radioshack." "Kingston, Zuma, go get Discotheque ready for supper." It just goes too far. So, keep it simple, Gwen and Gavin. Kingston, Zuma, and Melissa. That's the way to go. [Us Weekly]

Some old lady who's part of the royal family — Prince Phillip's cousin, Pamela Hicks — has badmouthed Princess Diana at Vanity Fair's behest. And what a badmouthing it is! It's mostly about how Diana didn't care about the royal family and was mean to Charles, all stuff we've heard before, but then there's this, which is simply wonderful: "[She] made everybody believe she’d been thrown to the wolves. Such nonsense! She was given the Queen’s favorite lady-in-waiting . . . to help her. But she didn’t want to be told anything. Instead, she wanted to listen to her music and go disco-ing or to some jive concert." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JIVE CONCERT. Well done, Lady Hicks. Well done indeed. I wonder how many jive concerts Princess Di went to and how many she wanted to go to. It must have been a lot of jive concerts if Lady Pamela Hicks remembers them. Jive concerts. That's a short story. "Princess Diana at the Jive Concert." Someone go find Doug Coupland and have him write that damn thing. Thank you, Lady Pamela. Thank you ever so much. [Page Six]

Suri Cruise, daughter of Katie Holmes and a quasar burning far out in space, broke her arm recently. And Us Weekly has now discovered that someone has written the following on her cast: "No butt smacking with this!" Which, I think you'd agree, is a strange thing to write on a small child's cast. Isn't it? Because it implies one of two things. The first: That butt-smacking with a cast is a common thing. As if it's a pretty known thing that when someone has a cast on their arm, they're going to be doing a lot of butt-smacking, because butt-smacking is just what you do when you have a cast. Is this a tradition I'm unaware of because I never broke my arm? It's possible. The second: That Suri Cruise normally does a lot of butt-smacking with her arm but now that she has a cast she can't because it will hurt more. That is one of the possible implications here, that Suri is known for her butt-smacking and someone, whoever wrote this strange message on her arm, was jokingly telling her that while she has the cast, she cannot butt-smack like she normally butt-smacks. Both possibilities are peculiar. There's also the possibility that Suri broke her arm while butt-smacking, hence the butt-smacking warning. Does anyone know the answer? What does this cast message mean? Who is telling Suri she can't butt-smack? And why are they telling her she can't butt-smack? There are, sometimes, too many mysteries in this world. [Us Weekly]

Here are pictures, and some video, of Brad Pitt driving around in a tank in the English countryside. He's learning things for his new WWII tank movie Fury and he seems very happy about it, driving around in the big, heavy vroom-vroom, doin' donuts and whatnot. He's having fun. Brad Pitt was having fun and here are some pictures of that. [Daily Mail]