Apparently cunnilingus causes cancer. That's according to actor Michael Douglas, who isn't as crazy as he sounds, according to science. But don't go using that as an excuse: it's only dangerous for people already suffering from human papillomavirus. 

In an interview promoting Behind the Candlebra with the Guardian's Xan Brooks, Douglas opened up about what he thinks is the source of his stage four throat cancer. The common theory about Douglas's cancer was his years of drinking and smoking. But Douglas says it was all because of oral sex, of course:

"No," he says. "No. Because, without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus."

From what? For a moment I think that I may have misheard.

"From cunnilingus. I mean, I did worry if the stress caused by my son's incarceration didn't help trigger it. But yeah, it's a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer." 

Not satisfied with taking Douglas's claims that oral sex causes cancer at face value, the U.K. paper sought out a perspective from an expert that may shine some light on what exactly he's talking about. "It has been established beyond reasonable doubt that the HPV type 16 is the causative agent in oropharyngeal cancer," Mahesh Kumar, a consultant head and neck surgeon in London, told the Guardian's Catherine Shoard. The paper cites recent studies showing roughly 57 percent of patients with oral cancers were also HPV-16 positive. And it's true: over the last decade, multiple studies have connected oral cancers with HPV infection, particularly among men

In terms of getting healthy once you've been diagnosed with throat cancer, Douglas thinks of himself as an authority in that department.  "And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it," he told the Guardian. But medical experts aren't backing up that claim, unfortunately. "Maybe he thinks that more exposure to the virus will boost his immune system. But medically, that just doesn't make sense," Kumar said. Bummer

So what have we learned? Michael Douglas really likes oral sex. Like, a lot.