Today in celebrity news: Becks has quit footy, Prince Harry leaves one last sexy impression on America, and Gwyneth Paltrow has sold herself on Groupon. 

If you weren't yet feeling old this morning, here's news that David "Becks" Beckham is retiring from professional soccer — "football" to the weirdos in the so-called "rest of the world" — at the ripe old age of 38. Finishing his long career with the Paris Saint-Germain club, Mr. Posh is ending on a high note; PSG just won the French title for the first time in almost twenty years. This is a big deal. Beckham is an international superstar, the Michael Jordan of soccer — if Michael Jordan was a high-voiced prettyboy who was married to a Spice Girl. What will Becks do next? Well, probably follow his wife Victoria on one of her international frowning tours, maybe hang out with his four children (the oldest of whom is 14! Time flies!), and definitely sit in a chair by the window staring out and wondering what the hell he's going to do for the next forty or fifty years. Retiring at 38 seems strange. Doesn't it seem strange? What do you do? I mean are you basically forced to go to various charity events for the rest of your life? No thanks! Charity is boring! He should start a minor league baseball career. That's what he should do. He needs to do something, get him out of the house. Otherwise he's just going to annoy Posh, who has a pretty set daily routine of designing clothes for a few hours and then lying prone on the floor in a semi-dark room and blinking for the rest of the day. He can't disrupt that. So shoo, David. Shoo. Go do something. Go play golf, go work at Trader Joe's, go do something. At home you're just a bother. Sorry, but that's retirement. [Daily Mail]

Speaking of internationally beloved British sex gods, Prince Harry continued to make quite the splash during his stateside tour yesterday. He played his big polo match in Greenwich, and the ladies in attendance were quite smitten. Page Six has a few juicy quotes about his virile polo performance, things like "He was quite strapping" and "You can feel his physicality! All the big bankers, real-estate titans and masters-of-the-universe got just as weak-kneed and unctuous as their female partners around him. Harry was so gracious and patient with everyone." Wait. Unctuous? Is that a real quote? And "female partners"? I do not think that is a real quote. Unless the person being quoted is named Page Six. I've no doubt that everyone, women and men, was basically a chorus of "Hummuna hummuna hummuna" for the duration of the polo match, but I don't think anyone was saying "unctuous" or "female partners." That said, this has truly been a sexy Prince Harry visit, hasn't it? I can't believe it's over. What are we going to do? Who have we got left? Ryan Gosling? Buh. Some old Mickey Mouse Club jerk. We just lost a prince and that's all we've got left. Let's all move to England. [Page Six]

Gwyneth Paltrow, the glimmer of winter light caught in a bottle and then poured into a white pantsuit, has auctioned herself on Groupon to great success. On Tuesday she offered a $2,000 meet-and-greet package, which would have buyers whisked to New York City, put up at a DoubleTree, and brought to a fabulous cooking demonstration by Paltrow herself, who is going to make a delicious meal of cabbage gas and potato whispers. There were spots for sixty devoted Paltrownians and the offer sold out in less than a day. So it's all happening. On June 14, a bunch of Groupon weirdos are going to come to New York City to watch Paltrow hum into empty pots for three hours before saying "Voila!" and then go back to the DoubleTree and wonder just what the hell they're doing with their lives. Also, the last time I saw the phrase "You and a friend are invited to the private goop event" it resulted in a lot of crying, a lot of panic, and many trips to the dry cleaners. Don't take your friend to a goop event. Unless it's the Kids' Choice Awards. Other than that? It's probably not even legal in most states. [Daily Mail]

Destiny's Child band member Kelly Rowland has apparently written a song confessing to being jealous of her old bandmate and pal Beyoncé. You may know Beyoncé from such things as being the most famous lady in the world. So yeah, that Beyoncé went and got as globally huge as she did after leaving Destiny's Child has thrown Rowland a bit, and she sings in her new song "Bird in a cage/You'd never know what I was dealing with/Went our separate ways but I was happy she was killin' it/Bittersweet, she was up, I was down/No lie, I feel good for her but what do I do now?" Tough! The song is called "Dirty Laundry" and it's very honest. Will it be a big Bey-style hit? I do not think so. But, oh well. At least she was truthful and made a little song out of it. That's more than JC Chasez can say, right? That dude just judges dance battle shows and works out at my sister's old gym. Take a lesson from Kelly, JC. Share your truth. [Us Weekly]

The only interesting thing in this non-item about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's prickly divorce proceedings is this: "Her net worth is estimated at $150 million. Ashton's reportedly $10 million behind her." EXCUSE ME? Sorry my monocle just fell off my face and shattered on the ground. Did they just say that Ashton Kutcher is worth $140 million?? That's more than I make in a year! That is absurd. Honestly, downright absurd. Who let Ashton Kutcher make $140 million? Where is the SEC? Seriously, where is the SEC ever? This is a goddamned outrage. One hundred and forty million dollars. Ashton Kutcher. Incorrect, world. Poorly done, planet. That is not supposed to happen. Ashton Kutcher should be worth about $12,000 and a condo near the airport. In a just world that's what Ashton Kutcher would have. But we don't live in that nice place. We live here, where Ashton Kutcher has made $140 million, largely as the heir to the Popchips fortune. What a thing. What a terrible, terrible thing. [TMZ]