If you're relentlessly hounded by gossip magazines and paparazzi, who can truly understand your plight? Someone else who is relentlessly hounded by gossip magazines and paparazzi. And thus we have the coming together of Lindsay Lohan and Kristen Stewart, two young actresses whom people love to pay attention to. People like me, I guess! So yeah, Page Six says that Lindsay was invited up to Kristen's house after meeting through a friend so she went and hung out with Kiki and Robert Pattinson. What'd they talk about? Oh, you know, career and fame and all that. Lindsay probably also asked her a couple sneaky questions like, "So I heard you're not playing Snow White again... Do you know if they're recasting, or...?" Or maybe something more like, "What's it like to have money?" So that's nice for them, isn't it? I'm sure it's nice to find someone to whom you can relate, who really gets what it's like to be, well, what you're like. I hope they had a nice time. Meanwhile, this is the absolute funniest line in the Page Six item: "Lohan, who's refusing to go to court-ordered rehab until after Coachella..." Hahaha. Good grief. I'm glad she's taking her legal issues so seriously. "Your honor I am deeply sorry for constantly endangering myself and others while driving. I promise to check myself into a rehab that doesn't exist, after my rock music festival of course." Glad the legal system has been so diligent in making sure this creature learns the error of her ways. "Refusing" "court-ordered" "until after Coachella." Lindsay is more powerful than the courts! To Coachella! [Page Six]

Poor Amanda Bynes, who's going through a bit of phase right now, was spotted walking around Times Square on Tuesday in something of a strange outfit. Weird skirt, weird shirt, weird shoes and socks combination, big puffy jacket with furry hood. So, oh well. At least she was dressed. But then she was photographed leaving a McDonald's restaurant with a shirt over her head, and now Us Weekly is all ohh she's wearing a shirt on her head she's crazy, and talking to some lame witness who said it looked like she was "pretending to be a ghost" and was "walking into things because she couldn't see." Whoaaaa. Why would she be wearing a shirt on her head?? Could it be that she didn't want to be in the very photographs that ended up in Us Weekly?? Nah, that couldn't be it, she's a loony loon who's a big goof. What a weirdo. [Us Weekly]

Ha. Speaking of kooks, Maria Shriver is the weirdo of her block. Apparently her neighbors are all pissy because she won't take down her Christmas lights even though it's almost April. Every night these damn things come on and people are fed up. But no one's said anything to her, of course. They're just bitching about it when she's not around and, apparently, talking to TMZ about it. That could work, though. A good public TMZ shaming. I mean this is the era we live in. If you have a famous neighbor and their dog keeps barking or they have a rusted out old Oldsmobile on their front lawn or their teen son keeps staring creepily at neighbor girls through the bushes, you don't say anything directly, no sir. You just whisper something to TMZ and they'll take care of the rest. It's a handy service, I'd imagine. I bet you those lights will be down in no time. And Patrick will not be seen in the bushes ever again. Thanks, TMZ. [TMZ]

With his current tour of duty with the Search and Rescue Force coming to an end this summer, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge and Lord of the Horses, will be putting in his notice with the squad and moving on to new things. He's been flying helicopters on rescue missions in the Irish Sea and elsewhere for a few years now, but now it's time to move on. He's got a baby on the way, and anyway SAR is being privatized and will soon be run by some Texan company, and who wants to work for that. No, it's time to do other things, perhaps in the military, perhaps not. Really, William could do whatever he wants. Hoof it in a show on the London stage. Drive a cab around the East End. Loll about some Indian pleasure palace, attended to by courtesans and hashish purveyors. Become one of those creepy royals of old who orders his servants and guards to do strange sexual things or has people dig up corpses so he can... do things... to the bodies, eventually being strung up by the peasants and burned as a devil. Really he can do whatever he wants! It's important for him to know that he has options. He could even choose to do nothing but go to charity events and fundraisers and do various tours and gladhand and live in a palace with his wife and kid. Who knows. [Us Weekly]

One Direction's Irish rogue Niall Horan was the best man at his brother's wedding in Castletown Geoghegan, County Westmeath yesterday, looking very dapper in his wedding suit, driving his brother to the service and standing dutifully next to him at the altar. Very nice brotherly thing to do. Nice and normal, too, for a kid who spends most of his time being the screamed-at object of sexual awakening for a whole grubby planet's worth of teenage girls and boys. Glad the family was able to do something sorta regular. Except, well, of course there were photographers everywhere weren't there, not wedding photographers mind you, and there were tons fans who showed up to see Niall. Oh how nice for Niall's brother and his bride on their special day, to have a bunch of dweebs in training bras wailing for the kid brother all day. There's even a photo of a group of these girls, posing triumphantly in their terrible teen clothes. Come on, girls. If you're going to bother someone at their wedding just to catch a glimpse of his brother, at least dress up, huh? Like have a little respect. Who are these parents that let their kids go screaming outside some stranger's wedding? "The hell ye are!" I'd expect any good Irish parent to say when told what's what. It'd be out in the fields rootin' around for potatoes in no time for those kids if their parents had any sense in 'em. Ah well. I'm sure it was a nice wedding anyway. [Daily Mail]

Remember the billionaire guy Steven A. Cohen who just bought a $155 million Picasso painting like right after his hedge fund paid the government $600 million in an insider trading settlement? Well, not but  a few days later he's purchased himself a $60 million mansion in the Hamptons. Yeah. It was on sale for a day before he snapped it up. So, hah, he's just waving his money around, isn't he? Sucks to be you, government! He's still rich, biatch! Sweet new Picasso painting and a $60 million mansion. Hell, at $60 million that thing is a damn castle. Dude's just buying precious artwork and castles and he doesn't care who knows. Well, OK, he kinda tried to keep the painting sale a secret, but whatever. He had to know people would find out. And he really don't care. America! [Page Six]