Well, that's it folks! I'll be back in a little bit with a little post-mortem of this long, long, longggg show (update: here it is!), but all these really important observations will remain here in perpetuity. Thanks for watching with us! (Oh, and here are the winners.)
12:01 - It's all about who lost. Nice snide way of ending a really grating hosting gig, Seth!
12:00 - IT'S NOT OVER FOLKS, THERE'S A SONG.
11:59 - Ben Affleck all choked up is, gulp, a little affecting.
11:55 - Argo wins Best Picture, announced by Michelle Obama. Sorta makes up for the directing snub.
11:54 - Nice speech about the arts from FLOTUS.
11:53 - SURPRISE MICHELLE OBAMA APPEARANCE VIA SATELLITE
11:52 - Jack Nicholson comes out on stage doing calisthenics.
11:50 - When you're winning your third Oscar, you can just joke around on stage.
11:48 - Biggest duh of the night, Daniel Day-Lewis wins for Best Actor. First actor to win three Oscars in the lead category.
11:46 - Meryl Streep gets raucous applause everywhere she goes.
11:44 - Short and sweet speech from Jennifer Lawrence.
11:43 - Jennifer Lawrence wins Best Actress for Silver Linings Playbook, falls down on the way to the stage. Oh well!
11:42 - Come on, Emmanuelle Riva!
11:38 - One way to make a show shorter? Cut down on the jokes about it being long.
11:34 - Ang Lee wins Best Director for the visually stunning Life of Pi. That seems half fair. He made a very pretty and complicated thing, but its message ultimately didn't really connect. Benh Zeitlin did both. So did Michael Haneke.
11:32 - Now Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas will present us with Best Director. Fonda's dress is weirdly my favorite? She looks like one of She-Ra's friends.
11:26 - And Quentin Tarantino wins for Best Original Screenplay. In my opinion, a mistake. If he was going to win for a second movie, it should have been Kill Bill Volume 2. At least we got to find out that he and Charlize Theron are neighbors!
11:24 - Chris Terrio wins Best Adapted Screenplay for Argo. And for being handsome and looking vaguely like Johnny Lee Miller.
11:23 - Charlize Theron and Dustin Hoffman looking silly while presenting the screenplay awards.
11:21 - While we wait for that to happen, here's Anne Hathaway with her new best friend.
11:20 - OK, we're rounding the bend. Just the big awards left, right? How many more opportunities will Seth MacFarlane have to derail the show?
11:19 - Anne Hathaway should take sincere modesty lessons from Adele.
11:16 - 'oly 'ell, Adele just won a sodding Oscar.
11:14 - But first, Norah Jones singing a song from goddamned Ted.
11:12 - Will Adele win an Oscar???
11:10 - Life of Pi's beautiful score wins Best Score. Mychael Danna is a genius.
11:08 - Seth MacFarlane brings us back down to earth with back-to-back jokes about Adele's weight (couched in a criticism of Rex Reed's review of Identity Thief) and about the Oscars being gay. Well done as always, dude.
11:03 - This is pure, perfect Oscars. Unabashed schmaltz. This should be the Oscars always. Corny and golden.
11:01 - Oh my! Here is Barbra Streisand, come to sing "Memories" and make everyone's gay uncles pass out with joy.
10:57 - George Clooney's soothing voice eases us into the In Memoriam reel.
10:57 - Pan of the theater shows that it's pretty f-cking enormous.
10:53 - The humanitarians get the worst seats in the house.
10:51 - Humanitarian awards?? Booooring. Who cares about helping people.
10:50 - Salma Hayek married a billionaire and she is thrilled about it.
10:49 - Lincoln wins for Production Design. Surprising! Maybe this guy can help fix Kristen Stewart's look?
10:47 - Was Kristen Stewart just having sex backstage?
10:45 - Have we ever figured out that Amber Tamblyn in the window in Django thing?
10:45 - Haha, Christoph Waltz with his Oscar on his lap. They don't even give you a little velvet bag to carry it in?
10:44 - Nicole Kidman will not accept clapping!
10:41 - Gawker movie guy and all-around talent Rich Juzwiak has made this important GIF.
10:37 - Adele dances like a backup singer. You're the main act, lady!
10:36 - Adele here to sing "Skyfall." It would be funny if she sang "All That Jazz" instead and said "There, now it's actually been sung."
10:35 - Jennifer Lawrence's dress looks a little bit like heavy hotel curtains, I'm afraid.
10:33 - Argo wins Best Editing, an important category that few people really understand. What we do know is that Editing and Best Picture usually go hand in hand...
10:31 - Seth MacFarlane just made a "coeds" joke. In 2013.
10:30 - The sad thing is, Academy, no one actually cares about the Academy. It's your show, but still.
10:27 - The most dreaded moment of the night has passed. So now we wait for what? I guess an answer to the mysterious Best Actress race and a nice speech from Daniel Day-Lewis. Oh and more musical performances. :(
10:25 - Well that could have been a lot worse! The thing about "the misfortunes of Fantine" was a silly attempt to make Les Miz a message movie, but whatever. It was short and mostly just a list of names, so thank god for that. She probably got coached, right?
10:23 - "It came true," she squeaks.
10:22 - Anne Hathaway wins Best Supporting Actress. And here comes the much dreaded speech.
10:20 - Sound of Music bit is over, now it's time for the real deal. Make it quick, Plummer.
10:19 - But of course there has to be a bit first.
10:18 - OH GOD HERE COMES BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
10:17 - Both the winner for Zero Dark Thirty and one of the winners for Skyfall are men with long, wild hair. Is this is a sound editing thing?
10:15 - A TIE!! they found a way to make Sound Editing exciting!
10:14 - Some really fresh "Hollywood is full of Jewish people" jokes from the talking teddy bear.
10:12 - Les Miz wins Best Sound Mixing. We can all go to bed now!
10:11 - And now a bit. Great. We love bits! Especially Seth MacFarlane bits.
10:11 - Ew. Gross faux humility about Ted from our esteemed host.
10:10 - Kristin Chenoweth LOVED the Les Miz performance.
10:08 - Whoa Chris Pine! Little hard on the tanning, eh buddy.
10:06 - We're getting close to the big Anne Hathaway-wins-an-Oscar thing, guys. Are you nervous? I might pour myself a glass of wine.
10:04 - This actually sounds terrible?
10:02 - Eddie Redmayne should be the host of everything.
10:02 - Jennifer Aniston not digging Travolta's musicals introduction.
10:00 - And here comes Les Miserables. Speaking of misery, it's already ten o'clock.
9:58 - It does seem a little strange to be saluting a movie that came out only six and a half years ago. But, y'know, they have to make the show four hours for the advertisers, so here's J.Hud.
9:57 - Oh lord, here's Jennifer Hudson to sing Jennifer Holiday's song.
9:55 - Can't tell if Zeta-Jones is singing live. Probably not?
9:54 - I'm actually weirdly excited about this salute to movie musicals?
9:54 - Actors saying Les Miserables is absolutely the highlight of the night. John Travolta wins so far.
9:53 Here comes John Travolta to weird things up!
9:52 - He sounds like Austrian Alan Rickman.
9:50 - Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain presenting Best Foreign Language film. Ohhh Michaele Haneke is gonna have to say stuff guys!!
9:45 - Boy the Jaws play-off music is really obnoxious isn't it?
9:44 - As expected, Searching for Sugar Man wins Best Documentary. Where is Rodriguez??
9:43 - No, Seth, it's not too soon, it's just a very bad joke.
9:41 - Seth MacFarlane's Lincoln joke goes down hard. Who are the ad wizards that came up with this one?
9:38 - The guy who was originally supposed to play Lincoln introduces Lincoln.
9:35 - Inocente wins Best Documentary Short. One woman can't get up the stairs in her dress. When will the hardship end??
9:33 - Curfew wins Best Live Action Short. And look how young and handsome the filmmaker is! That's probably why it won, right?
9:32 - Man are actors terrible at reading teleprompters.
9:28 - While it's a commercial, why not take a look at a detailed compendium of all the night's fashion?
9:27 - Glad we got that important shot of Reese Witherspoon reacting to Shirley Bassey.
9:25 - DAME SHIRLEY BASSEY is Maya Rudolph's best character yet.
9:24 - This is already too long.
9:22 - Here comes the dreaded salute to James Bond. I know that Skyfall was big and that it's been a nice, even 50 years, but doesn't this feel a bit arbitrary? "Let's make the show even longer by adding in some random tribute to a bunch of movies!'
9:21 - Aniston gets to say it as Les Misérables wins Hair & Makeup. Deservedly so, for Eddie Redmayne's coif alone.
9:19 - Channing Tatum should say "les miserables" more often.
9:17 - As predicted, Anna Karenina takes the costume prize. That's really all the movie was, after all. Pretty costume after pretty costume.
9:16 - Jennifer Aniston and Channing Tatum showing a little chemistry as they present Costume Design.
9:13 - Tommy Lee Jones's reaction so far.
9:11 - Hahaha, great Jaws playoff music gag during that guy's big moment.
9:10 - Life of Pi continues its sure-to-be strong technical night in the Visual Effects category.
9:09 - This whole Avengers dudes banter thing is from the Ocean's 12 school of thinking that rich celebrities goofing off together is America's favorite thing.
9:08 - The Life of Pi cinematographer clearly had the best hair of the evening.
9:07 - NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Life of Pi gets the prize. Deakins robbed again.
9:06 - They're actually announcing Cinematography. Will Roger Deakins finally prevail????
9:05 - And now a salute to how much money The Avengers made!
9:03 - OK, I guess she was just introducing three? Fair enough. Actually moving things along!
9:01 - Wait, did Reese Witherspoon just introduce all the Best Picture nominees?
8:59 - Oddly enough considering it's a Pixar movie, Brave is something of an upset in Best Animated Feature. Lots of people, including me, had Wreck-It Ralph taking the prize.
8:57 - Everyone's favorite category, Best Animated Short, goes to Paperman, which was actually something of a viral hit. If my Facebook feed is any indication, at least.
8:56 - Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy both looking a little crazy in the hair department.
8:55 - And Sally Field and Seth MacFarlane kissing.
8:54 - Here's Charlize Theron accidentally mimicking everyone's reaction to the neverending opening.
8:52 - Annnd we're already at a commercial break. Can't wait to hear more vague things about Red Widow!
8:50 - And Christoph Waltz wins for the second time in three years. OK, sure, that's fine.
8:47 - Octavia Spencer is here to present Best Supporting Actor. Probably the least cared-about major category of the year? All old dudes who've won before.
8:46 - MacFarlane seems to think that joking about the show being long is better than trying to make the show short.
8:43 - Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome two actors who can't really sing that well.
8:42 - This is very long and unwieldy. Why are we watching so many videos? Samuel L. Jackson does not look pleased.
8:40 - Whoa Charlize Theron can actually dance sort of?
8:39 - The biggest joke of the night is that Seth MacFarlane is gay. Audience goes crazy. Hahah, gay.
8:36 - William Shatner is in a Star Trek costume on the Oscars in 2013.
8:34 - Chris Brown and Mel Gibson jokes! Terrific!
8:32 - Seth MacFarlane is way more subdued than expected. He hasn't done Peter Griffin once yet!
8:31 - Robert Downey Jr. did not clap for MacFarlane.
8:30 - Here we go, jerks!
8:26 - Thank god this red carpet special is over. What a nightmare. Queen Latifah practically ran away from them.
8:23 - Renee Zellweger!!! Where has she been for the better part of a decade?
8:18 - The big loser tonight is Kristin Chenoweth's management team.
8:14 - Of course Anne Hathaway won the box guessing game. This whole thing is rigged, it's all a sham.
8:09 - It's been fun watching celebrities pretend that they're excited about Seth MacFarlane's opening bit. Or about Seth MacFarlane in general.
8:07 - Ack!! Crazy sound problems on ABC. Echoing Sandra Bullock, the disembodied voice of Kristin Chenoweth!
8:05 - It is so strange that people sit in bleachers for hours to watch celebrities walk into a building.
8:01 - Jennifer Aniston always seems so bored to be wherever she is.
7:56 - I must say, I'm not particularly blown away by anyone's Oscars outfit. Maybe Bradley Cooper's mom. But that's it. Everyone else is a snooze. Where's Cate Blanchett when you need her?
7:53 - I think Jonathan Lipnicki is in the box.
7:50 - Hugh Jackman's wife does not seem amused by Chenoweth's heavy flirting.
7:43 - Ugh, ABC's red carpet coverage is so boringggg. Come on, let E! back on, guys.
7:38 - Meanwhile on ABC, Bradley Cooper just helped Kristin Chenoweth put her shoes back on.
7:36 - Giuliana Rancic just said "mama" in a creepy baby voice. What a surreal network E! is.
7:34 - Just FYI.
Starting now, ABC has exclusive TV rights to the #Oscars red carpet. That's why E! and CNN have cut away from it.— Brian Stelter (@brianstelter) February 25, 2013
7:30 - The worst thing about E!'s red carpet coverage used to be how awkward Giuliana Rancic is, but now it's definitely Kelly Osbourne's hammy gasping over everyone's dresses.
7:23 - Channing Tatum's face says it all.
7:20 - I love that they keep mentioning Reese Witherspoon's super embarrassing letter to Naomi Watts.
7:16 - It takes Christoph Waltz forty-five minutes to order at restaurants.
7:13 - Catherine Zeta-Jones is dressed as a Golden Globe.
7:11 - Ryan Seacrest is interviewing Jennifer Hudson right now. Somewhere Paula Abdul eats another piece of pizza.
7:07 - Although ABC does have Kelly Rowland and Kristin Chenoweth...
7:04 - The show doesn't start until 8:30, folks. Meaning we've got miles of red carpet to go. I'm watching E! right now. ABC is also doing a special, but ABC doesn't have the strange ghouls that are E! correspondents.
7:00 PM EST - Hello and welcome! I'll be here all night giving you moment-by-moment coverage of the world's most important evening. Settle in and stay a while!