Today in celebrity news: The girl who threw a shoe at Harry Styles's crotch comes forward, Perez Hilton has a baby now, and Prince William rescued two people in one day.

Yesterday we saw a video of boy band sensation One Direction performing in Glasgow, Scotland,  watching in horror as a shoe came flying out of the crowd and into beloved baritone Harry Styles's groin. Yes, he took a teen's shoe straight to the crown jewels, doubling over in (mock) pain while the audience cheered cruelly. It was a terrible sight, something better suited to Faces of Death than YouTube, and now the nefarious shoe-thrower has revealed herself to face punishment. She's a 14-year-old girl from a Glasgow suburb who has issued her confession on Twitter, writing "tonight i threw my shoe and it hit harry in the balls then security came and took me out the concert then i got my shoe back hahahaha." Chilling. Utterly chilling. It seems that Harry himself, ever magnanimous, told security to let her back in so she could enjoy the rest of the concert. The lass now has a couple thousand Twitter followers and will probably never wash that shoe again. (Not that teens wash their shoes on a regular basis, but y'know. She'll never wear it in the rain. Which means she'll never wear it, because it's Scotland.) Meanwhile, the state of Harry's "balls" as she so crudely called them — her 1D obsession has turned to irrational acts of violence, a troubling sign — is known only to Harry himself and some bird named Gwen he met round the pub. [E!]

I don't want you to freak out or anything but Perez Hilton has a baby. Now, now, come on, stop shrieking, it's OK, it's OK, it's going to be OK. But yes, Perez Hilton, one-time acid queen of Internet celebrity gossip, has, at 34, welcomed his first child into the world. No one knows the details of where the child came from, which of course leads us to believe that Perez is an autogamous organism that needs no partner to reproduce. Hilton posted a photo of himself cradling the child on his website, drawing MS paint coke lines and, uh, other stuff on the baby's face. No, of course he didn't do that. He doesn't do that anymore. The photo is simply a classic Madonna and child, the babe suckling at Hilton's teat, Hilton gazing down with hushed wonder. Congratulations to the new father, and may god have mercy on all our souls. [Daily Mail]

Oh, lord, here we go again. Nick Gruber, Page Six's favorite boy toy, has gotten into some kind of argument with the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood. Gruber, the former porn actor and kept lover of Calvin Klein, showed up at the swanky hotel/restaurant/bar and demanded a hamburger at 1:30 AM on Tuesday. Unfortunately the kitchen was closed and Gruber was told as much, sending him into a rage. A security guard came over — you gotta have tight security at the Chateau Marmont, man — and Gruber scuffled with him, until the security guard (allegedly) head-butted him, causing an all-out fight. Gruber then called the police, saying that the security guard had bruised his hand, which... What about your head, Nick??? The one that got head-butted?? Jesus Christmas is this kid a trip. Anyway, he's now suing the Chateau Marmont, which officially means it's time for him to leave Los Angeles. Yup. The two sure-fire ways to tell if you've been in L.A. too long are: you've cried at an Urth Caffé and you're suing the Chateau Marmont. If you've done or are currently doing either of those things, you need to go home, put everything in boxes, and get on a plane to somewhere else. Doesn't matter where, just somewhere else. Well, not to San Francisco. Or Seattle. Actually, leave the west coast entirely. Move to Denver. That's where lost things go, isn't it? [Page Six]

While his little bachelor brother Harry does charity work in Africa, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, is busy flying his whirly-copters everywhere, saving commoners from themselves. In fact he just rescued a stranded pair of lowborn late on Tuesday night, a pair of walkers who got stranded in Snowdonia. Yes, Snowdonia. In North Wales. So, we're glad that William showed his prowess as a pilot and that the rescued people are safe, but Kate should be a little concerned. What if Frostina, winter princess of Snowdonia, caught sight of William? She might try to take him for a husband, luring him back to her ice palace and freezing him there for all eternity. It's something to be concerned about. I mean we're talking about Snowdonia here. Snowdonia is a dangerous, and apparently real, place. [Us Weekly]

Though actress Jessica Chastain came up short at the Oscars last Sunday, she's apparently doing fine. In fact she might be in love. She's supposedly been seeing a guy for about six months, and they were seen having dinner together at Asia De Cuba at the Mondrian on Monday night. The fellow's name? Well, that's the best part. His name is Gian Luca Passi de Preposulo. Yes. Gian Luca Passi de Preposulo. Obviously he's Swedish. No! Come on, he's Italian. Very Italian. So Italian they had to give him a couple extra Italian names just to encompass his full Italianness. His family has been Italian nobility for a thousand years! Really, an actual thousand years. And now he works in fashion to some extent, likely shaming his ancestors. Anyway, the point is that he and Chastain are super into each other and it may be serious. Jessica de Preposulo has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Or, Gian Luca Passi de Chastain? [Page Six]

Did Mary-Louise Parker call an antique shop owner a "f-g" and then threaten to have him killed recently? He says yes, she says no. I'll repeat the question: Did Mary-Louise Parker, actress, call the owner of an antique store in Saugerties, New York, a f-g and then threaten to have him killed? Every person needs to decide for themselves what they think the answer is, so take your time. But just know that that is a question currently up for debate. Whether Mary-Louise Parker, star of Fried Green Tomatoes, threatened to have an antiques guy murdered and called him a f-g. Because an antique show owner says that she did. That Mary-Louise Parker did those things. To an antiques guy. In Saugerties. Mary-Louise Parker. [TMZ]

Just in case you were worried that there was no more eccentric old New York high society still roaming the streets, take heart: super villain Anthony Marshall, who defrauded his mother Brooke Astor out of $60 million, appeared at an event celebrating the construction of Titanic II — yes, Titanic II — wearing the million-dollar watch of his mother's father-in-law, John Jacob Astor IV, who drowned on the original Titanic... while wearing that watch. Yes, a cruel greedy millionaire showed up in a wheelchair to a celebration for Titanic II wearing a watch found on the corpse of a Titanic passenger. That's actually a thing that happened, in New York City, in 2013. So things are still pretty weird. You needn't have worried. [Page Six]