Today in celebrity gossip: CAA's seedy party at the Sundance Film Festival has tongues wagging, Taylor Swift heads to London, and Lindsay Lohan says no to reality TV. 

Though it's not meant to be a staid or conservative affair, the Sundance Film Festival is typically not thought of as a place for seediness. And yet that's what some partygoers encountered when they went to mega-agency CAA's big bash on Sunday night. Yesterday The Hollywood Reporter reported that guests were scandalized by "pole-shimmying, barely-dressed burlesque dancers," one of whom was seen "dancing with a strap-on penis, which sources say she used during an extended routine." Further causing monocles to shatter was the moment when "two dancers also performed what was described by a source as a simulated sex act on a bed in the party space." Yowsers! In Utah?? I just assumed people would wink out of existence if they tried anything like that in Utah, plucked into space by the angel Moroni. But, apparently not. Page Six was at the same party and reports that Nicole Kidman said "I think I prefer it out here" while standing outside. People also complained on Twitter. In response, a rep from CAA told THR that "the performance ... was more explicit than intended," adding "We regret if this created an uncomfortable setting for any of our guests." But then! Then Deadline got in the game, posting about THR's story only to add an all-important update: "UPDATE: Nikki Finke, who’s ill, reports that CAA is not apologetic for the party." So somehow Nikki Finke, who again is ill (amongst other things), has inside info that, despite some rep telling THR that they regret if they freaked out any squares, they don't actually give an F about the strap-on-wearing pole dancers or the simulated sex act. Nicole Kidman can stay outside all night if she wants to! Those Twitter haters can go suck a lemon. CAA had its mountaintop bacchanal and they're making no apologies for that. So says someone typing for Nikki Finke, anyway. I mean who really cares if, as Page Six reports, there was "a woman in lingerie atop a costumed man in a saddle who licked and bit guests"? You're telling me actors and other Hollywood types don't want to be licked and bit by a strange circus man? That's basically their job. Everyone cool out. Let your hair down. It's Sundance. Grab a strap-on and join the party. [The Hollywood Reporter; Deadline; Page Six]

Elsewhere at Sundance, heir turned media mogul Jay Penske, who owns the aforementioned Deadline and Hollywood Life and recently bought Variety, made it public that he is engaged to model and Almay spokeswoman Elaine Irwin. At 43, she is 9 years Penske's senior, and has two teenage children with her ex-husband, rock 'n' roller John Mellencamp. So yeah, the guy who owns Deadline is going to be the stepfather of Speck and Hud Mellencamp. (Their names are Speck and Hud.) How about that. [Us Weekly]

Tennessee song sorceress Taylor Swift is currently in London, and E! is suggesting that maybe she's there partly to get back together with Harry Styles. See, he's in town too with a couple of days of, so... Yeah, it's a bit of a stretch, but oh well, people can dream. E!'s source describes the scene of Swift's arrival in the ancient city: "Once she disembarked, she was met by a bodyguard and a driver who took her straight into a central London. ... She seemed excited to be here. She was heard saying how pretty London looked (it's covered in snow at the moment)." Ah, just picture it. Taylor in some sort of '50s-style dress and perfect peacoat, staring out the car window at the snow-covered streets of old Londontowne. "It's so pretty..." she murmurs, some sort of new song beginning to write itself in her head. "Hey Harry, I'm in your city / It sure is cold but the snow is pretty." This is Joni Mitchell in Paris. Alanis Morissette in India. This is where the magic begins. [E!]

Here's a People photo gallery that includes a look at Michelle Obama's Inauguration Ball gown, designed by Jason Wu. There are also photos of Katy Perry and John Mayer at the inauguration (why? Why??), and John Legend, because he goes to all of these things always. It's his job now, basically. Then the slideshow devolves into mere paparazzi snaps of celebrities, but at least there's some inauguration stuff. The Washington Post has assembled a page of Tweets and pics about all of last night's parties, but there's really nothing all that exciting. I guess all the cool people were at Sundance. Or in London, writing wistful ballads about boy band members. ("Had a love as tall as the London Eye / snow began to fall as we said goodbye." Something about snow. It's snowy there, see.) Ah well. Hollywood for ugly people has fun in its own way, I suppose. [People; The Washington Post]

Lindsay Lohan has allegedly turned down a big half-a-million-dollar offer from Dancing with the Stars. Obviously Lohan still has money woes and back tax issues, but to her credit she does not want to stoop to reality television, and she's sticking to her guns. No to you, Tom Bergeron. Be gone, accursed mirror ball trophy. Lindsay Lohan wants nothing to do with any of it. Of course she'll probably be locked up in the IRS's fortified island keep pretty soon if she doesn't pay them what she owes them, but at least she'll have her principles. Her rock-solid, never-wavering principles. [TMZ]

Chris Brown, singer and troubled love of Rihanna, has been SWAT-ed. That's when cruel internet pranksters make a phone call to the police and make up a threat, resulting in a SWAT team descending on a house. It's super dangerous, as someone could easily get killed, but of course that doesn't stop people from doing it. But Brown wasn't home, so the whole thing was for naught. Better luck next time, trolls. Actually, wait, no. Not better luck. Chris Brown seems like a jerk, but come on. [TMZ]

Hey look, Michelle Kwan got married in Providence over the weekend. Yes, Providence, Rhode Island, at the Hope Club. Or that's where the reception was, anyway. Kwan, the glorious figure skater cruelly robbed of Olympic gold twice, wore a Vera Wang dress. Her husband is a White House National Security staff member and senator's grandson named Clay Pell. Presumably they met while Kwan did work as "a public policy envoy with the Department of State," which basically means she travels around the world and tells people about figure skating and makes America look good. Anyway, that's nice. Good for them. [Us Weekly]