Yet another one of those silly petitions has popped up in the White House's online "We the People" suggestion box, though this one — unlike, say, the Piers Morgan thing or something about some prisoner held without rights for 150 days — has actual entertainment value. You see, the people now want a Joe Biden reality show. Yes! The petition reads, in part: "Vice President Joe Biden has a demonstrated ability to bring people together, whether at the negotiating table or at the neighborhood diner. We, therefore, urge the Obama Administration to authorize the production of a recurring C-SPAN television program featuring the daily activities and interactions of the Vice President." What an incredible idea! The petition goes on to say that Biden should be seen with foreign dignitaries and politicians and blah blah blah. Boring. He should have a reality show, but it shouldn't be political. What should it be about? Let's make some pitches.
Cookin' With Gas with Joe Biden
What better way for our vice president to win our hearts but through our stomachs? In each episode, VP Biden cooks up another slammin' recipe. Whether's it's Big F-ckin' Dorito-Lime Pizza or "Sorry, Jill Baby" Makeup Chili, Chef Biden will satisfy your hunger for awesome eats. Like a more erudite Guy Fieri, Smokin' Joe will easily endear himself to grub-lovin' people across the nation. You gotta try his Amtrak Club Car Cheese-Torpedos!
Joe Biden: Ghost Hunter
In every episode of this spooky series, Joe Biden goes looking for ghosts. "They got a lotta real old buildings here in Washington," he'll explain of places rife with ghost activity. Mostly he'll bumble around in the dark, banging his knees on the furniture and yelling, "Goddang it!" while mistaking various congressional aides for ghosts. Highlights will include Joe spotting John Boehner and proclaiming, "Ack, a ghoul! Naw, JB, I'm just yankin' yer chain," then sneaking up behind sleeping senators and yelling, "Boo!" A special Christmas episode will feature Joe learning important life lessons from three ghosts, who are actually just various lobbyists wearing sheets with eyeholes cut out.
Diamond Joe's Congressional Makeover
Does anyone dress worse than stuffy old Beltway types? Joe Biden doesn't think so, so he's taken on the task of getting politicians spiffed up. Every episode Joe will sneak into the house of a member of congress and, What Not to Wear-style, throw out all their stuff. Only this is a surprise makeover show, so we'll get to see the legislators react to the big reveal that their closets are now filled with Hawaiian shirts, Panama hats, and "loose trousers for kicking back." For the gals it'll be "teeny weeny bikinis" and vaguely stained oversized T-shirts that say things like "Queen of My Castle" and "I'm With Stupid" on them. These once dumpy, now stylin' lawmakers won't know what hit 'em!
Just in time for the 2016 presidential election, this show will feature Joe putting the various candidates through a series of difficult challenges to determine who will become the next commander in chief. Dressed like Uncle Sam the whole time, Joe will use trademark catchphrases like "I want YOU" for contestants who've made the cut and "You're vetoed!" for those who haven't. Challenges will include drafting legislation, speaking to constituents, and dressing up like hobos and wandering around Georgetown for some reason.
Joe Biden's Washington Whammies
Like The Soup, Tosh.0, or any other clip show, Washington Whammies will feature our vice president highlighting some of the best of the wackiest bloopers and blunders from the week in Washington. There will be some silly sketches, a lot of cheering from the crew, and the Biden Bit of the Week, when the veep self-effacingly skewers one of his own blunders, like calling the president of Japan "Short Round" or accidentally making the crack in the Washington Monument bigger by hitting it with an errant kickball.