Today in celebrity gossip: America's most hated couple has headed to England, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez might be over, and Naomi Campbell was mugged.
Hello, welcome to 2013. Obviously we all have robot sex butlers now and fly to work on aeroscooters, but some things haven't changed since the old days. For example, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt still continue to function as nominal human beings. Yes, though we thought we sealed the two villains from MTV's The Hills into carbonite some years ago, they have either escaped or we never actually did that, because they are now appearing on the United Kingdom's version of Celebrity Big Brother. Yes, shockingly the U.K. still has a Celebrity Big Brother and Heidi and Spencer, or "Speidi" as your annoying aunt still calls them, are still considered "celebrities," by this show's standards anyway. They started the show yesterday, competing as a "single entity," because that must feel good for them, and have already been sent to live in the basement. They're on the show with some British soap actors, a football player, a model, and a guy who stars on a show called Beaver Falls and has this haircut. So they'll probably fit right in, if they ever get out of the basement, that is. And that's that, folks. Hey, at least they're overseas. Can't we do some kind of thing where we refuse to let them back in the country? And obviously the U.K. won't let them back in either, so they'll be stuck between countries and will have to go live in Guyana or the Principality of Sealand or something? We can figure this out. No slight to the good people of Guyana, but, y'know, they've let crazy American people in before, so we just thought... Anyway. Heidi and Spencer. Still around. How about that. [Us Weekly]
We're a little late on this but it of course needs to be covered so here it is: It seems that Justin Bieber, future Canadian prime minister once those filthy tweens get the vote, and Selena Gomez, a wizard from Greenwich Village, have split up. Again. Yes, the couple that launched a thousand paparazzi flotillas was to spend New Year's together in Mexico but got in some sort of epic fight on the 30th and Justin flew to a hotel in Los Angeles and that's it. Of course, these idiots — I mean, kids — have split up before, so who knows if this will stick, but for right now? Yeah, they're done. Meaning Bieber is free to call his groupie service and do whatever his faith allows and Gomez might be able to get with someone who doesn't look like wet pasta. I guess that's win-win for them, but I'm sure they're sad about it. They're babies! Babies get sad about things. I'm putting money on them getting back together, but of course there's no way to tell but to wait and see. The heads and hearts of youngsters are fickle, mercurial things. One day someone is the love of a lifetime, the next they're some jerk with a cell number they need to delete. But tomorrow it could be love and noodly hugs all over again! Things move fast down there, in Child World. [New York Daily News]
Oh dear. Supermodel Naomi Campbell was mugged in Paris. Man, couldn't have happened to a nicer person. No, no, I kid. Sure, Naomi Campbell is frequently violent and terrible, but no one should be mugged, even if they routinely assault people and pay little to no consequences for it. Campbell was by herself, hailing a cab, when she was knocked down and robbed. She apparently tore a ligament in the process, so that's why she's been on crutches if you've seen her in the last month. So, yeah. We of course wish her a speedy recovery, so that she can get back to her modeling and throwing her billionaire boyfriend huge lavish parties in impoverished India and of course abusing her servants with cellphones and other objects with mostly impunity. Get well soon, friend! [Page Six]
Speaking of good people in terrible situations, Calvin Klein's shifty ex-boyfriend Nick Gruber has been in a car accident, totaling his current guy pal John Luciano's $100,000 BMW in a three-car accident. OK, so it might not have been his fault. He was "broadsided" by a PT Cruiser (is there a more undignified way to be in a car accident?) while making a left turn on some L.A. street. So who knows what happened with whom, but the important things about this story are this: Gruber was allegedly on a date with a woman when this happened, and Luciano said this about the accident: "The thing about Nick, he has a lead foot and rocks for brains." Hahah. Oh good grief. What dummies all involved in this are. Sad old Luciano, dumb young Nick, whatever lady it was, the BMW, the PT Cruiser, Los Angeles, the world, the universe, etc. The whole lot. Dummies all. [Page Six]
George Lucas is engaged to his 43-year-old lady friend Mellody Hobson, the chairwoman of DreamWorks animation. So, two fantastically wealthy people in the movie industry are marrying. Big deal. What is a big deal is that in twenty years Lucas plans to get Hobson a makeover and re-marry her as a "Special Edition." And then a few years after that he'll ruin the whole thing by marrying some awful younger thing that everyone hates. [People]