Taylor Swift is likely never, ever, ever gonna get together with the 24-year-old Wisconsin man who was arrested after hopping the fence of her Nashville home early this morning. Is that how it's done? Is that how you make the corny Taylor Swift joke while talking about how someone tried to sneak into her house and do god knows what? Because that's the best I've got. Yeah, some dude hopped the fence, was quickly detained by security, and then told police that he was the boyfriend of the homeowner. The homeowner being Taylor Swift. It's unclear if Swift was home at the time, but either way that is very scary. No two ways about that. Just downright scary. So where do we go from here? Do I make the joke that the intruder was a shaggy British boy with four mates waiting on the other side of the fence? Oh god, is there a John Mayer joke here? I'm just not sure. Sometimes the Taylor Swift gossip industry feels like a pretty specific place. And this bit of news feels a little outside that box. Or over the fence. Or whatever. A crazy man tried to break into Taylor Swift's house in Nashville, traveled all the way there from Wisconsin to do it, and now Taylor Swift has had him killed. Took him down to the river and said, "No, I do this," when one of her security guys tried to finish it. Looked right at the guy, said "This is for my fence," and pulled the trigger. That's what happened. Oh, and yeah, Taylor Swift probably has to move. Sigh. [TMZ]

Katy Perry was spotted this week at the New York theater piece Sleep No More — that's the one where you walk around in a mask through various rooms where people are doing a version of Macbeth. The big news is that she was with on-again/off-again ex John Mayer, and they were being super intimate and lovey-dovey. So they are basically back in the saddle on that one. The strange thing about this news is, if everyone was in a mask, how did these two get spotted? Someone with a keen eye, I guess. Man, people who can just spot celebrities like that are amazing. You know that person. You're walking up 6th Avenue and your friend starts elbowing you and muttering "Ashley Olsen Ashley Olsen Ashley Olsen" and you look up and sure enough there's Ashley Olsen striding down toward West 4th with purpose. Or you're at a play or something and that same friend squeezes your arm and turns you toward a loping figure in a fur coat and, yup, Kathleen Turner. Some people are just good at finding famous people. Like, you're at Sleep No More and that friend says "Ahem" and points to a woman in a mask wearing a huge, leaking whip-cream bra and several different wigs, standing next to a guy holding a guitar and a copy of Us Weekly and they somehow, somehow know that it's Katy Perry and John Mayer. I mean it's really amazing. Some people are incredible. [Page Six]

Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis are not engaged, you guys. They are absolutely not engaged. Olivia Wilde says so, and she would know. After some gossip rag published something or other saying that she was engaged, Wilde tweeted a response, saying "No, I'm not engaged, but I am at the Stones show and holy sh-t Ronnie Wood you got style, boy. It's just a fact." Which, ughhhh. Celebrities on Twitter trying to be all cool and funny is the worst thiiiiing. Just absolutely the worst. I'm sure that Olivia Wilde is great and cool and funny and pretty and smart and everything like that, but the laidback attempts to just be a regular cool kid on Twitter are really the living, breathing worst. I know that Twitter is supposed to be the great equalizer, a place where celebrities can be super candid with their friends and fans, but I dunno. I'm not buying it. There's a certain way that the "cool" celebrities on Twitter talk that is the height of annoying. I'd rather they just tweet links to articles about themselves or about nonsense charities for T-shirt water or whatever. That's preferable to the faux-laidback just chillin' and makin' jokes celebrity tweets. Insufferable, those. Again, I'm sure she's a lovely person — quite sure, in fact — but I can't do the Twitter stuff with her. Just can't. Anyway. Olivia Wilde is not engaged. [Us Weekly]

L.A. Reid, music mogul and beautifully bald man, is stepping down from his post as a judge on The X Factor. Yeah. He said that he has to get back to his record business, because he's been neglecting it, and that he is sad to leave the show, "but only a little bit." So, OK. Gee. What a big thing. To quit a ratings-starved show that no one talks about and that will never produce a single singing sensation, ever. I really have to question Reid's decision to quit. It seems very surprising that he, a busy and very wealthy man separate of this hunk of shiny junk, would want to walk away from a show that can't even capitalize on Britney Spears being live on television twice a week. It's really shocking. I think he's just being demure. I think he's more than a little sad. I'm sure he's weeping. Yup, weeping. Weeping with joy as he roars down the PCH with the top down, screaming, "I'm free, motherf-ckers!!!!" That kind of weeping. Because good grief. Good for him. Go live your life, L.A. Reid. Leave that pile of rot behind. [People]

Scores, the fancy New York City strip club, has offered to pay Lindsay Lohan's storage locker fee — oh, yeah, she's going to lose the contents of a storage locker if she doesn't pay up, so the guy that's living in there, Damian from Mean Girls, really hopes it gets paid — and to cover her living expenses for a few months if she'll go to work for them. Not as a stripper, but as a "host" on their website. No nudity, just "hosting." Video-chat hosting, apparently. So that sounds like a pretty fishy deal, but Lindsay Lohan's whole life is a fishy deal at this point, so maybe she should take it? I mean, the people at Scores are utter ghouls for doing this and making it public, but sometimes a ghoul has a good deal. Ghouls generally should not be dealt with for any reason, but when you're really down, when you're in trouble and don't want Daniel Franzese to get bought by the Storage Wars guys and sold for scrap, a ghoul can be your best bet. I say go with the ghouls, Lindsay Lohan. Take the money, host the online video chats, and then move on with your life. You've got that Katharine Hepburn biopic for the TV Guide channel that you're doing, so prep for that after the Scores gig. Say yes to the ghouls, Lindsay Lohan. They are ghoulish ghouls, but ghouls use American dollars same as the rest of us. And that counts for something. [TMZ]

Sally Struthers has pled not guilty to a DUI charge in Maine. So that's something that's happening. If you'd like to help, please call this number. [Entertainment Weekly]