The sweet and relatively innocent tween in your life may love them, but the members of the popular horror-jazz quintet One Direction are anything but goody two-shoeses. The British lads — Darryl, Hank, Tim, Purvis, and Dr. Six — are in Los Angeles right now, and at least three of them got tattoos. Darryl aka Harry Styles went and got a big sailboat on his "bicep" (it's on his arm) on Tuesday with probably-girlfriend Taylor Swift, who giggled and took pictures with Harry and the tattoo artists. Harry seemed happy with his big sailboat, which he'll have on his arm forever, and Taylor was "enjoying her first experience in a tattoo shop," according to the tattoo artist. This guy also said that Tay and HS seem only to be "very close friends," but that seems outrageous. Of course they're in love. The big tall ship clearly is a reference to Taylor Swift. It's big, like how Taylor is more famous than Harry, it's old (she's 22!), and some 30 to 40 cabin boys have scrubbed its decks in the past year. Duh, guys. Duh. Meanwhile, three of Harry's bandmates, Louis and Liam and Zayn, went to a tattoo parlor and had a real chill time. Zayn and Louis both got terrible tattoos on their arms. Zayn colored around his famous "Zap!" and microphone tattoos with an intricate sleeve design involving a skull, because he's a tough guy. Then Zayn smoked cigarettes while Louis got, like, a clock next to a stick figure on his arm? It's unclear. Boys, yikes. Don't you know these either last forever or must get removed by painful, expensive procedures? The legal tattoo age should be 46. You still want the tattoo when you're 46, by all means get it. Before that? I just don't trust these kids. Sorry, responsible tattoo owners. These dumb kids are ruining it for you. Liam, at least, was just there to hang out. (He already has a dumb tattoo.) He played pool while the other two got their ink and smoked their cigarettes and ate their pizza. And outside a horde of impressionable young girls, your tween among them perhaps, waited on Sunset Boulevard and dreamed fierce California dreams of their own someday tattoos. The fifth band member, Irishman Niall Horan, was nowhere to be seen, though one assumes he was off somewhere getting a Prince Albert. One naturally assumes that. [Us Weekly; Daily Mail]

For the first time since 1997, an American has won the big Miss Universe pageant. The winner was a 20-year-old from Rhode Island (go lil' red!), also a BU student (sucks to BU!), named Olivia Culpo. So, congratulations to her. She'll spend her year as Miss Universe traveling the cosmos with Donald Trump, he pointing out quasars and other celestial bodies and lying and saying he owns them, she waving emptily at dead gas planets and lonely belts of icy asteroids. At the end of her term, she will of course be sent off into a black hole, smiling and ever waving until she reaches the event horizon and is then lost to both space and time, eventually compressed into infinite density, joining those who came before her. It's a proud tradition. Meanwhile, those who believe the winner of the Miss Photogenic prize, Miss Kosovo, should have won the whole thing, will have to, I dunno, go to Pristina and look her up. She's probably not up to all that much today. [People]

Who needs Miss Universe when you can be the Queen of England? A far better and more effective title. Case in point: Queen Elizabeth, in all her magnanimity, has invited Duchess Kate of Cambridge's parents, mere commoners, to the royal Christmas festivities at Sandringham. The holiday has long been a for-royals-only affair, but the Queen has decided that in the modern era, and with Kate pregnant with her great-grandchild, she supposes it's proper, this one time, for these party-supply people to make their way over as well. Elizabeth apparently hopes that the attendance of her parents will encourage the still-ailing Kate to participate in the various activities. Which is sort of kind, but also perhaps a little calculating. Asked how Kate's parents will factor in specifically, the Queen responded, "Oh, I've rather no idea. I suppose we'll make room for them in the stables, won't we? I'll have some food sent round after we've done eating in the house. We'll have one of the men find out what commoners eat. Mac-Donald's, I suppose." The Queen then clapped her hands and said, "Come, William. Let's take a tour of the dungeons," and so down and down and down they went, deeper under the palace, until they could hear the moan of the prisoners, smell the stink of the rats, and William realized that Kate had no idea what she had gotten into. [Us Weekly]

Claire Danes and her husband Hugh Dancy — what an annoying thing to type because la di da aren't we both perfect and pretty and in love — have welcomed their first baby into the world, Cyrus Michael Christopher. The boy was born on Monday afternoon at "exactly 3 p.m.," according to an email Dancy sent out to friends. Though, they can't all be that great friends if the email is making the rounds. So, December 17. Could be worse, could have been a week later and he'd be doomed to a life of Christmas Eve birthdays. December 17 gives him some room. Sure, his birthday party will also sort of be a holiday party, but at least he'll probably be out for school vacation when it comes time. That's exciting. Anyway, congrats to everyone. Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to go walk over to the Hudson and stare at the boats and think long and hard about how it could possibly be that Angela Chase has a baby. [Page Six]

Teen archangel Justin Bieber is under fire from an animal rights group because he apparently gave his hamster away to a frenzied fan outside a concert recently. The group, the California Hamster Association, said some rather dramatic things about this situation, calling it "animal cruelty" and saying, "The moment that hamster was handed off to a screaming girl in a harsh, frenzied environment was likely the moment it gazed at the short path to its doom." Good heavens. We all know that you really do not want to f-ck with the CHA, those are some stone-cold serious motherf-ckers, but damn. They don't even know the hamster is dead! Do not cross their paths, the CHA. Meanwhile Bieber reportedly received a call of consolation and advice from Richard Gere, who sighed into the phone and said, "I know these people. Trust me." [TMZ]