One day they're children, it seems, and the next they're doing sexually suggestive things on stage — and there's nothing any of us can do about it. Take Miley Cyrus, for example. This one, all of 20 years old now, has been trouble for a little while, dancing on stripper poles during concerts and recording terrible dubstep songs with porn star-dating DJs. (And getting engaged!) And now she's combined those activities, performing a song over the weekend alongside a stripper at her Israeli DJ collaborator Borgore's show "Christmas Creampies." Which... Well, one, L.A. is the worst. Two, Miley, stop. I know that, at all of 20 years old now, you find strippers and DJs and "Christmas Creampie" to be the coolest and edgiest of stuff, that it feels like you're really an adult when you surround yourself with it. But that is basically the opposite of true. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with strippers or DJs per se; they certainly have their place in the culture and deserve respect, same as anyone. It's really the showiness of the whole affair that rings a bit lame, Miley. And the silliness of it. You befriended one not terribly good dubstep DJ, recorded a dumb song about cake with him, and now that's like your thing. He likes strippers so you like strippers. He has a show called "Christmas Creampies," you perform at a show called "Christmas Creampies." What's the point? What does it all mean to Miley Cyrus? Probably not much, deep down. Other than that it seems cool. Which I guess is a 20 year old's prerogative. Oh, and, people are talking about how her shirt showed her cleavage, which, whatever. That's not a problem. What's a problem is that she's basing her conception of coolness and adulthood on a dubstep DJ and the women he objectifies. She can wear as many cleavage-bearing shirts as she wants as long as she's making some actually cool friends. [Us Weekly]

Speaking of these damn kids discovering, uh, themselves, Justin Bieber is apparently experimenting with crotch-grabbing. Yeah. Yup. Sigh. There's a time in every young man's life when he begins to wear strange space pants and grab his crotch a lot, and it's just a phase we all have to endure. People seem pretty upset about this, though. Bieber is currently doing a series of Jingle Ball shows, those radio concert things you may remember from when you were 14, and he apparently grabbed his crotch at a concert in Tampa Bay last night, and at whatever concert that Rosie O'Donnell was at on Friday night. The Daily Mail has a big-headlined story about the crotch-grabbing in Tampa, while Rosie tweeted the following about her concert: "Justin Bieber is Elvis - amazing last night @ jingle ball - didn't love the endless weenie grabs - but god he is angelic and beautiful." So... that's a thing. "Weenie grabs." Yikes. That phrase might actually be almost as bad as "angelic and beautiful." Might be! Anyway, the point is that Justin Bieber has started grabbing his crotch and we all need to come to terms with it. Of course we'd all prefer it if he and Miley went to college and studied hard and had fun soda-pop mixers and held hands with their sweethearts at football games, but some kids just aren't meant to do things like that. Some are meant to get engaged at 20 and pal around with sleazy dubstep DJs and grab their crotches in front of thousands of minors. Sometimes that's just God's plan for a child, and we have to accept it. We do not, however, have to accept the term "weenie grabs." That should go right to hell immediately. [Daily Mail; Twitter]

And, hey, look, it's not like the adults are doing much better. Naomi Campbell had another birthday party for her Russian billionaire boyfriend, Vladimir Doronin, because that's apparently all she does now. You remember early last month when there was that huge blowout bash in Jodhpur, India? Well, that wasn't quite enough birthday party, so Campbell held another fete at Puff Diddles' Star Island home over the weekend, featuring guests Kanye West, Lenny Kravitz, Kim Kardashian, Russell Simmons, and Demi Moore. You may remember late last week when Demi Moore was photographed doing a seductive dance at another Miami party, so I guess she's continuing on with her new wild lady ways. In fact, she's a single lady now, too, since she apparently just split up with her 26-year-old fella, Vito Schnabel. It seems that Schnabel wasn't too keen on dating someone who would be photographed all the time and associate him with celebrity, because he really just wants to be a serious art dealer. He may not have liked her dance, too. That might have been at least part of the reason. Anyhoo, Demi's fine, she's having a good time with Naomi and friends, and she can probably do that for the foreseeable future. Naomi Campbell's job now is to throw birthday parties for her Russian oligarch boyfriend, so Demi can just travel on that circuit until she gets bored or gets work. Next up is a party in Aspen, and then it's on to the San Fernando Valley, where Campbell has had an entire Chuck E. Cheese's dipped in gold. [Page Six; Page Six]

It seems that Duchess Kate of Cambridge is once again dealing with her acute morning sickness, called hyperemesis gravidarum, but she hasn't been rehospitalized. Recurrence is normal with the condition, but still that must, well, royally suck. "Hey so you're going to be dizzy, vomiting, and nauseous for maybe the next nine months!" "Oh, brilliant..." Just not a fun condition, it doesn't sound like. I mean, Charlotte Bronte died from it, for god's sake. But that was a million years ago and she wasn't the future Queen of England, so, everything's going to be fine, if really unpleasant for a while. Meanwhile Prince Harry apparently sent her well wishes from his post in Afghanistan, and of course letters from Harry always put Kate in a better mood, so that's good. William was happy to hear that his brother had sent a note, though he's not sure what to make of all their inside jokes and little secretive anecdotes. Or that new, thin smile on Kate's face as she lies in bed and looks out the window, east. Toward the gardens, he presumes. [Us Weekly]

Christmas Caper actress Shannen Doherty recently played something of a hero, calling a 911 dispatch in New Jersey, all the way to Los Angeles, to express her concern about a Twitter follower who had threatened suicide. The call, of course, was released, and on it she says, "This is going to sound really weird," and then makes fun of herself for being on Twitter and tells the guy what's up. The concerned party was apparently fine, and one of the dispatch guys had a great day because at the end of the call he got to tell Shannen Doherty that he and his co-workers were fans of hers and talk to her about Hurricane Sandy. Which seems like the appropriate thing to do after a suicide threat is neutralized, doesn't it? "Phew, that's over. Hey, can I just say I loved Charmed?" Just a bit odd. But oh well. Everyone was fine, and that's all that matters. [TMZ]