If you saw a tween this weekend wearing a black arm band and solemnly going about their tweenly life—forlornly loitering outside a Spencer's Gifts, dejectedly trying every ice cream flavor at the 32 Flavors but not buying anything, crestfallenly requesting one order of French fries for an entire table of six girls at a diner and leaving a 32¢ tip—it is because tween screamsation Justin Bieber and his longtime girlfriend, former wizard Selena Gomez, split up some time ago and the news was just announced late last week. I suppose some tween girls are probably excited about this, actually, in that it now frees Justin up for them to wrap their weird noodly tween arms around him, but I'm sure plenty of tweens are sad. Very,very sad. But how are Justin and Selena doing? Well, they seem just O.K. Justin performed a concert in Boston on Saturday night and blessed all his Beliebahz with an acoustic cover of "Cry Me a River," Justin Timberlake's iconic, 10-year-old song about his breakup with Britney Spears. Which, hm, O.K., Justin. I understand this is a big breakup for you, and maybe to some in the tween world it is monumental, but you are not Justin and Britney. Never were, never will be. I mean, Justin and Britney were this. You will never be that. Oh well. There's video of Justin performing the song and other than the fact that he doesn't sound very good, the most remarkable thing about it is that no one in the audience seems to really recognize the song? Because it is ten years old and ten years ago most people in the audience were barely a gleam in their daddies' eyes? Kinda depressing, just gonna say it. Meanwhile, Selena tweeted the following: "Thank you everyone who came out to Kmart today. Such a warm welcome to my first visit to White Plains. Love you all." So, oh dear. Selena Gomez was wandering around a Kmart in White Plains. Maybe this breakup isn't going as smoothly as we thought. But the tweens knew. They knew. They always do. The tweens are everywhere, watching. [People]

Hey speaking of Justin Timberlake, ten years later and he's a totally new man. A married man, at that. And like any old married, he and his bride Jessica Biel have settled into a pretty cozy kind of a life. Want to know how they spent their weekend? We know all about their weekend. On Saturday they volunteered in Far Rockaway to aid in Hurricane Sandy relief, then that night they went to the Saturday Night Live taping to watch Anne Hathaway mangle a few sketches and Rihanna sing from inside a computer. After that they presumably went to the after party before going home to get a good night's sleep. And then on Sunday they were seen outside the Union Square movie theater (so close, Justin and Jessica, just walk a bit further and ring my doorbell) before seeing a matinee of Skyfall. Yeah, they just went to the movies together. Seemingly with no bodyguard or entourage or anything. Just the two of them, bless their hearts. And there are pictures! Not pictures of them using the ticket machines and finding seats and eating all the popcorn before the previews even end, no, alas, there are not pictures of that, but there are pictures of them walking around town like a regular old couple. Isn't that nice. If you live in the area, you should invite them over for an early supper. They just might come! You could play Catchphrase! Just don't mention the all-jean outfits to Justin. He's still pretty sensitive about all that. [Daily Mail; Us Weekly]

Two other celebrities went on a movie date recently, but it was less successful. James Franco and the Pretty Little Liars actress he swears he's not dating, Ashley Benson, went to a midnight screening of Skyfall at the end of last week (we're guessing Thursday night) at the ArcLight in Hollywood and, like Franco in a Columbia lecture, they both passed the F out before the movie ended. They were so asleep that the movie theater staff had to wake them both up when the movie was over. Which... Hm. These are relatively young people, should they really be that tired at a measly two in the A.M.? That sounds like, I dunno, like something else was going on. Who knows what it might have been. But something, y'know? Anyway, I hope they go see the movie for real sometime soon, otherwise they won't know what anyone's talking about when they talk about how the movie turns into Home Alone at the end. And that is definitely worth talking about. [Page Six]

Now, if Demi Moore wants to fall asleep at two in the morning, who's to blame her. The actress just celebrated her 50th birthday, choosing to spend the occasion with some friends in swingin' Abu Dhabi. Well, not so much swingin', but certainly rich and luxurious. Moore had a party/hang at the very fancy Monte Carlo Beach Club, where everyone lounged and ate and laughed and picked nits out of each other's hair and read aloud from the G.I. Jane screenplay. After they were done with that, Moore got on a plane and flew to Jodhpur, India, to attend the lavish 50th birthday bash that Naomi Campbell recently threw for her Russian oligarch billionaire boyfriend. Yeah. So, that sounds like rather disgustingly decadent fun. And this was all, actually, before Moore's 50th birthday, which was just yesterday. Quite a way to spend the lead-up to your bday, jetting off to Abu Dhabi and then India for a two-day birthday party in a fancy old fort. All of this while the rest of us worked. It's good to be 49, I guess. [Us Weekly]

Speaking of birthday parties, Leonardo DiCaprio just had his 38th (shudder, we are all terribly old and dying) at The Darby, a "supper club" in Chelsea (sort of), this weekend. (We presume. His birthday was yesterday.) The guest list was quite starry: Beyoncé, Jay-Z, Robert De Niro, Cameron Diaz, Martin Scorcese, Jonah Hill, Mark Ruffalo, Edward Norton, Jamie Foxx, Emma Watson, Swizz Beatz, Chris Rock, Busta Rhymes, Kevin Connolly, Russell Simmons, Miranda Kerr, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Carla Gugino, Ethan Suplee, and Lukas Haas. Wow! All at that one place at the same time. The staff must have (quietly) freaked out. And also, let's think about this. Emannuelle Chriqui? The girl from On the Line gets to hang out with all those people for some reason? Or how about Margot Robbie, the one who's Leo's costar in Wolf of Wall Street and maybe more and who just last year was merely an Australian soap star. And now she's rubbing elbows with Beyonce and Mark Ruffalo. Surreal. What do people talk about at parties like that? I guess probably what everyone else talks about at parties, except there's the quiet and unspoken knowledge that normal people would freak out if they knew they were all together, just having party talk. What if there had been a fire? Would E! just broadcast a black screen for six weeks? It's very strange to think about, this world of celebrity and parties and whatnot. At least Leo's was for a good cause, with $500,000 being donated to the Red Cross. They did that by "adding a fee to every bottle sold to be donated for charity." Wow, that's a lot of bottles. At least we know this crowd likes to drink! At least you can say that for this bunch of slouches. Meanwhile, yours truly spent the weekend in pajama pants eating pizza and watching a godforsaken NCIS marathon. No money was raised for charity. [Page Six]