Today in celebrity news: People has named Magic Mike its Sexiest Man Alive, Chelsea Handler gets caught faking sick, and Brad Pitt's kids are restaurant terrors. 

People magazine, like an encyclopedia but for people, has named its Sexiest Man Alive for 2012. They have deemed, through various experiments using hunk extract and denim sweat, that sensitive pile of pink pork meat Channing Tatum is the current world leader in sexiness. Do you agree with their findings? Oftentimes many people do not. But this seems accurate to us. The animate tube steak is a bigtime actor these days, getting all the roles in all the movies, and he just did that stripper movie, so his sexy quotient is riding higher than perhaps is normal. It makes sense that the scientists' sensors would indicate Tatum over, say, Ryan Gosling. The title is, of course, both blessing and curse for Mr. Tatum. He will receive the $1,000,000 cash prive from the Global Sexiness Fund to be spent at his discretion, tax-free. And he will receive a lifetime supply of Old Spice products. But he also has to go on the traditional whistlestop bedding tour, riding around America, and later the Contient, on the rails, making his body available to any who want to avail themselves of it, as his sexiness is now a public commodity. He will also eventually be ushered into the same dimly lit, sparsely adorned room where Mark Harmon has been sitting for some time now, looking at his 1986 Sexiest Man Alive cover and huffing sadly to himself. So, it's two sides of a coin. Light and dark, good and bad. We wish Mr. Tatum luck and, as they said in the old times, may the odds be ever in his favor. [People]

Stars, they're just like us. Meaning they make bullsh-t excuses when they don't want to go to work early in the morning and then sometimes get caught in said bullsh-t later on. One such star is Chelsea Handler, who was supposed to do the Hoda & Kathie Lee dada variety hour that wraps up the Today show on Monday but, oh dear, she was suddenly stricken with food poisoning. How terrible! But, hm, it must have been one of those not even four-hour bugs, because Handler was later at an afternoon taping of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and then went to the Glamour Women of the Year Awards and to the after party at Graydon Carter's Monkey Bar, where she was seen cozying up to playboy hotelier Andre Balazs. Wow, what a remarkable recovery! From crippling food poisoning to an afternoon into an evening of partying. Truly amazing. Sheesh. Come on, Chelsea Handler. Kathie and Hoda start their wine party at ten. That's completely manageable. Obviously that means you have to wake up at 8 for hair and makeup and to warm up the Joke Machine 2003 Edition that you carry with you and have it spit out some material, but still. You're a 50-year-old woman, and you're going to call in sick only to get caught going to a party later in the day? Unbecoming, honestly. Kathie and Hoda talked about it on the show yesterday and deemed the whole thing suspect, while Chelsea joked with Jimmy Fallon, saying "I wasn’t drunk or anything. I literally walked into a shower door this morning . . . I couldn’t go with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kota-ba, or whatever her name is." Cool. Even more professional. And that Joke Machine is really doing its job. Also, did the shower door give her food poisoning? I've heard of that happening one time to [insert stupid joke about Lindsay Lohan, hold for applause from gay minstrel and rancid straight guy on panel, point to dwarf and tell everyone to laugh]. [Page Six]

2024's Sexiest Human Male Alive Justin Bieber was pulled over while driving his Ferrari in Los Angeles last night. He Instagramed a picture of the cop car and someone else snapped pics as well, showing Justin getting back in his car after, I guess, the police brought him out to talk to him. Ha, it must be funny to be an LAPD traffic cop and just pull over the fanciest cars you can find to see who's driving them. "Uh, your, um, your taillight is a little dim, I'm gonna need you to step out of the vehi— Holy cats, I thought so, you're Mark Harmon. I love you on NCIS. And may I say, sir, that you are just as sexy as you were in '86." And then they beat him with nightsticks. I saw it on an episode of Southland. [TMZ]

Tsk tsk. Brad Pitt can't get his kids under control. Well, OK, maybe he can, but sometimes he chooses not to, and that's not right. It seems that every time he's home to see his family in Springfield, Missouri, he has the local Arris' Pizza close down and he Angie sit and talk and try to choke down this Middle American human food while the kids run rampant. It's said that the six children scream and yell and jump on tables and throw food at each other and Brad and Angie do nothing about it. And then when they're done, what happens? Do Brad and Angelina clean up the mess? Not bloody likely. They probably just toss a wad of soft, polished $100 bills on the floor and walk right out and into their helicopter and fly away to their chateau. And the staff of Arris' Pizza cautiously pokes their heads out from the back room to check that they are gone and when they determine the coast is clear they scurry out to clean everything up. And then, just then, everyone in Arris' Pizza doesn't feel like ekoghenia at all. [Us Weekly]

Marc Jacobs has fled to Europe after his West Village home was flooded during the great and terrible storm that ravaged our shores not but two weeks ago. He's gone to London where it is safe and warm and will likely go elsewhere in Europe before returning home. If he ever returns home. What if this is it? What if the water and wind have chased him off for good? Forget Breezy Point or powerless highrises on the Lower East Side or the ruins of Staten Island. If we lose Marc Jacobs to this storm, it will be Sandy's greatest tragedy. Now, people familiar with Jacobs say we should not worry, that he's "usually in Europe around this time anyway, working on his next collections," but I don't know that I believe that. What kind of person goes to Europe every year? Who can afford that?? This seems permanent. "One way ticket to Europe please, the name's Marc Jacobs. And I'm never coming back." What have you done, Sandy? What have you done. [Page Six]