"It is inconceivable (to the entire world) that Mr. Cruise would have difficulty getting a girlfriend," is the best line of what seems to be a very angry letter from The Church to Scientology to Vanity Fair and editor Graydon Carter in regards to the magazine's unflattering exposé. The eight-page letter, which was posted to the Church of Scientology's website, isn't just a defense of Tom Cruise's attractiveness and date-ability, but rather a legal warning to Carter about the magazine's October 2012 exposé written by Maureen Orth. "We are writing regarding your, your editor’s and reporter’s shoddy journalism, religious bigotry and potential legal liability arising out of Vanity Fair’s upcoming story about the Tom Cruise divorce," reads the letter from the Church which was written by the law firm Elkins Kalt Weintraub Reuben Gartside LLP. Orth's piece included, as we mentioned earlier this month, pretty unflattering portrayals of the religion, leader David Miscavige, and the assertion that the Church of Scientology auditioned various women to be Tom Cruise's girlfriend(hence the defense above). Nope, the tell-all isn't available online, but other allegations include things like no one liking Nicole Kidman, Miscavige not liking Penelope Cruz, and Cruise striking out with sexy starlets like Sofia Vergara and Scarlett Johansson ... and a former girlfriend insulting Miscavige. 

The letter unfortunately doesn't name names like Kidman, Vergara and Johansson, and treads on the usual legal speak ("we trust that Vanity Fair will not publish anything defamatory about Mr. Miscavige and that we will not need to meet at a deposition or in a court") that law firms write when someone writes an unflattering portrayal of their client. But under all the allegations of bigotry and shoddy journalism, is the best morsel of the Church's lengthy defense: that Cruise and Miscavige  are totally great boyfriend material: 

... allegations of joking around about Mr. Cruise's romantic relations are manifestly false since it is inconceivable (to the entire world) that Mr. Cruise would have difficulty getting a girlfriend. This goes beyond not wanting to dignify a question with a response, but goes to the credibility and ethics of your journalist. 

...

It is nothing short of unbelievable that Vanity Fair would be so myopic (and stoop so low) as to be asking such ridiculous things as an unnamed girlfriend (which one?)  “insulting” Mr. Miscavige (no matter the name of this Vanity Fair refusal-to-name-girlfriend, it never occurred-since Mr. Miscavige doesn't remember any girlfriend of anyone, in his entire life, insulting him), household staff reporting about, apparently, the daily recipe (anybody but a totally biased individual would see this as a ridiculous claim, since one hardly believes Vanity Fair believes Mr. Miscavige would hear about the comings and goings of his own household staff).

Mr. Carter, please respond to this. We (and Tony Ortega wherever he may be) beg of you.