Lindsay Lohan is once again causing trouble on a movie set, Matt Lauer says the Today show is doing just fine thank you, and Prince William wants two babies.

The only things certain in this life are death, taxes, and Lindsay Lohan gettin' into some kinda somethin' with movie producers. That's it. We're all gonna die, we all have to pay taxes unless we're Mitt Romney, and Lindsay Lohan will always be making movie producers crazy. The latest example of the third thing is that Lohan caused a big stir of worry and confusion when she started refusing to show up to film her small part in the upcoming art film Scary Movie 5. Yeah, she's doing some kinda cameo with her spirit zombie Charlie Sheen in which she makes fun of herself, an idea at which, though she'd agreed to do the movie and presumably it was completely obvious that Scary Movie 5 was hiring her because she was her not because she's a sterling actress of the highest caliber, Lindsay initially balked. According to Page Six, in the lead-up to the shoot date, "Lohan disappeared, blew off rehearsals, missed her flight to the set and even bizarrely claimed she had walking pneumonia." Oh dear. Oh Lindsay. When will you get your mind right? Eventually, after being threatened with a lawsuit, Lohan got on the private jet they sent her and went down to film the damn thing. My they were awfully eager to have Lindsay Lohan in this movie for some inexplicable reason. Here's the thing I don't get at this point: The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Mean Girls. That's Lindsay Lohan's filmic oeuvre before things went screwy. And she's still in-demand? Well, ha, not in-demand, but you know what I mean. It just doesn't follow. It doesn't make sense. She was good once, but that was almost a decade a go. And yet we keep sending her private jets. Which is parenting mistake number one, mind you. You send the complaining kid a private jet once and they'll expect a private jet every time they throw a tantrum. Feed a cold, starve a tantrum, especially when it comes to private jets. That's what I say. Oh well. [Page Six]

Despite rumors that there are tensions on the Today show set as they steadily lose ratings ground to Good Morning America, Matt Lauer recently insisted that there is no beef between him and Al Roker. No beef, whatsoever. There used to be beef. There used to be beef and baloney and hams and sweets and all kinds of stuff between him and Al Roker but then Roker got the surgery and now it's just flesh and bone between the two of them. No more beef. Awful jokes aside, can you imagine Al Roker ever doing one controversial thing in his life? Including starting beef with a coworker? Maybe he's a monster off camera, but on screen he seems like a big genial chuckle monster. Apparently he's been doing weird things lately that have people saying he's trying to sabotage the show, but that doesn't sound like Al Roker. Come on guys. There's no beef. No beef since, like, '98. There's some celery and definitely some kale, but no beef. Everyone stop saying beef. [TMZ]

Still on tour in Asia, William, Duke of Cambridge, and his bride Katherine, Duchess of Medford, no just kidding Cambridge too, were answering some teenagers' question, as is the prime duty of a royal, and one teen asked, "How many kids do you want to have?" Yeah, some precocious teenager asked her crown prince, His Highness, how many royal babies he wants to make. Respectably, William didn't miss a beat, saying "Guards, off with her head" that he'd like to have two. Two babies for Prince William and his darling wife. While discussing the day back at their hotel, William told Kate about the question and she giggled coyly and said, "Well, we'd better get started then..." To which Will replied, "Yes you're right. I shall call grandmama in the morning and have her prepare a conceiving room." He then kissed her stiffly on the cheek, sloughed off his slippers, and got into bed, leaving Kate standing in the lavish hotel suite parlor, alone. Once she could hear her husband softly snoring, Kate walked to the window and looked out over the gleaming nighttime clutter and sprawl of Singapore. She touched a locket hanging around her neck and whispered, just once, ever so quietly, so only she could hear, because she so wanted to hear it, "Harry..." And then she went to bed. [Us Weekly]

Mila Kunis got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes recently, sparking Reince Priebus and other high-ranking GOP officials to criticize President Obama for his lack of action. Priebus then added that if Kunis would ever like to go to dinner sometime, he knows all the finest restaurants in Whitewater, WI and also he's got a condo in Madison that's pretty sweet. In response to the offer, Kunis promptly reentered the elevator and got herself stuck again. [Page Six]

Blake Lively invited her Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants costars America Ferrara, Alexis Bledel, and Amber Tamblyn to her recent secret wedding to Ryan Reynolds in Charleston, SC. Which was nice of her, but it doesn't make up for the fact that she didn't invite the pants. Which was rude, I think. At the ceremony, Reynolds and Lively said vows they'd written, with both promising to make the other laugh. Which... Sure. If there's one person I'd think of as a laff riot it's Blake Lively. Y'know? Just too much, that one. Joke-a-Minute Jones they call her. Makes total sense. [Us Weekly; People]

Harry Potter actress Emma Watson may have had what people are calling a "nip slip" on the red carpet recently, but really it was just a pastie slip, a flesh-colored gelatinous pastie slip, so everything's OK, but oh man, doesn't it make you uncomfortable to talk about this stuff when it has to do with Emma Watson, little Hermione Granger. The only thing more awkward than that would be seeing Harry Potter naked which, actually, many people have, including myself, in a play, and I have fake eyeballs now because the real ones fell out. Children get older indeed, Stevie Nicks. Indeed they do. Sigh. [Us Weekly]

Apparently all the women models at J.Crew's recent Fashion Week show were styled to look like J.Crew president and creative director Jenna Lyons. Which, hahaha. That's terrific, hilarious power. I wish Karl Lagerfeld would do that. [Page Six]