In the aftermath of a nude picture scandal, the royal wifey powers through. Elsewhere in celebrity gossip: Taylor Swift visited her boyfriend at high school, Amanda Bynes is not rehab-bound, and everything's cool at American Idol.
Now that her royal in-laws have successfully blocked her topless photos from appearing in the French tabloids anymore, Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton has resumed her duties as royal elegance ambassador for the British crown. She and her husband William continued their tour of Britain's Asian colonies on various remote islands of the South Pacific, arriving on Tuvalu and joining the locals in a little grass-skirted dancing, after being "transported in a leaf-topped shoulder-high carriage by more than 25 men." Aha. And: "They also took part in a custom whereby dignitaries spray perfume or scent on dancers as a mark of respect and gratitude. The couple brought a bottle of Paul Smith London for Men, which they used shower the performers." Right. Previously the couple was on the Solomon Island of Tavanipupu, where they "went snorkeling, sipped piña coladas and enjoyed a romantic dinner under a bamboo canopy on a private jetty at an island resort." A local said of the happy young couple, "I was astounded at how down to earth and lovely they were." Which... I'm sure they were lovely, but "down to earth"? These are the people who got carried onto a colonized island by twenty-five men and then on another island ate alone, away from everyone, on a private luxury jetty. Oh yeah and then they sprayed the islandfolk with chemicals. That's sort of the complete opposite of down to earth? Doesn't mean they're not lovely, it just means that they get carried onto islands by strongmen who they then spray with perfume before spiriting away and eating dinner by themselves. Y'know? Anyway, it's great that Kate and Will are soldiering on in the wake of the nudie scandal, which really wasn't a scandal for them at all, it was just a story about some French magazine being a jerk. It'll probably only take one more ride around an island on the backs of its inhabitants to make them forgot the whole thing ever happened. [People]
Speaking of perfectly darling little vacations, cradle robber Taylor Swift visited her boyfriend Conor Kennedy AT HIGH SCHOOL this weekend, popping up at Deerfield, where Conor is an 18-year-old junior. The two apparently went to a nearby antique store, which is just a thing that most high school students like doing on dates, and then ate at a restaurant called Taylor's Tavern. Which, good god, Swifty. You've already got this lad wrapped around your little finger, he's going antiquing with you for god's sake, so why do you have to open a restaurant in the town where he goes to school and name it after yourself?? That's just crazy behavior! You're in already, Taytay. You got him. No need for the restaurant. In related news, Conor's Deerfield roommate Howie spent the weekend playing computer games, typing 'big boobs' into Google, and eating Cheetos. He also had a great weekend. [Daily Mail]
Troubled actress Amanda Bynes will likely be appearing in court this Friday to answer DUI charges stemming from an incident in April. (One of several driving-related incidents in recent months.) Well, it's just a hearing, it's not like she's going to be sent to the clink to wear black and white-striped pajamas or anything. Regardless of what happens, one place Bynes will not be heading is rehab, it seems. That's just what this one magazine says, anyway. No rehab for Amanda Bynes. Which, OK, fine. It sounds like she might need a little more than rehab anyway? I mean, if she really is having conversations with herself and various inanimate objects, as has been reported? Who knows, really, but it sounds like her problems might be a bit bigger than drinking. Which would be sad. This whole thing is already sad, but it has the potential to get sadder. Won't someone please just finance She's the Man 2 so we can get her back to work, focused on positive and productive things? And so, y'know, there can be a She's the Man 2, which there should have already been years ago? Won't some do-gooder with millions of dollars at their disposal please just do this one thing? This one good thing? For Amanda? For us? For everyone? [Us Weekly]
Reports of new American Idol judges Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey fighting during the currently filming preliminary auditions are greatly exaggerated, if Carey is to be believed. She told reporters, "How can we feud in two days? I think a feud takes a little longer." Which, OK, that is true. A feud, a real Hatfields vs. McCoys-style feud, does take a lot of time, years even, to properly simmer. But you know what you can do in two days? You can threaten to rip a b-itch's wig off in two days. Yup, ya most certainly can. You can call someone an "old-ass '90s chick with crazy face" in two days. You can definitely pour a can of sardines down someone's tube dress while they're not looking in that amount of time. You can do all of that in two days. It might not be proper feuding, but it's certainly something. But really guys, come on. Stop it. Be nicer to Ryan Seacrest. Leave his hair, his dress, and his '90s lady status alone, please. It's just not nice. [People]
Oh good. Comedian impersonator Chelsea Handler will write another book, her fourth. The My Horizontal Life, Are You There Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea, and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang author will pen a new tome entitled 50 Shades of Chartreuse: This Time It’s Personal, which is... Right, because that joke is still going to be funny by the time the book comes out. Because it's so funny right now! Do you guys get it? It's like the book 50 Shades of Grey, which is such a funny thing to joke about these days. No one is sick of those jokes, no siree. "Keep 'em comin'!" That's America asking for more 50 Shades of Grey jokes, especially ones from Chelsea Handler that come in book form. "America's Insatiable Appetite for 50 Shades of Grey Jokes Shows No Sign of Stopping" read headlines all over Europe and Asia. It's the hottest international story there is. So, once again, way to have your finger on the pulse of pop culture and comedy, Ms. Handler. What would we do without your always-relevant wit? [Page Six]
Reese Witherspoon is selling her ranch in Ojai, California for a cool 10 million bucks. This is the place where Robert Pattinson camped out after it was revealed that his girlfriend Kristen Stewart was caught in flagrante delicto (or, y'know, hugging in a park) with director Rupert Sanders. Yes, this is that house! So for that low, low price, you could curl up on the same cool kitchen tiles where Robert curled up, nursing a bottle of whiskey as he sobbed into a Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire blanket that he's been carrying around with him since he made that movie. Just think of what energy you could extract from that place! You must buy it. You simply must. So you too can be like Robert Pattinson, only very likely older and uglier and poorer. But in all other ways, but mostly the weeping, you will be just like him. [Page Six]