Olympic swimmer and chill bro Ryan Lochte is fielding reality show offers, his agent tells The Hollywood Reporter today. There are three potential shows in the works, she says, but doesn't say whether Lochte is actually considering them. (Oh come on, of course he is.) So what would a Ryan Lochte reality show look like?? Let's dream up a concept for him and four other Olympic athletes we think deserve their own series.
First, we have something to say: You are all being a little too mean to Ryan Lochte. Yes, the bedazzled sneaker-wearing, diamond grille-sporting, lady-slaying dude is completely ridiculous and likely not the most pleasant person to hang out with, but the transition from light ribbing to just flat out calling him dumb and relentlessly dissecting his many, uh, personality quirks has been a bit unseemly. We just had to say that. But yes, he seems mostly to be a ludicrous human being, so his show needn't be very high concept. Just follow Ryan Lochte when he moves to L.A., which he says he plans to do. That's all Livin' with Lochte has to be about. Doesn't need to be filmed all glossy like The Hills, doesn't need fake situations like, well, The Hills. We could simply watch him pick up his laundry and go to dinner with a friend and drive around remarking on things he sees. And of course there would have to be 10 minutes per episode devoted to Ryan Lochte mostly not wearing clothes. It's as easy as that. The show makes itself. Who's Livin' with Lochte? We're all Livin' with Lochte.
17-year-old Russian gymnast Aliya Mustafina made quite a splash at this year's games. Aside from winning a bunch of medals, she was just such a pleasure to watch while she waited for scores and reacted to other people's losses and victories. She's got those big sad-looking eyes that can turn dark and hard and mean pretty quickly. She seems like a grand Russian diva, basically, and we would like to see her on television regularly. How about a show in which she moves to Brighton Beach to live with relatives and to find an American boyfriend. Mostly she spends her time haughtily bouncing around New York City, breaking nice Russian boys' hearts and terrifying girls who get in her way. On Must Have Mustafina, it's Aliya's world, we're just living in it.
Poor Lolo Jones. The American hurdle sprinter tripped in Beijing and lost an almost certain gold and then finished a disappointing fourth in the same event last night. The New York Times was pretty cruel to her recently and all anyone ever talks about is how she's pretty and a virgin, not her running ability. But Lolo wants to turn positives into negatives, so instead of wallowing she's going to travel the country helping people achieve their goals, one episode at a time. YOLO with Lolo will be sort of a grownup Made, with Lolo teaming up with various people who are experts and pros in their particular fields to help one person a week realize their dreams. That her hair is always perfect and her skin always sun-kissed and glowing is surely just accidental. This is not a show about how Lolo Jones is really pretty! It is about really helping people. So say it with us: YOLO, Lolo!
The world's fastest man is a true athlete and a genuine personality. A bit of a grandstander, Bolt isn't afraid to recognize his own greatness. But now there's young upstart Yohan Blake, also of Jamaica, who has beaten him in a couple (non-Olympic) races and could someday seize his world's fastest man title. So imagine what happens when the two are forced to live and train together in Miami! Jamaican Me Crazy will be one part serious look at athletic training and one part odd couple domestic tale. There are fights and rivalries, of course, but there's also humor and heart. There could be fun guest appearances by Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce and some of the American sprinters — when Sanya Richards-Ross comes to dinner, will she bring her NFL player husband?? — and of course all the exciting racing. Either that idea or there could just be a show in which Bolt has to deliver something new every week under a certain time. Bolt Express or something.
Many have seen the famous, lusted-after (and barely legal) British diver and his teammate friends do their little dance, but what happens when they aren't frolicking on a beach? Find out on The Boards, which will be filmed with the glossy sheen of The Hills and will have the staged situations of The Hills. This will be The Hills for British divers and their hangers on, basically. Will Chris Mears be jealous when Tom meets a new mate (as friends! Friends! We're talking about friends here)? Will Jack Laugher ever confess his love for Tonia Couch? And what will happen when Australian sass box Matthew Mitcham rolls into town? The drama will be as big as the splashes are small on The Boards. Either that or some sort of web series called Daily Daley or a travel show called The Daley Planet.