The mystifying satchel of muscles that is Jose Canseco (or his ghostwriter or team of comedy writers?) has taken to his Vice column to defend Lance Armstrong, which, well, we're sure Armstrong appreciates. We'll give Canseco credit--his logic is entertaining ("I’ve said this before and I’ll say it a million times if I have to: Steroids and other supplements don’t make you a super athlete") and the column makes for a good lunchtime read. Canseco doesn't even attempt to reconcile with the possibility that Armstrong never doped, and instead bellyflops into an argument of how performance-enhancing drugs are actually good for America and good for sports because "fans deserve to see records being broken and human beings pushing themselves beyond their limits." Oh, and he somehow manages to wax philosophical about vampirism and time-traveling vampires, as one does:

One thing I never understood is why anyone wouldn’t want to be bitten by a vampire. It’s like, what the fuck? Are you kidding me? I’d become a vampire in a heartbeat. They’re immortal, they can fly, and they can time-travel… what’s so bad about wanting to become one? What’s the worst thing that can happen? You have to eat a few people now and then? That’s not so bad. The only downfall I can think of is that you’d outlive your children, but, of course, you’d do your best to make sure they became immortal vampires too.

Okay, wait, what? Someone call Tina Brown, ASAP. Canseco's full column can be found over at Vice.