Lindsay Lohan will soon have a new half-sibling. Miley Cyrus is thinkin' about having a baby. And poor Suri Cruise isn't allowed to get the doggy in the window. 

Pop the bottles of sour, stinking gunk wine. Ring the bells that sound like low, groaning fart noises. Throw the dead skin confetti and dance a mournful jig, because Michael Lohan has spawned once more. Yes, the father of Lindsay (and the other two) has reportedly impregnated his on-again, off-again ladyfriend Kate Major. (She's the former tabloid reporter who was somehow wooed by the enemy. And who can blame her? I mean, it's Michael Lohan, known winner.) The funny thing about this whole pregnancy, as opposed to all the other sad things, is that the baby was conceived while a restraining order was still active against Lohan. So the deed that done did the baby was illegal. Which is really a fitting way for the child to be grunted into existence. "I was conceived under a restraining order moon..." will begin the child's harrowing, stream of consciousness roman à clef novel that they write on a lonely retreat in Maine after getting sober-ish at some sun-splashed California facility. Can't wait to read it. [TMZ]

Speaking of babies, southern reticulated chipmunk Miley Cyrus, who at 19 is engaged to her 22-year-old boyfriend, actor Liam Hemsworth, apparently wants a baby real, real bad. And Liam does too, according to someone who knows them who's willing to sell them out for a little coin. The source insists that the two kids are ready, and that "Miley is 19 going on 40." Which... that must be a strange thing for a 19-year-old to hear about themselves. 19 going on 30 would be one thing. But 19 going on 40 means that you're mature, maybe even a little world-weary. Maybe, even though you're just 19, you sometimes like to drink a half a glass of wine and fall asleep on the couch with an episode of Private Practice on low. Sometimes, even though you can't even legally drink, you fantasize about moving to Tuscany and learning how to love again from some sort of swarthy woodworker or cheesemonger. 19 going on 40. Strange thing to be. Though, really, do we believe it? And do we believe these two are ready for a damn baby? I mean, there is a picture online today of the couple skateboarding. Skateboarders do not get babies! You get one or the other, guys. One or the other. 19 going on 14-year-old boy from 1996, more like. [Us Weekly; People]

Here are some terrible photographs that Miley and Liam should look at. They are of six-year-old Suri Cruise crying because her mom Katie Holmes wouldn't buy her the puppy she wanted at a pet store in Manhattan. It's a very human moment, everyone's been there as a kid, and is a good reminder that children are very difficult. And expensive! The article also drops the news that Katie just enrolled Suri in a tony New York Catholic school (take that, Scientology) that costs $39,000 a year. Oof. That girl is not going to have a great time in school, is she? I just predict it being very hard. And with rich Catholic girls? Yikes. Well, at least she'll have every childlike moment of her life photographed and put on the internet. That ought to work wonders for her. So. Think about it, Liley. (That's Liam and Miley.) Just think about this long and hard. [New York Daily News]

Ew. Apparently Charlie Sheen used to tweet while having relations with his former girlfriend, pornography actor Bree Olson. Aren't you so glad you now know that information? Don't you feel your understanding of the world has just gotten a little better and broader? The thrill of learning! You don't need to be within a school's four walls to keep your education going. No sir. You can just use the power of your own brain and eyes and read. If LeVar Burton has taught us nothing else — though, let's be honest, he's taught us a lot — it's that when you can read, boy, you can go anywhere. Like, you can go to Charlie Sheen's bed, where he's having sex with his porn star girlfriend while tweeting things on his telephone at the same time. But don't take my word for it! [Page Six]

The Newsroom "stars" Kathleen "Kick" Kennedy (credited in one episode) and Thomas Matthews (credited in ten, but I literally cannot remember him on the show at all) have been seen canoodling together at a party (which was held at a very cool-seeming place described, very coolly, on its website as "Versailles in the sky"). Kennedy is the daughter of RFK Jr. and Matthews the son of cable news wheezebag Chris Matthews. A Kennedy in bed with MSNBC! Can't wait for The Newsroom to cover this story in two years. [Page Six]

While on the topic of sweet, sweet political love, it seems that Republican strategist/Ringwraith Karl Rove was secretly married to his lobbyist girlfriend late last month in a ceremony in Austin. For their honeymoon, casino mogul Steve Wynn flew the couple to Italy on his private jet. Rove's new wife, Karen Johnson, was having a lovely time until the first night, when Rove removed his human skinsuit and, standing there in all his true lizardy glory, croaked "Let us begin the insertion!" That's when things got weird. [Reliable Source]