Get me my smelling salts, I'm feeling faint. News broke last night that Kristen Stewart, dark chestnut queen of teen cinema, has been spotted making out with her Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders. Well, OK, that's pretty bad, a young girl making out with her much older, married director. But, it's not that big of a deal. But wait! Shrieeeek! Kristen Stewart is supposed to be dating, for a long time now, her beloved immortal Twilight costar Robert Pattinson! Oh sweet sorrows in heaven, this can't be happening! Not Kristen and Rob! Not Kiki and R-Patz! Not our beautiful storybook couple who have thrilled us with all their shy frowning over these past couple of years. Obviously neither actor's people are saying a word about this right now, but you can feel the terrible tension in the air, can't you? Can't you almost hear Rob hurling a commemorative Twilight ashtray to the ground, yelling "Didn't this mean anything??"? "What was all this??" he yells, taking Stephenie Meyer from the cage she asked to be put in and throwing her into the pool. And then Kristen frowns or smirks or... just what the hell is she always doing with her face? Bah, it doesn't matter. The point is, something big's been broken. Something once pure and good and true, as rich and thick as any vampyr's blood, is now ruined. Utterly destroyed. Though this does, at least, leave a window for Taylor Lautner to finally sweep in. To drive his car fast and sleek through the night. To pull up to the house. To ring the doorbell, all sweaty and expectant, and when the door opens, to say "Baby, I'm so sorry, baby baby baby." To offer a consoling hug that turns into a gentle kiss. And then a firmer one. Until the world is spinning and reeling and finally finally finally it is happening. Taylor closes his eyes, awash in lusty guilt and sweet long-clogged relief. "Oh Rob," he says. Finally! Oh Rob. [Us Weekly]

More details about Chris Brown and Rihanna's little meeting on a yacht over the weekend. It seems that, while there were some romantic sparks between the two, they were mostly meeting to discuss Rihanna appearing in a music video that Brown has been shooting in the South of France. So, OK. It was maybe a little pleasure, but it was mostly business. Oh, and that yacht they were on? The $300 million boat of Russian billionaire/oligarch Yuri Shefler. Yes, he'd loaned the yacht to the crown prince of Dubai, who was holding a party. Other guests included Kanye West, his main squeeze Nina Totenberg Kim Kardashian, and Leonardo DiCaprio. Waaaait a minute. What is known environmental activist Leonardo DiCaprio doing on an enormous $300 million yacht? Shouldn't he be puttering around on a corn-powered dinghy or, y'know, like a sailboat or something? Leo, c'mon, man. I know it's basically a St. Tropez sex boat and that holds some appeal, but stick to your principles, man. In fact, I think everyone should get off this boat. (They're still on it, days later, right?) Just everyone off. A lot of not so good things are happening on this boat. [Page Six]

Haha, um, oops! Perhaps inspired by Fred Willard, J.Lo's current boyfriend, and we mean boy, Casper Smart, was seen leaving a New York City peep show recently, and appeared to be "adjusting his jeans" as he left a little while later. Oh, Casper! You're a young man, merely 25, so you really should not be going to lonely old peep shows in the middle of the damn day. We can only hope that he was meeting someone for some sort of shady deal there. Right? Maybe he was buying stolen Chinese microchips for the U.S. government, or negotiating for someone's release from somewhere. It's possible! I mean, his last name is Smart. As in, CONTROL. He's up to something, guys. He's not just willarding himself in the afternoon at some raggedy old sex store. C'mon. It's the '90s. Nobody does that anymore. [Daily Mail]

Uh oh. Current pop sensation Carly Rae Jepsen has called the police after someone hacked into her computer and took some naked pictures she had saved on there for some reason. There were some fake Carly Rae Jepsen nudes making the rounds earlier — are people really that concerned with seeing Carly Rae Jepsen naked? Is that what the world is hungry for these days? Is that what Casper Smart was doing? — but these are different and, if the police's involvement is any indication, most certainly real. So, yeah, yikes. That sucks for her. "Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's a naked photo of Carly Rae Jepsen I stole from her computer by hacking into it." "Wait what?" "Yeah, it's Carly Rae Jepsen, naked." "Why would... Who could possibly care about this?" "People..." "What people? Who?" "I just... I don't... Hey, I just met you..." "Stop it. Stop it with that song already. Just stop it entirely." That's how that conversation goes, right? [TMZ]

It seems that Miley Cyrus went to some trade fashion shows in New York recently, possibly scouting potential collaborators for her boyfriend, excuse me fiance, Liam Hemsworth, who might be interested in starting his own fashion line. Oh, Liam. Really? What would brother Chris say? What would the whole of Australia say? A fashion line? Paul Hogan would be ashamed, were he alive today. (What's that? He is alive? Oh dear.) What are you, some kind of bogan girl reality star? A fashion line. Harumph. Go wrestle a crocodile and pound a beer and bag a sheila. Ridiculous. Unseemly. I don't like these thoughts this Miley girl is putting in his head. Next thing you know he'll be pairing up with Jill Zarin to launch a new line of shapewear. Which, well, actually, that'd be OK. [Page Six]

Russell Brand will be charged with a misdemeanor crime for smashing a paparazzo's cellphone in New Orleans this spring. Meanwhile, Katy Perry remains unprosecuted for her many, many crimes. [TMZ]

Remember Hanson? That band of brothers made up of scrabbly little Oklahoma angels that was big for a hot second in the 1990s? Well, middle brother Taylor, the cute one, is expecting his fifth child now. So, A) let's all go curl up in a box for a while and weep for ever-vanishing time, and B) let's help Taylor and his wife name the thing! It's their second girl, and they named the other one Penelope. Maybe they call her Penny? And if that's the case then there's only one way to go: Penny and Brain. Like from the show. Brain Hanson. Lovely name for a girl. Cut, print, it's a wrap. You're welcome, Hansons. [People]