Whose voice should narrate a ridiculously successful erotic novel, and whose voice would creep us out? Despite the fact that actress Becca Battoe already lent her vocal chords to the Fifty Shades trilogy, this very important question dominated The Twitters on Monday (into Tuesday), as we discussed #BestFiftyShadesAudioBookNarrator and #WorstFiftyShadesAudioBookNarrator.
In the "best" category, there was a lot of love for Alan Rickman. There were also many votes for Samuel L. Jackson and Morgan Freeman, who also appeared in the "worst" category, either out of irony or lack of imagination: they narrate a whole bunch of stuff.
In the "worst" category, there was a lot of hating on Fran Drescher, Ben Stein, "Your Mom" and Whoopi Goldberg. But the tweet that really felt like a punch in the gut was the assertion that Cookie Monster would be the worst narrator. Let's get this straight: Cookie Monster should narrate everything. Adding Cookie Monster to anything, or at least any Internet meme, makes it better. Cookie Monster's narration would be the best thing related to Fifty Shades by a landslide. Now, please proceed to read the rest of this post in Cookie Monster's voice. (Sub in Tom Waits if you're having a hard time.)
We're not super excited by the best, nor disturbed by the worst, because we're not particularly excited nor disturbed by Fifty Shades of Grey. In fact, the most disturbing element of this Best/Worst weigh-in is the mere concept of having to listen to someone waste hours of their time reading such a poorly written book. But we're probably excluded from the discussion, since we've read Henry Miller's 1941 book Under the Roofs of Paris, which makes Fifty Shades seem about as naughty as Goodnight Moon, and should obviously be voiced by either Sean Connery as James Bond, Samuel L. Jackson as "Mister Señor Love Daddy" or Cookie Monster as Cookie Monster.