This morning's gossip includes news of Adele's baby, some depressing stuff about the boring old Hamptons, and a story about Miley Cyrus singing a song with a drag queen. It's a Tuesday hodgepodge!
We all knew that torch singer Adele was pregnant, what we didn't know is that she's seven months pregnant. Yes, she just announced the pregnancy last month, but it seems she's been keeping it a secret for much longer than we thought. She'll give birth sometime in September, which means we really have to hustle to get this onesie knitted. The problem is that the knitting will be going fine until an Adele song comes on and then it's "Oh I'll just have a glass of red wine," and then before we know it we're on the couch moaning along with her songs, waving a cigarette in the air as she hits a big note, shuddering with hulking cough/sobs as her voice curls around some particularly sad lyrics. And then we wake up on the couch and the living room's a mess and god is it really only Tuesday and that onesie just doesn't get knit. It just doesn't happen. Sorry, Adele, you'll just have to wait. [The Daily Mail]
Alec Baldwin was the host of the Hamptons International Film Festival's Summer Docs series this past weekend, and at one point had to thank American Airlines, a sponsor of the event, even though he famously got kicked off an AA flight because he wouldn't stop playing Words With Friends on his telephone. He apparently kept his cool at the fest, though, and even made a little light joke about, yes, he would genuinely like to thank American Airlines. Which, jesus, don't the Hamptons sound so boring? Like is there a more boring group of limp adults than the middle-agers that make up Hamptons society? It's just the boringest. So boring. It gives me a little dull headache to think about them. Y'all need to make a cocktail and take off the light cardigans and get a little wilder with it, y'know? Just let it all hang out a bit. Hurl some drunken recriminations at each other. Hiss and sneer and say mean things into your wine glasses. Just live a little, goddamn. Not like the dopey kids who go clubbing out there — why are you leaving the city to just go and do what you do in the city? — but, y'know, let's drama it up a bit, maybe. No more light chuckles at Alec Baldwin's airline joke at the documentary thing. That's just no good. [Page Six]
Oh hey, speaking of, Kelly Bensimon, the charred stickbug formerly employed by Real Housewives of New York City, recently threw out the ball at a polo match in Water Mill. It was the kick-off to the Hamptons polo season, which, like... Guys. You're not British aristocracy, so just give it up, maybe? There were a few other Housewives in attendance, and then everyone went back to the home of "polo star Nic Roldan" (ha, there is absolutely no such thing as a polo star in America, absolutely no such thing) for a private dinner catered by a Top Chef contestant. The party then "ended in a playful cupcake fight." Which, no. Nope. No it didn't. It ended in a faux-playful cupcake fight that was supposed to be funny but wasn't? Sure, I'll buy that. But it was not plain old regular playful. No way, no how. Guys, really. Figure this Hamptons thing out because right now it is just the worst. Don't you all have headaches all the time? Aren't you so bored, don't you feel the crisp, slate-gray harshness of a particular kind of boredom buried inside of you? Go to the beach! Honestly, just go to the beach. Stop pretending you like polo and that you want to have cupcake fights. You hear me? Everyone in the water, now. [Page Six]
Country field mouse Miley Cyrus spent another evening at her favorite club in Los Angeles, Beacher's Madhouse, on Saturday night, and passed the time dancing, rabidly chatting with friends, and at one point singing "Happy Birthday" alongside a drag queen. (It was Billy Ray in disguise.) The item says that Cyrus was "belting the tune a capella," which is funny because, wait, are people ever singing "Happy Birthday" not a capella? Are people going to birthday parties and saying, "Cue up the music!" before they start singing? I don't think that's happening. "Happy Birthday" is meant to be mumbled awkwardly and out of tune and out of synch, not with music. Is there even music? What a waste of a sentence, is what I'm saying! "Belting the tune a capella." Right. "Cyrus was also seen breathing and at several points blinked her eyes. She appeared to be wearing shoes and bent her legs to sit on some sort of platform that might have been a chair. The drag queen was wearing a wig and makeup, and was really just a man dressing up like a woman. The club had several walls, four maybe, and was located in California, a state in the United States. Everyone went home and closed their eyes and fell into a stasis called 'sleep' and when the sun rose it was a new 'day.' Quite the celebrity life." [People]
Some folks are reporting that Katie Holmes has "primary custody" of daughter Suri, and that her ex-husband Tom Cruise will only have visits under a particular set of guidelines. Those guidelines are probably things like "You can't take her to outerspace!" and "Absolutely no more than one of Uncle John Travolta's stories that begin 'One time in Thailand...'!" You know, simple guidelines like that. Holmes also had to agree to some terms of course, confidentiality especially. But that's OK. She's out now, man. And she's got her kid. She was seen out in New York yesterday shopping for home goods, going to Pottery Barn with Suri and buying lots of things. She'd need a lot! She has a $12,500/month apartment to fill, after all. [Us Weekly; Us Weekly]