The Call Sheet sifts through the day's glut of Hollywood news to find the stories even non-industry types care about. Today: A Disney girl is trying to grow up, Joseph Fiennes heads to the loony bin, and Chris Hemsworth has a whale of a tale to tell you.

Most people, well OK creeps who watch this kind of stuff, probably know Ashley Tisdale from High School Musical, those sugary songfests in which she played theater diva Sharpay (like the dog) Evans. Well, those movies were like years ago, and now Ashley Tisdale wants to grow up. So, she recently signed on to star in Scary Movie 5, which will likely involve lots of filthy sex jokes and stuff because that's what they do, and now it's been announced that Tisdale will be doing a two-episode arc on biker gang show Sons of Anarchy playing a meddling escort. Why Ms. Tisdale! Such tawdry affairs! What would Zac Efron say? Oh, he would say "I just got peed on by Nicole Kidman." OK. Well, then, carry on. [Deadline]

The Bard lives! And he's in love again. Joseph Fiennes, who played Shakespeare a while back and then didn't do much afterward, is close to signing a deal to be on the second season of American Horror Story. He would play the head of the mental institution where the season takes place and would be having a May/December affair with none other than Ms. Jessica Lange. So, regardless of what else Fiennes has to do on the show, it is worth it for that. Just to have Jessica Lange's hot, clammy hands scratching at his face, her eyes all glassy and crow-like as she gushes about her love. I mean, that's any actor's dream. Or at least it should be. Here's hoping you do it, Billy. [Entertainment Weekly]

Chris Hemsworth attacked by sperm! Chris Hemsworth repeatedly rammed! Yes, hunkish hunk Chris Hemsworth, fresh off being Thor and the Huntsman, is now signing on to a very particular kind of movie: A whale disaster movie! He'll be playing the lead in In the Heart of the Sea, and adaptation of Nathaniel Philbrick's harrowing and engrossing nonfiction adventure about the 19th century whaling disaster that inspired Moby Dick. The ship, out of Nantucket, was pursued and repeatedly struck by some sort of vengeance crazed sperm whale and sunk, sending the survivors on a crazy ocean-crossing ordeal to get home. So Chris Hemsworth will soon be all wet and salty while walking around at half mast. On the boat, you gross-os. [Deadline]

Showtime has ordered two pilots to series: Liev Schreiber's Ray Donovan, which is basically a male version of Scandal set in L.A., and Masters of Sex, which is of course a docu series about the making of the High School Musical films. Ha, no, it's about Jessica Lange and Joseph Fiennes. No it's about us and Chris Hemsworth. NO. It's about two real-life sexologists, Williams Masters and Virginia Johnson, who were pioneers in the sex research field in the 1960s. They will be played by Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan, which is very exciting. Hopefully it's not just Californication in period costume, though. Anyway, congrats to all. [The Hollywood Reporter]

"Lifetime Nears Series Order To Lance Bass Celebrity Yard Sale Reality Series." Do you really need any more info than that? Not sure you need any more than that to get what this news is all about. Can't wait to see Joey Fatone sitting on a blanket in Lance Bass's front yard with a price tag hanging off his ear. "Five dollars??" says a neighbor. "Hm... I'll give you two." [Deadline]

The cast of Steve McQueen's Twelve Years a Slave just keeps getting better. It already stars Chiwetel Ejiofor, Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender, Paul Giamatti, Paul Dano, Garrett Dillahunt, Sarah Paulson, Taran Killam, and Benedict Cumberbatch. And now it also features Alfre Woodard. She'll play "Mistress Shaw, a former slave who has risen in the Southern caste system." So, that sounds pretty great. Keep casting good people, Steve McQueen! We hear Ashley Tisdale is looking for a change. [The Hollywood Reporter]