The Atlantic's Jeff Goldberg opens his delightful piece on his trip to a Bruce Springsteen concert with New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie by noting that Christie "would marry [Springsteen] if he were gay and if gay people were allowed to marry in the state he governs," but the rest of the piece indicates they'd have a pretty rocky union. (And not just because Christie's the biggest reason the gays can't wed there.)

Christie's overwrought passion for the Boss is notable because it is utterly unrequited; the big-time Democrat never acknowledges his Super Fan. Here are the parallels to a typical marriage in distress we spotted in the Springsteen-Christie relationship as characterized in Goldberg's piece.

Christie has to deny falling asleep at, uh, crucial moments: After reports he fell asleep at a concert three weeks earlier, Christie yells, "'I didn't fall asleep! How could you even believe that?' He turns to me. 'How could they believe that? I was meditating.'"

Bruce prioritizes his work too heavily: "My view on it is that I'm not a priority of his right now," Christie tells Goldberg. "At some point maybe I will be. If Bruce and I sat down and talked, he would reluctantly come to the conclusion that we disagree on a lot less than he thinks." Couples therapy?

Christie's jealous of his romantic rivals: Rivals like the previous New Jersey governor Jon Corzine, who once had better seats to a Springsteen show than Christie. "It was a benefit show at the Count Basie Theatre, in Red Bank—it was the first time that Bruce did whole albums through. It was the best show I've ever seen. It's a small venue, maybe 600 or 700 people. I'm U.S. attorney then, I'm thinking about running for governor, and I'm in the front row of the balcony. Corzine is governor and he's in the front row. And he left during the encores. He just left." We're left humming Taylor Swift: "If you could see that I'm the one that understands you..."

They fight over which hotel to stay in: Goldberg wonders if Springsteen should really be staying in a Four Seasons. "Your Four Seasons thing isn't fair," the loyal Christie counters. "Why wouldn't you stay in a Four Seasons if you could afford to? Who would rather stay in a Residence Inn by Marriott if you could afford to be more comfortable in a Four Seasons?" 

Tormented maybe, but at the end of the day, a deep respect "'It's just … Bruce,' he says. 'He's a genius.' He looks out at Springsteen in wonder," Goldberg writes. 

Read the whole piece at The Atlantic. It's hilarious.