The Call Sheet sifts through the day's glut of Hollywood news to find the stories even non-industry types care about. Today: The Downtown diva heads to the stage, so does a swoon-worthy Englishman, and Taylor Lautner learns Parkour.

Beloved New York indie scene princess turned respectable television actress Chloë Sevigny has signed on to star in a new play from former Big Love writer (and current Glee scribe) Robert Aguirre-Sacasa that's basically a sequel to The Crucible. In Abigail/1702, Sevigny will play the once vindictive, now remorseful Abigail Williams, who is living under an assumed name in Boston and trying to do good while still wracked with guilt about kinda sorta on purpose kicking off the Salem Witch Trials because she was mad at a guy. Anyway, things are going OK and she's even met a new guy that she likes, but then a dark spirit of some sort comes to town seeking revenge and she has to flee to the Salem woods to settle things once and for all. Aguirre-Sacasa can be a silly playwright sometimes, but this does have a pretty interesting, if ridiculous, premise. Too bad it's only running for a little over a week. [Deadline]

While on the topic of theater, we relay the exciting news that Dan Stevens, who plays Downton Abbey loverboy Matthew Crawley, has joined the cast of The Heiress, the Broadway revival that will star Jessica Chastain. Stevens will play yet another swain with the hots for a rich girl, only this time he doesn't go to war or anything and there are far fewer pained stares while at tuxedo-dress dinners. Should be good! In other Downton-related casting news, Rob James-Collier has been cast as the suitor in a new play soon to be workshopped at the My Apartment theater company. [Playbill]

Bundle of boymuscle Taylor Lautner has decided to star in the action picture Tracers. The movie is described as such: "When he crashes his bike into a sexy stranger, he's immediately seduced by her and the thrill of the world of Parkour." Haha. Oh brother. Didn't he already sort of do Parkour in Abduction, and didn't that movie do rather badly? I guess this is even more Parkour-y than that. The most intriguing thing about this movie is that, in a cost-cutting measure, the role of the "sexy stranger" will be played by Lautner himself wearing a wig. [The Hollywood Reporter]

Glee has announced two new high-profile guest stars for its next season: Maggie Smith and the guy who plays Bates. No, no. It will be Taylor Lautner in a wig. NO. It's not Taylor Lautner in a wig, it's Kate Hudson and Sarah Jessica Parker, who will, yes, probably be wearing wigs. It's unclear who either will play, though Chris Colfer said something about Hudson doing six episodes as a mentor to Blaine. The other Glee news from today is that the fourth season will deal with Rachel, Finn, and Kurt in New York, but will also still have stuff happening at McKinley High, which sounds like... a terrible, weird idea? "Glee: A show about a high school choir in Ohio and also about a bunch of struggling artists living in New York City." That makes-a no sense! Oh well. They were considering doing the New York stuff as a spinoff but that fell through. Knowing this show, we'll get a few random episodes of the kids in New York and then they'll inexplicably disappear because no one can figure out what to do with them. And that's what you'll miss on Glee! [The Hollywood Reporter]

Last night's finale of Survivor, which saw a sane and intelligent woman complete her sane and intelligent path to victory, was the lowest-rated Survivor finale in history with only 10.2 million people tuning in. That's still pretty high for a show that's been on for 24 seasons, but it's still down 30% from just last year. Just goes to show that on reality TV you can be sane or you can be intelligent, but you can't be both. Nobody wants to see that. Expect next season's installment, Survivor: Murderers vs. Dummies, to do much better. [Entertainment Weekly]

Tribeca Film has gone and bought the polarizing Sundance film The Comedy, which stars comedian Tim Heidecker as some sort of total jerk. Some people loved the movie's frank and brutal depiction of male arrogance and jerkitude, others, probably those not familiar with Heidecker's other work, found it so unappealing they walked out. Hey, a bad reaction is better than no reaction, right? The film will get released On Demand, in theaters, and online. So basically if you want to see it, you'll get to see it. And, if you want, you can walk out of your own house in disgust. [The Hollywood Reporter]