Terrible, terrible news: East Hampton's 2,900 non-resident beach parking permits have sold out completely in record time this year, according to The New York Post's Selim Algar. This means that if you're planning to drive to the Hamptons and park your car at the beach and traipse over to it wealthily, luxuriously, without fear of a ticket or being towed, as you have full right to do as a privileged human, your plans have been thwarted mightily and you had best think again. By the time you arrive at the beach having fought for a less-than-handy and still possibly illegal spot to stash your car, sweating under the weight of your diamonds and beach furniture, you might as well just expire or stay in the city. Or take a cab.

The trials of such an existence are enormous, and so, many VIPs who frequent the Hamptons are not happy. Furthering the emotional and psychological wounds inflicted by the difficulty of getting to the beach via one's own personal car: It appears that common celebrities have stolen the parking permits of more traditional Hamptons-going VIPs, and so, while Jeff Gordon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jimmy Buffett, and even Coldplay drummer Will Champion, who snagged the very last permit as if he deserved it, will all have beach parking spots, others—including congressmen!—will not.  

Those non-resident permits went for $325, but the price has not stopped those who did not have the opportunity to buy them from complaining about it. Village Administrator Larry Cantwell has been kept busy with demands for exceptions: 

“I’ve gotten calls from everyone you can think of,” Cantwell said. “Congressmen, federal judges, celebrities. They tell me I’m ruining their summer. They tell me they’ll pay whatever we want for them.”

Cantwell is stoical, however, saying this is not about money but control. (Note to anyone considering funny business: Cantwell is onto your forged permit scheme. Don't even try it.) If you happen to be an actual resident of East Hampton, however, you're in luck: You can get a permit for free. The rest of you should probably make alternative plans while you still can to save yourself the impending embarrassment and horror of not having a non-resident parking permit. Hamptons humiliation starts now. 

On the upside, does this battle for beach rights mean that the recession is actually, finally, sort of really over? 

Image via Shutterstock by Yuri Arcurs.