Stephen Colbert returned from his brief, but unexpected hiatus last night and naturally mined the speculation around his departure for an opening bit on last night's show. Rather then his usual shouting, eagle-filled intros, The Colbert Report opened with Stephen directly addressing the camera to talk about some of the crazier rumors offered as explanations for his week-long absence from the airwaves. He's not running for president and he's not fighting with the Pope, but he did confess to the truth of Joan Rivers' theory about plastic surgery, saying "I had my ass done."

Without mentioning her explicitly, Colbert eventually did give a shout-out to his ailing mother, Lorna, saying "confidentially" that “evidently, having 11 children makes you tough as nails.” Crisis over.