We realize there's only so much time one can spend in a day watching new trailers, viral video clips, and shaky cell phone footage of people arguing on live television. This is why every day The Atlantic Wire highlights the videos that truly earn your five minutes (or less) of attention. Today: The only adult puppet in the room is running for president, the 'Shit Girls Say' parody to end all 'Shit Girls Say' parodies, and The New York Times wants to improve your texting and walking skills.

The parodies and counter-parodies of the "S--- Girls Say" have romped and stomped their way into memedom, which is a testament to society's awareness of the silly things people occasionally say to each other. We thought the trend peaked when the viral videos began enlisting monks, but then we heard about all the strange things men say to their cats. We don't have cats, but the result is funny. Not meme funny. Funny funny. And weirdly sweet, just like the original @ShitGirlsSay Twitter feed that started this whole business. Consider the meme lapped. [Rich Juzwiak via The Hairpin]

Here's the video for tattoo, the first single from Van Halen's upcoming reunion/comeback/we never left album. It's pretty good! Time has a way of turning the best, most fractious heavy metal bands into mid-tempo Dire Straits-soundalikes. (That's meant to be a compliment.) We've heard some talk that the strobe lights are overused, but we're willing to believe it's an homage to the band's glory days in the late 1970s and early-1980s. Same thing applies to the song being called "Tattoo."  [Vevo via Hit Fix]

There's a puppet named Marvin E. Quasniki running for president, which raises several important questions, including: why did it take us until today to find out about him. His new video diary from the Iowa Caucuses is superb, not least of all because Chris Matthews -- for reasons unknown -- decides to trick the puppet, by telling him he's Joe Scarborough. That was unkind, but Marvin makes up for it with a fantastically mean (but still gentle and puppet-ish) joke involving the orthodonture of Mitt Romney's sons.    [Nerdist]

Texting while walking is dangerous. It's also very difficult, which explains why The New York Times has produced a how-to video. The ending is a bit of a cop-out, with everyone just being advised to stand up against a wall for four seconds and complete your message without endangering yourself or others, but there are also some dry etiquette lessons slipped in there before the moralizing begins that are helpful  [The New York Times]