Last night's Gossip Girl 100th episode spectacular, which included (SPOILER ALERT, in case your teenage daughter or weird officemate is looking over your shoulder) a disastrous wedding to a prince and lots of hats, was chiefly important in that it revealed, after so many agonizing false reports and bait-and-switches, the true identity of the mysterious, omnipotent Gossip Girl, blog scourge of the fictional Upper East Side.
Again, spoiler alert (tell that kid to go to school, and tell HR Margie to get outta yer face): It appears that Gossip Girl, though voiced by Kristen Bell (will that continue now we wonder?) is none other than Georgina Sparks, the blundering villain played by famous Buffy-ruiner Michelle Trachtenberg. Her? Yeah. Her.
So that's a little underwhelming, is it not? Not that any of us have really been dying to know who Gossip Girl is, but anyone with a still passing interesting in this often frustratingly botched show probably considers Gossip Girl's identity to be the show's final remaining true intrigue. Gone are the days when Chuck & Blair titillated, longer ago when we cared whose bed ol' floppy fish Dan flopped his way into next. We've mostly stopped ruminating on the origin of the strange and alien acting of Chace Crawford — did he study Meisner underwater? Hagen in zero gravity? And we've stopped wondering when the show will finally make use of its most viscerally sexual creature, Pa Rufus. All of those threads and themes have faded and died out over the course of the show's five seasons, but Gossip Girl's identity? Sure, though many of us have stopped watching every week, we'd still like to know who she is.
Was it bitchy raccoon Jenny? Sad thwarted gay Eric? Lonely Dorota, typing away in broken English? Nope! It's just this secondary B-character who pops up on occasion to meddle with things, but has apparently been pulling the strings, or at least reporting on the pulling of the strings, the whole time. And that's kinda... feh. We're not going to do the exhausting and likely ultimately fruitless work of trying to trace back all of Georgina's machinations and sync them up with Gossip Girl's, but we're having a hard time believing that if we did it would make much sense. Maybe everyone behind the scenes knew who she'd be all along, maybe they succeeded where, say, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse failed; maybe they really did know where the mystery machine was rumbling along to this whole time. But we're skeptical.
We were also initially skeptical that it would actually turn out to be Georgina for real in the end, but it seems that this was no trick. It really is Georgina, meaning the Trachtenberg has been fully sucked in by the show's trachten beam and is now in it, it would seem, for the long haul. We can't say we're thrilled with this development, though likely we wouldn't have been thrilled with anyone. Really they probably should have waited until the last-ever episode to do the unveiling, so we wouldn't have time to question anything or proceed on in a now mystery-less world.
And isn't that indicative of the show's greater failings over these past four and a half years? That constant need of this once-promising show (horrible, beautiful kids living in moneyed Manhattan? Yes, please!) to tip its hand too soon? For each horribly drawn out Chuck/Blair lazy pas de deux, there have been dozens of other, more exciting plotlines that have been too hastily (and often unsatisfyingly) resolved. Show creators/runners Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage have always been too eager to wrap things up and move on to the next half-baked thing. If only a show like Revenge had existed when Gossip Girl started to give them a lesson in sustained single intrigue peppered with little side plots and red herrings. Of course we have no idea what a second season of Revenge will look like, maybe their reveal process will prove to be a disaster in a second go-around, but we just can't believe it will be worse than Gossip Girl's three- or four-episode long story structure. And granted they've drawn out the Blair/Prince wedding plotline longer than they usually do, so that's commendable, but over all they're still tearing through plots with foolish abandon. And now they've gone and pulled back their sleeve and showed us the ace. So what's there to keep watching for?
Maybe it's just us. Maybe many of you genuinely care about whether Dan has permanently barracuda'd his way into Blair's heart, or if Serena will ever let a man put her pale moonbeams in a jar, or if Chuck and Nate will finally say to hell with it all and elope to Biarritz. If you do, good on you. You're made of stronger, more faithful stuff than us. We think we might now, once and for all, be done. If we know who Gossip Girl is, well that's all we need to know. Do let us know if anything changes with that. Or if Eric ever stops bad-accenting it up on Revenge and decides to get on that plane to Biarritz too. Barring that, though, we think the time has finally come to remove Gossip Girl from our bookmarks.