Less than a day after Brett Ratner resigned from his post as a producer of next year's Oscars ceremony amid some unfortunate soundbite controversy, his chosen host Eddie Murphy has pulled out as well. So we're forced to wonder now: Who's gonna host the Oscars now?? Luckily, we have some ideas.
Will Ferrell: This is an easy, obvious choice. It's the duh choice. Ferrell is pretty widely appealing, even though his star has dimmed some since his mid-aughts heyday. Plus he has proven stage chops -- he did an essentially one-man Broadway show about George W. Bush back in 2009, plus, y'know, all that live television work on Saturday Night Live. He could do his usual big-man-singing-badly stuff at the beginning and then pepper the show with whatever bewildered antics he wanted and, most likely, people would eat it up.
Amy Poehler & Will Arnett: Has a husband and wife team ever hosted the Oscars before? We don't think so, but it could be very interesting. Plus, well, they both have shows to promote so this couldn't hurt. They're certainly more TV people than movie people, but that's OK -- so are Ellen DeGeneres, Jon Stewart, and David Letterman. A little Nichols & May/Burns & Allen routine could be fun. Plus they're both so non-offensive that the Academy would have nothing worry about.
Tim Heidecker & Eric Wareheim: This will never happen, but wouldn't it be great? The two weirdos are great on their weird Adult Swim show for other weirdos, and they do lots of stage shows too, so they have the live chops. Imagine all the gonzo sound effect bizarreness and green-screen madness. It would totally flip those old squares' wigs! (There would be lots of wigs, too.)
Tracy Morgan: An expert standup and skit performer, Morgan could bring some of the unpredictability of Tim & Eric but certainly more name recognition and mainstream experience. Plus, for whatever reason the image of Tracy Morgan doing some sort of onstage bit with Meryl Streep is deeply, deeply pleasing.
The Cast of Glee: Haha, just kidding. (Though, Academy: Please get Harry Shum to do some kind of interpretive Debbie Allen dance number.)
Justin Timberlake: Everyone loves him and claps and swoons when he does SNL and people are casting him in movies left and right so why not give him this show of adoration as well? "Give it on up for Oscarville..." or whatever. He could do his Gibb impression and smile self-lovingly at the camera and our hearts would break with a groan.
Tina Fey: Too few women have hosted the show and Fey, with her smarts and biting humor, could be the perfect person to poke some holes in all the self-congratulatory pomp of Oscar night. Sure Fey is now completely a part of that clanking machine and has benefited hugely from it, but still. Speak truth to (your own) power, Tina!
Stephen Colbert: They could even just play tape of his (in)famous White House Correspondents dinner speech and it would suffice. The guy is very brave about making fun of people to their faces, which is a very important skill for a successful Oscar host to have. Plus, all his famous friends could make appearances (including Jon Stewart).
No One: They don't really have a host for the Golden Globes usually, so why not just scrap all the filler and just get straight into the awards. No muss, no fuss. We're out in half the time. If people still want a song in the beginning, have the South Park guys whip one up (just pay them the approx. $40 million it would likely take for them to agree to do it) and be done with it. Just hire nobody.