The Call Sheet sifts through the day's glut of Hollywood news to find the stories even non-industry types can care about. Today: Paul Bettany has been declared an expert in the art of love, Ben Stiller's wife gets her shot, and The Early Show will never be the same.

Paul Bettany, aka The White Heat aka The Albino Avenger aka Mr. Jennifer Connelly, has been cast in a Showtime pilot called Masters of Sex. It's about the high-octane world of professional sex golfing. No, it's actually about "human sexuality pioneers" William Masters and Virginia Johnson, who are credited with starting that whole sexual revolution thing. (Thanks, guys!) It's set in the 1960s, so, duh, this is Showtime's Mad Men or whatever. Because literally nothing made ever again that's set in the 1960s won't be called ____'s Mad Men. There could be another show on AMC set in the 1960s and everyone would roll their eyes and say "Oh brother, so what, this is AMC's Mad Men?" And why is that? Because people are awful. [Deadline]

Well, well, well. Looks like someone's been listening to us. Ben Stiller has just signed a production deal with ABC Studios to produce television shows, one of which would star his wife Christine Taylor. So, a TV show with Christine Taylor, just as we suggested! Man, it feels amazing to wield this much power! OK, OK, let's try something else. Uh... It would be great if everyone in Hollywood gave the rest of us a million dollars each. That'd just be a really great idea. So, yeah. Good idea being talked about. Take note, H-town. (OK now let's see if it works. It probably will. So feel free to go and buy that house or catamaran or solid gold TotalGym or whatever you had your eye on. The check is basically in the mail. We did it.) [THR]

The great, underused Taryn Manning has been cast in the lead in White Trash Christmas, which is a great, totally hilarious title. It's basically a poor people Christmas Carol, because of course it is. So the unfortunate title and setup aside, Taryn Manning! She's a good, kinda weird actress. She's even likable in Crossroads, the Britney Spears movie about a poetess (seriously, she's a poet in that movie) traveling cross country to find her mom. You know who else was in that? Anson Mount, who's now the lead on Hell On Wheels. Hollywood's kind of a small town, huh? [Deadline]

There are reports that on Tuesday morning CBS will announce Gayle King and Charlie Rose, of all people, to be the new hosts of The Early Show, which is being revamped as a serious news morning show rather than the "Now show us what cake recipes to make for back to school travel on the internet" typical morning program it's been. Very interesting. And kinda surprising that Charlie Rose is doing this, because he's all Mr. PBS and everything, sitting there in his black room of doom, just beyond the table the great gaping maw of oblivion, his guest sitting nervously as they feel a strange and chilly wind on their faces, swearing they can hear a faint and plaintive moan coming from that black, black void. But now, CBS mornings! Way different. Just way, way different. [NYT]

Because who the hell cares, no one's paying attention, Syfy has cast The Wonder Years' Danica McKellar and Olympic speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno in one of their weird monster movies. Oh no indeed! The movie? Tasmanian Devil, about giant bear monsters in a park in Tasmania.  So wait, is the park covered in ice, so Apolo can skate away really fast? Does the movie take place in the early '70s and is set to wistful music of the era? Basically why are these two people in this joint? Well, it's probably foolish to even begin to ponder that question. The answer probably lies somewhere beyond Charlie Rose's chasm of despair. [THR]

Here's trailer for the action movie Safe, which is about Jason Statham protecting a little genius girl in New York. So this is his Mad Men tough guy protects a kid movie. That means he's moving into Serious Actor territory. Before you know it we're going to see Jason Statham in some drama about people coming to terms with things and boy will we all be miserable. Where's that million dollars already? It's time to get away. [Vulture]